The Inevitable Truth
by mac1912
Summary: Set in London England, Blair and Chuck attend a private school there. We meet them just after a 2 month separation, because Blair could no longer take the pressure of a drug taking Chuck. Will they remain estranged forever?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl**

**Prologue**

Blair returned to school on a chilly September morning, dreading the prospect of seeing the boy that had dominated her thoughts since the commencement of their relationship at Christmas last year. She had not gone for Chuck Bass, because he was a well-behaved boy who when could introduce to mummy and daddy with no fear for the consequences. No, she knew full well that the feeling of spontaneous combustion she got every time they touched did not mean that he was 'Mr Nice Guy'. Their relationship had not been boring, she could say that for them, but nor had it been comfortable. They had burned their way through their time together and it had been unparalleled.

She had known though, when he had collapsed at a party they were out because of whatever he had put up his nose. Yes, she had known then, when she was holding his hand in hospital that enough was enough. She had felt like she was losing herself to this destructive, but irresistible boy. So she had seen him home the next morning and she had told him that their secret (for the whole thing was completely unknown to their friends) was over. Now they faced the prospect of one last year together, a year that involved applying to possibly the toughest universities in the world to gain places at. For, she had not forgotten their trip to Oxford, though the night in the hotel room was perhaps more vivid than the town's architecture, in her mind and she fully intended to be there this time next year.

***

Chuck saw her as she got off the tube at their stop; her figure was easily recognisable to him despite the striped blazer that was worn by all the girls surrounding him. He felt, probably for the first time on a Monday morning, clear headed. He had stopped himself from doing any more by way of narcotics after she had told him, pale faced and trembling, that she could not do it anymore. Oh, the temptation in those last weeks of the summer holiday had been extreme, but he had known that she was right on one level. He had thought and he had realised that what she had said to him was true. They were amazing together, but they were going to self-destruct if they carried on like that.

He too had his ambitions for the year and by no coincidence, they were along the same lines as his elusive ex-girlfriend who was even now being joined by her laughing friend, Serena. He hung back from them, was joined by Nate who saw the direction his stare was pointed at and the expression on his face, and gave him a slap on the back. Chuck turned his gaze to his best friend and smirked. He was going to win this year, he could feel it. Sharing as many lessons as he did with Blair, he knew that it would be hard to regain her. Given that most of their lessons the year before had involved low level groping under the table, he knew that he'd find it harder to concentrate on what the teachers were saying, the memories would be too present, but he would do it.

He walked through the familiar school gates and was greeted by the noise of the myriad of young boys and for the first time in living memory he almost felt happy to be back in servitude. Chuck Bass was faced with a challenge and that inspired more excitement in him than any drug ever could.

**Authors Note**

**The tube in London is basically the way in which all students travel, even those that are privately educated. It's not quite like the subway in New York and so its not completely outrageous that they should be using it to get to school.**

**I'm sort of using the themes from the TV show, combining the split at the end of 3:18 with the 'you've got Yale' from Season 2. Hope you like!**


	2. Chapter 2

The library was quiet, the librarian having left for the day. Blair sat on the squashy chair; book in hand, completely absorbed and oblivious to the fact that there were only the two of them left in there.

Chuck sat at his desk, pen lying useless on his essay, gazing at her face. She had a slight frown of concentration as she squinted with her melted chocolate eyes at the page in front of her face. A strand of mahogany hair slowly edged its way into her eyes and he smiled as she impatiently blew it out of the way. She turned the page and settled back in the chair, wrinkling her nose as her eyes refocused.

The clock ticked, very audibly to Chuck, and his essay remained unfinished. Only when the five o'clock bell rang did Blair look round and notice that all the others had left. Chuck hastily picked up his pen and busied himself with his work. She looked over at him and smiled to herself. Closing the book, she got up and walked over to the alcove where he was sitting. She knelt down before the shelf and placed her book back. He could smell the perfume that was exclusively her whenever he smelt it on other women now, her face flashed in front of him. With a flourish, he finished a paragraph and threw his pen down, looking up at the same time.

She smiled at him and lent over his shoulder to read the title of his half-finished essay. Her face was centimetres from his, her hair forming a curtain between him and her cheek. He turned his head slightly, taking a deep breath. Her overwhelming scent invaded his head; it was not only her perfume, but also that minty tang of her breath mingled with the soap of her school jumper. That smell brought memories flooding back to him, ones that he had tried to suppress despite the pleasure they brought to him. She was saying something to him, turning her face towards his, what was it? He looked down and saw her hand pointing to his last sentence. "It's Wittgenstein who says that -" she stopped herself looking nervous and said "sorry." He laughed crossing out the word and turned his face to hers.

They were so close; he could see her pupils grow larger. Their breath was mingling. His eyes flicked down to her full mouth, with cherubic lips slightly parted and he felt his breath catch. "Don't worry," he murmured, "its good you corrected me again, like old times..." he trailed off. Her eyes flickered and she bit her lip "I wasn't sure" she breathed and stammered "if...well, if old times were possible." She looked down at the essay and smiled to herself, and then in one swift movement she stood up and broke the tension. He sighed as she turned fluidly on her heel and picked up her bag.

Blair shrugged on her blazer and turned back, her confident and impenetrable smile was back on her face. He cleared his work away and followed her out, two months ago a moment like that would have ended up with her slammed against a bookcase, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, instead of corrections. He felt his hand curl into a fist in his pocket as he caught up to her and they fell into step. He could not help but feel an uncontrollable frustration with himself and even with her, they both knew that the attraction between them was as undeniable and inevitable the prospect of exams in the summer. Why were they wasting time in this asinine way?

She took a deep breath as he drew up beside her, it was getting harder to resist those moments. She had been saved by his reference to 'old times' on this occasion. That phrase brought back memories of his drug addled face lying next to her on her bed. Images of her holding a bucket for him, as he was violently sick and the desire had ebbed away. So what if he was clean? She was not returning to that, nor was she ever going to give him her time or her thoughts. She grimaced at the irony of that, for the truth was, he was always there in her thoughts. Who is to say that just because you dump a person you have to stop liking him?

She snapped out of her thoughts just as he started talking "so flower, are you coming to my birthday?" his pet name for her cut deep. She smiled up at him and feigned memory loss "birthday? Oh yes, yours. Well I think so, yes." She hoped to God that there would be a distraction for them both, because the combination of the two of them and alcohol was bound to end in fireworks.

Crossing the tennis courts in the dark winter evening, the two of them said no more until they reached the gate. She pulled out her scarf and gloves, he noticed that it was the striped one that he had given her last Christmas, and smiled. He had seen her eyes soften when he had called her flower and knowing this gave him the upper hand, he tried again. "So can I ask you a favour flower?" she looked him straight in the eye and nodded slowly. She bit down on the corner of her lip, it having become a habit when she was nervous, overwrought, or just stressed. He did not know how to read that signal, but continued with his request. "Do you think you could give me a hand with this interview prep? I mean you know what to expect better than I do..." he trailed off. She turned to face him again, a look of relief on her face, and nodded.

Since the break, they had managed to confine all conversation to the thoroughly impersonal. School, university, work and other people seemed to be enough to get them through the obligatory time when they were thrown together. She found herself, now, uncharacteristically tongue-tied. Had it been being that close, something that she wilfully and unerringly made sure never happened? Or had it been him using that name that he'd used to remind her of their secret during the good times? She didn't know anymore.

The silence lasted until the train arrived and they were forced into closer proximity by the number of people. He was pushed up against her back with no space between them. He could feel her body through the layers of uniform, could see the minute details of her hair. She closed her eyes and tried to stem the flow of memories that were attacking her. She felt his warm breath in her ear and hear him whisper "sorry" as he was pushed even closer into her. She turned her face to look at his, which was barely centimetres away. Her mouth pulled itself into a smile again and her breath caught as their eyes met. He'd forgotten how he could drown in those pools.

The train jolted to a start and she slipped sideways, her lips knocked against his and his arm inadvertently gripped her waist. She pulled her head back in surprise; it had been enough though, easily enough, to reawaken what she'd suppressed for so long. He saw the flash of life in her eyes flare up as she bowed her head and laughed softly "oops" she murmured into his ear. Her lips stayed there and he kept his head bent to her shoulder, enjoying her soft warmth, savouring it in the knowledge that it would not happen again anytime soon.

Slowly but surely he tightened his light hold on her wais; snaking his arm under her blazer. He felt her hold her breath and then felt a cold hand rest on his for a moment unsure, before lacing her fingers with his. Her lips moved from his ear and her head came to rest on his shoulder, her forehead pressed into his neck. She whispered something to herself that sounded like "no point."

The train reached the next stop and they were separated by the throng of commuters pushing pas them. He moved to stand against the glass panel by the door and looked her straight in the eye, asking her if she'd pass it off as mere bustle. She blushed, something she hadn't done since, well since. She stood biting her lip in concentration, but her decision was taken from her by the new batch of unaware business people. She was pushed forward into him and only stopped herself being totally on top of him by throwing her hands either side of him and pushing him away. This barrier did not work for long as one more desperate shove by a man pushed her right into him. He was very, very conscious of her leg resting between his. She buried her face in his shirt, not wanting to look at him or those eyes. She made no objection though when his arms went around her and his lips went to her hair.

Her warm breath was permeating his shirt, her hands still rested where she'd thrown them out to protect herself, on his chest. She looked up at last and shook her head gently. "What in God's name am I doing Chuck?" she murmured and as if to answer her own question, she smiled hesitantly and placed a kiss on his chest. He took his hand from her waist and lifted her head again. He whispered, "You're doing this" and placed his lips on hers. For the second time in that journey her eyes flashed at him, but this time, she did not pull away as quickly. Her lips lingered in place and when she pulled back, her eyes were closed. He could see her mouth twitch into a smile as she moved her head to his shoulder quietly.

***

Chuck's birthday had arrived and she had no conceivable way of getting out of it. She had spent the last few days trying to avoid any situation where any intimacy could be achieved between them. She had kept her word about helping him with his interview, and every day they spent two hours in the library huddled in a corner by the heater. She made sure that they were never alone again by having a friend waiting to walk home with them.

And now it was Saturday and he'd said as they'd parted the day before at the entrance to the tube "Blair, I'll see you tomorrow, OK?" and she'd nodded her head speechlessly. She stood in her room perusing her wardrobe. Eventually she decided on the safest possible outfit, one she'd worn before, during their time together and it seemed to have been fairly unevocative. Mind you, he'd never commented on her appearance then, the relationship had been all him.

Chuck saw her stepping through the barriers at the tube station, noticed as his best friend's hands wander down from her waist as he hugged her and winced. There was going to be a problem there tonight and he knew he wouldn't be able to take it if she did something with Nate of all people. He joined them and she reached up to kiss him on the cheek, smiling a "happy birthday" and giving him a wrapped present. She looked incredible; he remembered that blue top, which was notorious for slipping down. He could see Nate's eyes on her even now and felt himself tense. They were joined by a group of the others and she went characteristically quiet when greeted by the loud and ostentatious girls he knew. He could see Nate hovering still and he noticed him whisper something in her ear and saw her blush and laugh. This was not good at all.

Three hours later and he was no better, the people surrounding him were in varying stages of intoxication and he was all too sober. Blair had laughed and smiled all evening, but had drunk very little. By comparison, her constant companion Nate had the air of an alcoholic as he leaned closer to her.

They were sitting beside each other at the bar and Nate intruded on her thoughts by saying the one thing that she never wanted or needed to hear. "He loves you petal, he hasn't gotten over you. Spent the whole night watching us you know." She stared at him in shock, "I'm sorry what?" he sighed "come on you know who I mean, Chuck told me all about your dirty little secret. Did you really expect me not to notice when he suddenly cleaned up and simultaneously descended into depression?" Blair stared at Nate "you're not serious?" he nodded and grimaced "I guess I'm shooting myself in the foot by saying this, but what the hell. Chivalry isn't dead after all. Truth is love Chuck hasn't been with anyone since you and that's not for lack of offers." He put his glass down on the bar and having dropped that bombshell on her resolve, slid off his stool and joined the group. Blair let her head fall into her hands, allowing the ocean of feelings wash over her, before signalling the barman and ordering a double G&T. A voice behind her made her jump "make that two"; Chuck slid into his best friend's vacant chair and smiled at her.

They sat in silence until the drinks had finished. Chuck turned to her "Can I get you another?" She nodded and smiled her first genuine smile at him, the smile turned into a laugh and he found himself laughing too. She couldn't stop herself, it felt so good just to laugh with him and this time the memories that came back to her had a positive taste to them. Pictures of them sitting in his garden and throwing twigs at each other, lying on the lawn of that same garden and staring at clouds and probably the most pleasant, waking up one morning to find herself lying next to him. They managed to stop themselves and Chuck ordered another round and as they were, being delivered up she raised her glass and said "Happy Birthday" smiled nervously and added "my love." He touched his glass to hers and Blair looked him directly in the eye and on an impulse leant forward to whisper in his ear "meet me outside in a couple of minutes" her lips brushed his cheek as she pulled away. She left a burning path along his cheek and he felt every nerve ending in him start to tingle.

Blair got up, made her way to the door of the bar and disappeared through it without being stopped by any overly friendly man. He took a sip of his drink and looked at his group of friends. He saw that only one of them had seen her go and he now had his attention fixed on Chuck. Nate smiled at him and slowly raised his finger to his lips, before mouthing "you owe me" and drawing any stray attention towards himself by shouting "RING OF FIRE!" at the top of his voice.

Chuck slipped out of the bar, unnoticed by any of the drunken group and found Blair sitting on one of the tables, shivering slightly. He put a hand on her shoulder and she turned her head slightly while reaching up to take the hand in her own. A stream of smoke poured from her mouth and she put the glowing cigarette to her lips again, inhaling deeply then throwing it into the flowerbed in front of her. He moved round to the front of the table to face her and she looked him in the eye. Blair stood up slowly and put her hands on his shoulders tentatively. Chuck's arms went around her waist and she murmured "I don't want to talk." He nodded slowly and closed the gap between them.

As their lips touched, through the haze of alcohol, he felt his whole body erupt into flames, burning off any confusion. His arms circled her waist tighter and he felt her hands move from his shoulders to around his neck and into his hair. Then as he deepened the kiss and their tongues touched for the first time in 3 months, he felt her shudder and he felt himself tense in sheer desire. This had always felt so right before; it seemed incomprehensible to him that they had remained apart for so long. He delved deeper into her mouth, tasting gin and cigarettes, exploring the mouth that he'd been dreaming about since she'd left him. He felt her pull back gently and as their mouths lost contact, he felt his feeling of comfort drain away.

She smiled and bit her lip, still holding his gaze. She laughed softly, "My God that felt good!" he found himself smiling as well "More than good, fantastic." He pulled her away from the table and into the shadow of the pub wall. She backed up against it and looked up at him with a mischievous smile that he hardly recognized, having not seen it for so long. She pulled his head down to hers and they kissed again, he felt her hand leave his head and slide down his front and under his shirt. He gasped as her cold hand went found his waist and rested on the small of his back. He felt a spasm of pleasure run up his spine and pulled her closer to him. She still knew how to push his buttons and he loved it.

He pulled away abruptly as the pub door opened and loud voices spilled out into the night. Her hands went to her pockets and a cigarette was produced and lit just as Nate and two others stumbled out. She sat back on the table and he joined her. Smoke plumed from her mouth and she laughed as Nate started trying to find the packet that he'd dropped. Blair held her hand out to him and he took the proffered cigarette and inhaled, revelling in the knowledge that it had been in contact with her mouth.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Authors Note: Well it seems that a bit of confusion has been caused over the exact time period of this and it is understandable because I have taken a few liberties. It is set in the English equivalent of Senior Year (Upper Sixth). The Blair and Chuck we are dealing with have had about an 8 month relationship, but there has been no 'I Love You', the concept I am working with is the 'magnetic' one Chuck mentions in 3:18. The love will come as it always does but they are both too immature at this point. Hope that answers queries, thank you so much for the reviews, I honestly was expecting nothing!**

Blair had not gone home with Chuck that night, he had whispered an offer in her ear, but she had smiled and shook her head "let's not get ahead of ourselves shall we? I'll see you on Monday; thank you for a good night." She had turned to leave him at the tube station, but he had grabbed her wrist and moved them both into the shadows behind a closed kiosk. Chuck pulled her to him, pressed his lips to her neck and growled into her ear "it was a good night, because you made it that way" before fiercely joining his mouth with hers. Blair had pressed her body against his and Chuck had felt an excited edge in their actions. He knew it was partly owing to the chance that any of their friends could see them at any second, but he had found himself not caring. He had pulled back and grinned at her, their breath was coming in short, sharp gasps, "you really didn't think you could say good bye like that did you flower?" she laughed "I had hoped you'd be able to sustain some form of civilized behaviour, but apparently I was wrong?" She kissed him lightly on the lips and pulled back slightly so her mouth was a centimetre from his "I'm not complaining though."

Blair had pressed herself to him one last time in a fiery, open-mouthed, teeth-clashing embrace and had run from him laughing. He had watched her go through the barriers and walked home slowly, feeling her taste still on the roof of his mouth. Sitting on the tube the next Monday, gazing at his reflection Chuck replayed every moment in his mind. He had heard nothing from her on the Sunday and had spent the day trying to distract himself. It was an ironic coincidence that the name 'Blair' and that of his dealer 'Blake' were next to each other in his address book. The subject of all his thoughts that day and the perfect, completely contraband means of distraction sitting side by side. He had thrown himself on his bed in complete and utter frustration. Chuck found himself hoping, as he stared back at his brooding reflection that she would throw herself at him. At least give him the ego boost of being able to toy with her. He had felt too vulnerable on Saturday night, he would be oh so keen to get all he could. Chuck Bass never asked a girl to come back with him, they were usually the one begging him and he had never been refused that way. He had a niggling feeling that Blair was playing with him and to his surprise, he found himself intrigued as to what her next move would be.

Chuck walked into their first lesson of the day and saw her sitting beside Serena talking to her in a composed way. Her brown eyes flicked to him when she heard the door open and she smiled a greeting before turning back to her conversation. Her behaviour remained the same, as it had always been for the duration of that day, only in their History class did she drop the polite act for a moment. She was leaning over her notebook, her blouse was missing a button, and he found himself unable to take his eyes off the pale skin underneath. She had turned her head towards him to ask him a question and caught him looking. Her response was a mischievous smile that promised something tangible, before she quickly pulled her blouse closed. Her behaviour had remained annoyingly normal for the rest of the day, even to the point where he wondered if she was even going to acknowledge their weekend encounter.

No, it was not until the end of the day when he turned up at the library and saw her sitting at their table, alone, did he realise that she had really stopped being the ice queen. He sat down next to her and she lifted her head from her book to smile at him. "I thought we could do this at yours today?" she suggested hesitantly, but with a gleam of something else in her eye. He smirked; he could not help himself, and nodded quickly. Blair smiled again and found herself trapped, again, by his penetrating gaze. She knew he was trying to figure out what she was doing and the truth was that she was not entirely sure. She had told Serena to go home when she had asked in a huff if she had to stay again to observe her and Chuck's study session, but she knew that this did not entail what their after school trysts had once brought. She found herself getting lost in memories of their antics in the quiet school and was only dragged back to consciousness by his hand on hers. Chuck murmured in her ear "Blair, shall we go? I can't see any point in waiting here any longer." She blushed and quickly got up from her chair, had she spent all that time just gazing inanely into his eyes? God she needed to get a grip, a drunken series of rather fabulous kisses did not make them anywhere near fixed. She found herself asking the obvious question, then why were they going back to his?

Their tube journey to his house was nostalgic, once they had changed off the line that all their peers used Blair found herself loosening up considerably and did not object when Chuck's arm went her around her as the tube doors closed. They were whisked into a tunnel and the lights blinked off for a moment, he took advantage of the dark to peck her lightly on the lips and he laughed at her expression when the lights flickered back into life. She had her eyes closed and she looked like she was struggling between the two equally attractive options of slapping him and jumping on him there and then. It appeared to him that she had opted for a return to her ice queen demeanour for the rest of their journey, but he amused himself with observing her obvious internal dialogue. He just hoped that she would have a change of mood when she returned to the familiar surroundings of his house.

To his chagrin, however, it seemed she had opted for the less romantic of her two recurrent moods when they reached his bedroom. She sat herself down at his desk and not on his bed as he had hoped, taking out a thick book and the various other materials that promised an afternoon of the wrong kind of work. He walked over to her and leant over her shoulder; she turned her head slightly and suggested in a voice that was too innocent, "you might need to get a chair?" Chuck realised that she may be right in her wish to study for what would be the most important applications of their lives, but it did not mean he liked it. He sighed and stood up straight, noting with pleasure that she took a deep breath as he moved away from her. "I'll just get the maid to make some tea, then I'm all yours, chair and everything" he said to the back of her head. He left the room leaving a trail of what she knew was the scent she had given him in his wake.

Blair got up from the desk and walked around it to look out of the window that gave onto the Bass back garden. She could see their tree at the end of the lawn and could not suppress a shudder at yet another wave of memories broke over her. This was becoming more of a problem for her since their alcohol induced familiarity that weekend. She had managed to compartmentalise those eight months and lock them into a box in her brain. Blair knew that kissing Chuck again, letting her inevitable attraction to him get the better of her that night had broken the seal on that box, perhaps irrevocably. She rested her head against the glass, she did not need to be thinking about Chuck bloody Bass of all people right now. Why was she doing this to herself?

Chuck followed the maid into his room and pointed to his desk where she put it down and left quickly. Blair did not turn from the window and he came to stand beside her. She had her forehead resting on the glass, her breath misted up the cold glass as it was expelled quickly from her and he could see that her eyes were shut tightly. He turned away from her, not being able to look at her or have her in such close proximity without needing to reach out to her. He returned to his desk and poured out a steaming cup, sitting down with his back to her. Blair let out a sigh and remained at the window "Why do you think Catherine Earnshaw keeps returning to Heathcliff when he is obviously doing her no good?" Chuck put the cup to his lips and took a sip then pulled the book towards him "well, like Catherine says, she cannot deny the inevitable truth of their attraction. So, no matter how hard they try to keep away from each other, even after the period where Heathcliff leaves, they are pulled together when he returns to them. That does not mean that she does not know how bad he is for her, the sheer magneticism between them must suggest that, but she actually says to him that he is evil. Her love is not blind; she takes him at face value."

Blair had left the window and was standing by his fireplace fiddling with his cigarette box on the mantelpiece. She nodded and turned back towards him and smiled. She took a deep breath and asked "so what about your essay?" He looked up from the open page on the table in front of him and saw the look on her face. Her eyes had none of the inner turmoil in them that he had detected before, but they were neither were they blazing with a newly awakened passion. She looked calmer and as she came over to the table and poured a cup of tea for herself he felt the sinking feeling that may suggest that she was not going to let herself open up to him again. Her legs brushed his as she sat down opposite him and she leaned back appraising him "I think you should write on Wuthering Heights, those pieces that you wrote on it were by far your best." Her foot was touching his shin and he could not bring himself to move himself away from her. Chuck took a deep breath and nodded again. Blair sat up straighter and her legs crossed under her chair. She had not been oblivious to the spark that ran through them as they touched again.

Chuck had been right, she had resolved the chaos inside her head, but she did not know how healthy her solution was. She leaned across the table and pulled the book away from him, closing it gently and laying it aside. Chuck kept his eyes on the grain of the wood where the book had been and did nothing as he heard her get up again and walk round to him. Chuck felt her hand on his cheek and let her move his head so that he was looking up at her. Blair bent over him and with a hardly perceivable hesitation brought his lips to hers. This time Blair knew that the floodgates had really opened. There was no sense-numbing alcohol to dull her drowning feeling as she found herself being consumed by the unstoppable force that was Chuck Bass. His lips, after first being hesitant gradually became more forceful and he put his hands on her waist, gently pulling her onto his knee. They pulled at each other, desperately trying to get rid of any possible space that could still exist between them. She was whimpering slightly as he tangled his hand in her hair and secured her mouth on his more firmly. Chuck was realising between the pants and the onslaught of desire rushing over him, that the other night did not compare to this.

Blair's phone vibrated on the table and broke out into a loud ring a second later. She pulled away, her eyes closed and her mouth open slightly unashamedly panting. He kept his hand tangled in her hair and he made an effort to pull her back to him but she resisted. "Waldorf, ignore It." he growled inches away from her mouth. She opened her eyes and found herself looking straight into his black eyes. They were eyes that were looking at her with the same longing that they had done the first time they had been together. She sucked on her lower lip, but the phone carried on ringing. She leant back, picked it up, and put it to her ear. Chuck loosened his hold on her hair and let his hands slide to her waist as he rested his forehead against her chest and felt her heart beating against his face. She rested her chin on his hair and engaged in the conversation on the other end of the line. "Serena I'm telling you I can't, you know I've got to get this Oxford essay in by Friday," she kissed his hair gently as the blonde interrupted her on the other end. He tilted his head back again looked up at her as she frowned "well if it's really that important..." he shook his head vigorously as he realised that she was being coaxed away from him. His chances of getting some this evening were gradually diminishing with every word Serena said. She bent her neck and captured his lips with hers again as they both heard the tirade continue. His lips moved along her jaw and she shuddered slightly "Serena, really it's not a good time I – oh god – I" his lips continued their journey down her neck where they reached that sensitive area he remembered drove her mental. "No Serena I'm not with someone," she just managed to sound annoyed but he smiled into her neck as he heard her suppress a moan. He had an uncanny feeling of déjà vu, the difference was this time that he lost the battle with Serena. His head snapped up from his ministrations on her neck when he registered what she was saying, "Fine, I'll be there, give me an hour."

He slumped back in his chair and looked at her in disbelief, "Waldorf, are you serious? I refuse to be given up for Serena Van der Woodsen." She looked up from her phone and he could see she was not the Blair that he hoped that kiss had suggested she was. There had not been a sudden transformation back into the Blair who had been his girlfriend, she did not trust him, she was not going to let him in and when it came to a choice between him and Serena, he could not win anymore. She said simply "I have to go, I'll leave you my copy of the Heights, there are some good notes in there, but I think you know what you're going to say already don't you?" She got up off his knee and went to the mirror to straighten her clothes; the reflection that gazed back at her was resolute, if slightly flushed. Felt his arms around her waist before she saw them and she closed her eyes and leaned back into his warm body, imagining for a moment that it was safe to do so. She turned her face up to be kissed and he obliged her willingly. They stood for a minute pretending to be other than what they were: a madly dysfunctional pair of teenagers who only had their mutual goal to keep them from derailing completely.


	4. Chapter 4

Blair managed to close the front door behind her before she lost her control over her facial expression. If Chuck had seen her then he would have known all too well the effect that he had upon her, even now. The resolution that she had reached in his room had been sparked by her well-placed question on Wuthering Heights. He had read exactly what she had been running through her mind as she had stared out the window. This understanding of each other did not mean, however, that she was prepared to go back to square one so-to-speak. She would not be part of a 'Blair-Chuck' duo again, but nor would she stop herself from indulging in her uncontrollable desire for him.

The truth was that she wanted to trust him again; she wanted to be part of a relationship that involved them being open and normal. What was even more evident to her, however, was that she knew that they could never be that, because each time she looked into his eyes she could see dozens of other times when those dark pupils had been pinpricks. When she felt his sure grasp on her, she could remember a myriad of times when he had needed her to hold him up. When he whispered her name in desire, she could envisage his bleary face calling out to her in a lost and hollow voice purely because she was the only one he had. Each good thing about Chuck Bass had been tainted for her irreparably. She tripped down the steps down from his door and almost ran up the street to the station. Just as she entered the building, her phone buzzed and a message flashed up from him: "_So tell me why Heathcliff never gave up trying to reclaim Catherine?" _She stopped in her tracks and blinked at the message, re-reading it again and swiftly stuffing her phone back into her pocket and running down the escalator.

Chuck knew that the text had been a low blow but he had not been able to help himself. He gazed at the desk in front of him; clear save for her book, his laptop and a bottle of whisky standing half-full by his glass. He picked up her copy of Wuthering Heights and examined the pages that were covered in her neat handwriting, but he could not bring himself to gear his brain up for an essay of all things. He had thought when she had kissed him that his night would pan out in a very positive way indeed, but that dead look in her eyes when she had looked up at him from her phone had told him that something was not right. Now he was sitting here, an hour and a half later unable to work and unable to do distract himself.

He threw the book down as his phone buzzed and he picked it up to read her reply: "_Heathcliff is also aware of the destructive nature of their attraction, he just remains so wrapped up in her that he cannot really comprehend the damage he is doing until it is too late and she is dead...though whether that makes him wrong is a matter more of opinion." _He laughed; my God, she had told him. He picked up the bottle and poured himself another drink, pulling the laptop towards him and beginning to type: 'The relationship of Catherine Earnshaw and Heathcliff is inevitable from its outset. Neither can deny their feelings, but both are too selfish to act in a way that would help the other. This does not stop them from being utterly inseparable, they overcome all barriers. Neither Catherine's marriage to Edgar Linton, nor their deaths can ultimately keep the two lovers apart.' He took a gulp from the glass and pulled her book back towards him smiling to himself. Blair Waldorf was inspiration enough for him.

Blair walked into their History class first thing the next morning and saw a dishevelled looking Chuck sitting in his place beside her. He had dark lines under his eyes and his eyelids were heavy. She dropped her bag onto the table and sat down beside him, turning an enquiring gaze on him. "Rough night?" she queried, not really wanting to know if the answer was yes. He shook his head and suppressed a yawn; "You won't believe it but I was actually up until four, writing my essay, flower." He got no response to her pet name this time, but she did look surprised at this news "wow" she muttered. He slumped in his chair "Oh don't worry you'll see the hard evidence later. Have no fear. In the mean time, you do not happen to have anything caffeinated do you? Only I think she'll kill me if I fall asleep in her lesson one more time." Blair nodded and passed him her bottle of coke with a "keep it" and an inexplicable look of worry on her face.

Blair's look of worry was caused by her knowledge that her own essay was only half finished and mediocre at that. She had been called to Serena's last night for what was supposed to be help with her prep, but had arrived at the Van der Woodsen residence to see her friend surrounded by clothes, claiming she had given up on work. Blair had been forced into staying too late for her to have any chance of making headway with any work. She stared at the blank paper in front of her, pen loosely lying in her hand and felt the tendrils of fear curling around her stomach. She did not want this to go wrong, it was the only thing that she had to keep her from being consumed by the boy beside her.

Blair felt his hand on her arm and her head snapped up as she registered that the penetrating eyes of her teacher were on her. "Blair?" she asked in her cold voice. Chuck bent down, ostensibly to pick up a pen from the floor and mumbled "1529" as his chair scraped back into place. Blair felt herself breathe again and answered with a smile "1529 Miss" her teacher looked at her again and nodded "it might help you to take some notes as you won't have Mr Bass in the exam with you." Blair felt herself blush and she turned her head to Chuck only to see him writing his notes, paying no attention to her. She picked up her pen and attempted to pay attention to the drone of historical facts that were being thrown at her.

When the lesson finally ended Blair picked up her bag and made a dash for the door, stopping to talk to Serena who was outside the classroom, waiting for her. Chuck saw the blonde nod and scrawl something on a piece of paper, which she gave to Blair who folded it and put it in her pocket. Blair practically ran down the hall, leaving Serena pacing slowly after her. Chuck fell into step with her, "My god Chuck, I just forged an exiat for Blair Waldorf, what is the world coming to?" he grinned back at her, hiding his confusion "what is the world coming to indeed S." She shook her head bemusedly "I don't get it though, why bother coming in? It's not like her parents are at home to force her into school...Oh well," she sighed "looks like you won't be getting your daily grilling this afternoon at any rate." They reached the common room and sat down with Nate who was pouring a clear liquid into his glass of orange juice, he grinned at the looks on his friends faces "come on, I've got double Biology now. Wouldn't you need fortification for that virago?"

Just as the bell rang at the end of break and he was getting up to go, Chuck felt his arm being grabbed. He turned to Nate who was standing still by the sofa waiting for Serena to leave. When she was out of earshot he turned to him and asked "Why did I see Blair leaving in what looked like a hurry just before you pitched up?" Chuck shrugged "She's gone home, got S to forge her an exiat, don't know why." Nate sighed, "Listen, I don't pretend to understand what is going on between you two, but no matter how complicated she looked a bit of a state when I saw her. You need to see her and do whatever it is you guys do to cheer each other up." Chuck laughed at Nate's expression "Archibald, I really don't think she needs me there to hold her hand through everything, she's managed for the last three months, hell she lasted through our entire relationship." He picked up his bag and walked out of the common room shaking his head.

Chuck found himself outside her house just as the sun was setting, leaving an orange glow on the pond in their front garden. Of course, Nate had been right, but he was never going to let anyone know just how much she got to him. He climbed the steps and rang the doorbell, it was opened by their housekeeper who smiled at him and stood aside to let him in. She took his coat and said to him in accented English "I was just leaving for the day; Miss Blair is in her room. I'm sure you know your way." He smiled and waited until the front door had closed behind her before he mounted the stairs. He paused at the door of her room, last time he had been here they had spent three days in here, mostly in bed. He knocked softly, but received no reply so he turned the handle and went in, the sight that met him was one that sent any resolve that he had once had spiralling out the window.

Her desk was covered in paper, her laptop showed the conclusion to her essay, cursor flashing at the final full stop. The floor was clear, the scrubbed floorboards were glowing from the light of the setting sun, her wardrobe door stood open, and he could see a myriad of colours hanging inside. Her uniform lay in a crumpled heap on the floor by the laundry basket. It was when his gaze turned to the bed, where she lay asleep that his heart skipped a beat. She was lying with her face to the open window, her eyelids closed but with the slight flickering movement of REM under them. She was in the foetal position and there was something about the boyish cut of her pyjamas that made her look more alluring, the only bare skin that could be seen was that of her forearm where the sleeve had slipped down.

Chuck sat down in her chair defeated, he bent down and slipped off his shoes and took off his school blazer, throwing it over the back of the chair. He pulled at his tie and threw that where his blazer had gone. Then, tentatively he went round her bed and climbed onto it beside her. He encircled her waist with his arms and he felt her back relax into his chest. His head rested on the pillow next to her and he was overpowered by the smell of her washing over him. He closed his eyes and bent his head to the nape of her neck, letting her warmth lull him.

Blair had a vague sensation of warmth at her back, she had registered that someone was on the bed with her through her semi-dream state. So, when she opened her eyes on the twilit room and felt real arms around her and a real body pressed to hers, she was not as surprised as she should have been. Then the scent of the person hit her and she knew who it was, she waited for the anger or the shock to roll over her, but it did not come. She took a deep breath and turned herself round in his arms. She was met with those eyes, that hair and that mouth that was moving towards hers. His hot breath washed over her face and his lips stopped a hairsbreadth from hers and whispered in a more tender than mocking tone "no slap Waldorf?" She closed her eyes and her voice was husky from lack of use as she said, "I would if I didn't think you'd enjoy it more than it'd cause you pain Bass." He laughed softly and she sighed as his hot lips touched hers briefly. The sigh turned into a small moan as their lips connected again. They lay facing each other, just enjoying the taste of each other as the room got darker.

She pulled away from him eventually and turned onto her back, staring at the ceiling, he mimicked her movement, leaving his arm resting under her. "What are you doing here Chuck?" she asked quietly, he turned his head to face her profile and opted for the less vulnerable reason. "I promised I'd show you the hard evidence didn't I Waldorf?" he saw her smile at his words and realised that she had heard a double-entendre in his words. The smile turned into a laugh as she turned her head towards him and saw him smiling as well. It shook her frame and she rolled sideways allowing his arm to encircle her again, her lips came into contact with him and her laughter seeped into him as their tongues met again. He rolled them both over so that she was lying with her back on the bed laughing up at him; he hovered over her with a smirk on his mouth. "Waldorf, your mind is disgusting; I am honestly shocked at you." This only caused her to laugh more, her arms went round his neck, and she pulled him down to her. He collapsed on top of her, laughter also shaking his frame, until their eyes met.

The merriment seeped out of their eyes and the next thing they knew they were clinging to each other like children. Blair's hands pulled his shirt out of his trousers and she ran her hands up inside the fabric, feeling his body beneath her fingertips. Their lips were frenzied, moving together; no matter how hard they tried, they could not be close enough. He felt himself burn up inside, this was no longer tenderness, it was pure unadulterated, angst-ridden passion and they just could not stop. She grabbed the fabric of his shirt in her fists and pulled at it, the top button came off with a tearing noise and she opted for pulling it over his head. Her nails dug into his back and he managed not to rip her pyjama shirt as he fiddled with the buttons. It fell open and she grinned at the look on his face, rolling them over and perching herself on his stomach. He looked up at her, shirt open showing a delicately worked camisole, eyes blazing and chest heaving. He growled as she slid backwards so that she was resting directly over his crotch and reached up tangling his hands in her hair and pulling her down to him. The doorbell rang.

They ignored it and continued kissing. It rang again and he felt her lose her concentration on his chest. "Ignore it.," he murmured into her ear, she nodded and then the phone rang and she broke away and leaned over him, picking it up off the shelf. "It's Serena, she's outside, I'll have to let her in...," she said between gasps for breath. She got off him and swiftly did the buttons up on her shirt. He swore and rolled over to retrieve his shirt; she picked it up and held it out to him. "You've come to show me your essay Bass, you might want to sort yourself out before you come down..." her eyes lingered on his trousers before she left him to get the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: This came to me on a long train ride today and I had to write it down, our old English teacher used to do this to us as punishments. He'd make us act out love scenes from whatever play we were studying in front of the whole class...it seemed like the perfect situation. Just want to say thank you to all the reviewers and hope that the following keeps you as happy! You're all fab **

_Friday_

Chuck Bass woke up with a feeling of confusion about his whereabouts. He rolled over and fell onto bear floorboards. He swore under his breath and got up quickly. As his head stopped spinning he realised where he was and glanced back at the bed to see her, still asleep, it was Blair's room for the third time that week. He'd been kicked out on Monday evening, with Serena, but when she'd decided to take the next day off he'd turned up at her door again and this time she'd let him stay. He picked his phone up off her desk and read the message from Eric, _"Are you planning on coming home anytime this week Chuck?" _He grimaced, his father had not contacted him once to enquire as to why his son had gone AWOL every evening this week.

Throwing the phone back on the desk he walked to the window and pulled the curtain back. The sky was a grey-blue and the sun was slowly creeping over the backs of the houses across from the Waldorf gardens. He drew the curtains and stayed in his position, forehead against the cold glass. Blair had been as distant with him as had been her habit for the last three months. They'd had a number of encounters like the one on Monday night, but she had never let them get as far, nor had she really let herself go. In truth, they'd done more work than anything else, had eaten dinner together, but she would never drink more than a glass of wine and had fallen asleep on her bed, but never touching in any way. They had not spoken about the fact that he had slipped back into her life again or about the fact that she seemed to be boycotting school while she could. She was a closed book to him now, she was the one who seemed to want to keep any human warmth to a bare minimum.

Blair's dreams were a malaise of memories from happier days, so when she woke and saw him standing by the window she smiled. "Chuck?" she murmured groggily holding her arms open "come here" he turned and saw her lying there arms open and the most sexy drowsy expression on her face. He stayed put, however, "Waldorf, are you planning on attending school today? Or you know any day this year?" She yawned and stretched like a cat then relaxed back into the tangle of her duvet. "Oh God, well I suppose I could, but I mean its not like it'll do any good." Chuck clenched his hands behind him in a desperate attempt not to just jump her there and then. Her sinuous body was still heavy with sleep and she lay there practically begging him to say 'fuck it' to his day and give in. He shook his head and strode to the door, "I'll make you some coffee Waldorf, get dressed, you're going to be educated today."

Blair groaned and sat up as he left the room, her nostalgic frame of mind continued through her drowse and she dragged herself out of the warm bed and padded across to her wardrobe. She pulled off her pyjama top and threw it in the laundry basket and put on a grey silk bra, lazily pulling a white blouse out after it. She hadn't been allowing herself to let go with Chuck, hence no sex, because she didn't think she could take the intensity of feeling that she knew they would have, had always had. Blair knew that she would not be able to mask her feelings if they were in such close contact and she could not stand for Chuck to see that the feelings that she'd once had were still there, and still very much alive. She could hear him moving around in the kitchen below and she wandered over to the desk that they had been sitting at the night before, turning over the loose pieces of paper. She heard him climbing the stairs and walked over to her wardrobe again, attempting to shake off her hazy mental state.

Chuck walked back into her room, two mugs in hand, to see her standing in front of her wardrobe in a complete daze, wearing nothing but her underwear and a white shirt that had not been done up. He gulped and put his mug on the mantelpiece before walking over to her and holding a mug under her nose, allowing the scent to waft up to her. She turned her head to the mug and took it out of his hands, sipping gently at it. He made as if to turn away, but she took a hand from the cup and caught his own. She put her mug down next to his and lifted their conjoined hands, examining their interlaced fingers. She hadn't looked him in the eye yet, but when she did he saw a desire burning there that he had not seen in her in a long time. "Blair, I – " but she shook her head at him slowly and took the hem of his t-shirt in her hands and pulled it up and over his head. Then she slipped her shirt off her back and took hold of his hand again, placing it on her chest, between her breasts and he could feel her heart beating, thrumming away.

In one swift movement her arm went around his neck, his head bent to hers and their lips crashed together. His hand was still on her heart, crushed between their two heated bodies. He stumbled backwards, being feverishly pushed by her in the direction of the bed and they fell onto it. His bare back hit the soft cotton of her covers and he rolled so she was now beneath him. She had her eyes closed and it was almost as if she wasn't there in the room with him, but in a different time. She smiled to herself, eyes still closed and reached up to pull his lips to hers. He pulled her to a sitting position and unhooked the clasp at her back, his hasty breaths caught and he fell with her as she pulled him back down into her arms. He was conscious only of his contact with her, skin on skin, trailing hot, open-mouthed, kisses down her body. He sucked and bit at her neck smirking as felt her tense against him. Her hands went to the waist band of his pyjama bottoms and she tugged them down.

She had her head buried in his shoulder, her breath hot against his chest and as she removed her final item of clothing she tilted her head back onto the pillows. Her cheeks were a gorgeous pink, her lips were parted and he could see the pink of her tongue. Her eyes, were still closed. He nudged her legs apart and as he entered her they both felt that deep inferno start to smoulder inside them. He stayed still in her for a moment and stroked the hair back off her face gently, why were her eyes still closed? He kissed her on the lips and murmured against them "Blair, look at me" she opened her eyes and her gaze locked on his as he started to move within her. Their eyes remained on each other as he sped up and as he felt himself nearing his peak and saw that she was coming to the brink aswell he dipped his mouth to hers and held her mouth in his as they both tipped over into ecstacy. He poured himself into her and he felt her nails dig into his back and heard her gasp sharply. When he opened his eyes again she was lying beneath her hair damp with sweat, her chest heaving and tears slowly trickling out of her eyes. He pulled out of her and rolled onto the bed beside her. She turned her head away from him.

Their journey to school was silent. Blair had gotten up, showered and changed after a five minute silence when Chuck had fought an internal battle as to whether he should say anything. He had the battle decided for him when she returned to her room in a towel and gotten dressed in silence. The dead look was back in her eyes, she did not even react to the large red mark on her neck when she noticed it in the mirror. He had followed her lead and dressed quickly. Blair glazed over on the tube, she was obviously rebuking herself for being so weak and he didn't have the courage to do anything about it.

They were at least an hour late for school and after they'd signed in with a very disapproving receptionist they went quickly to their English lesson. As they walked into the theatre they were greeted with the voice of their teacher who was standing on stage "Ah Miss Waldorf and Mr Bass how kind of you to join us at last. Perhaps you could explain your tardiness?" They glanced at each other for the first time since leaving the house and Chuck answered smoothly "By coincidence, sir, we both overslept." Their teacher gazed down at them "well I think we can wake the two of you up by letting you read this scene for us, we all know that you're both consummate actors. Charles you are Faustus, Blair take Helen of Troy." Chuck glanced at Blair who was in the process of throwing her blazer over one of the seats and pulling her copy of Dr Faustus out of her bag. He mimicked her action and followed her on stage. Their teacher positioned them saying "now Blair remains silent, but its all in the face. Charles you need to hold her, you can't make love to her when there's six feet between you! Start from 'is this the face?' and try and mean it!" Blair took a step towards him, her eyes on her book and he closed the gap, placing an arm around her waist. He felt her tense up immediately and she stood like a statue in his arms. "We want a drooping lily, Blair, so let your neck loosen up!" their teacher shouted from the stalls. The rest of the class, Nate included, sat watching their punishment.

Churk glanced at his play and looked back at her face, she tilted her neck away from him and the screen of silken hair that had been covering her neck slid sideways. He began to speak, hoping that no one would cotton on "Is this the face that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers of Illium? Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss..." he trailed off and looked to his expectant audience. His teacher was grinning at him "you read the script Charles. I believe the stage directions read 'Faustus kisses her' So if Miss Waldorf would oblige." Blair lifted her head and placed a hand on his cheek and kissed him lightly on the lips, the pit broke into applause and laughter. Their teacher pulled them off stage, applauding each of them, but Chuck ignored them all. He saw the whispers of his peers and his eyes met Nate's whose met Blair's and for once he thought on his feet and put an arm round Blair kissing her on the cheek, saying loudly enough "Sorry about that mark Waldorf, we'll be more careful next time." Blair played along "you think there'll be a next time Archibald? How sweet." Chuck nodded at Nate in thanks for his diversion as the class turned their attention away from the trio and back to the teacher who was now dividing the whole class into pairs to act the same scene.

Chuck and Nate walked slowly out of the theatre after having seen Blair practically run out. "So you two've been holed up at the Waldorf house every evening doing the diry Chuck?" Nate asked in a voice that contained too much laughter for Chucks liking. Chuck shook his head "we've actually been working Nathaniel, only this morning did we actually do it and well you can see how comfortable she is around me now." Nate laughed "Are you two even going out? I'm seriously not getting this arrangement, she was like ice with you just now, but then that lovely calling card you left on her would testify otherwise." Chuck groaned "we don't talk, we haven't talked. We have these moments like this morning and there isn't a day when there isn't some form of physical contact, but she will not talk about anything personal and nor will she let me in. So when you ask what we are I have to say I have no idea Archibald. It would be OK if I could work up the courage to ask her, but I can't, it's that look of complete deadness." Nate shook his head and muttered under his breath "Only you two could make life so complicated for yourselves. Does Serena know about it, because if she doesn't you're gonna have to come up with something good about Blair's appearance." Chuck shook his head "no one knows and it looks like our twisted little playing house session will be over soon, her parents get back on Monday. It'll be goodbye any morning sex for me for a while." Nate shuddered "Chuck keep it to yourself please."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: OK, so first of all I don't know if you noticed but I tacked a couple of paragraphs onto the end of the last chapter, I just felt it ended too abruptly and that a little explaining needed to be done. Second, I hope you like how this is going I'm loving all the reviews, I don't usually write these sorts of things, I'm a short story girl and write for our university magazine, but this has given me so much to play with in terms of character development and I love it. Third, I start finals soon so my output will be nowhere near as regular and also my Easter holidays are ending...so you will have to bear with me! Thanks!**

He did not have lessons with her until after lunch, so they managed to avoid seeing each other until the bell rang and the streams of students started rushing to their houserooms to eat. She walked past her own houseroom and headed for the theatre and after a moments' thought, he followed her. She walked into the darkened auditorium and he followed her into the gloom of the dimmed house lights. She climbed the stairs to the balcony and sat with her back to the lighting booth, staring down at the dark stage. He moved along the row and sat down next to her. She kept her gaze fixed straight ahead and he copied her position, tilting his head back against the wood behind him.

They sat in silence for what felt like a long time before Chuck could bring himself to speak. "Blair, are we going to talk about this?" she turned to look at him, her dark eyes appraising him and she opened her mouth to speak but he stopped her "don't you dare say 'talk about what?' Waldorf." She closed her mouth and her lips turned up at the corners in a grim smile "well never let it be said you didn't know me Bass." She looked down at her hands, which were crossed in her lap and he reached over and took one of them in his own. "Blair, I know as much about you as anybody who isn't you can know. Now please can we at least try and understand what is going on?" She blinked and he saw a tear form, but she shook her head angrily and her next words were edged with bitterness "I'd have thought it was quite clear, we're screwing around Bass and as the King of said activity I'd expect you to have realised that..." she was replacing her insecurity with a ferocious anger and he could see it. Her hand was cold in his, but he could feel it trembling with what she would try to pass off as anger, but was actually, fear.

He tried again, "then do you think you could tell me why, when you came to my house on Monday I saw you at your most insecure in months and why I caught a glimpse of the Blair that I knew then? Can you tell me why when we made love this morning" she opened her mouth to protest but he carried on "yes, Blair, made love, not had sex, not screwed, not whatever coarse epithet you can come up with, but made love, you ended up in tears? And can you tell me why you are shutting down any form of human emotion when you're around me, yet you cannot just tell me to leave?" She bowed her head and he thought he had gotten through but when she spoke her voice was cold "Don't flatter yourself Bass that you have some effect on me. I am stressed, I have the biggest test of my life coming up and I am using you for relief. You need to grasp that and stop reading too much into me and my actions." Blair could not look at him as she said those words, because she knew his eyes would see straight through her.

Chuck swallowed her words and they sat in silence for another couple of minutes. Blair could not help but look up at him; she saw that penetrating gaze and she felt her resolve cracking. He expelled a breath, "if I were using me Waldorf, I'd be able to look me in the eye and say that." She opened her mouth but no sound came out. She had no answer, how could she say anything when he was holding her fixed like that. Her bottom lip began to tremble and she wrenched her eyes away from his. He took confidence from this and squeezed the hand that he still had in his grasp "Blair, seriously just tell me what's going on?" She took a deep breath and said in a voice that was almost inaudible and loaded with emotion "Do you realise Chuck, that we haven't spoken about the end, or about what our relationship did to us, to me? I spent the last 4 months of that being your carer, your surrogate mother, a place for you to stay, a girl who would sleep with you, but I was never me, I was never Blair. I lost myself in you and I have spent the last 3 months trying to find who I was again. I am terrified that whatever is going on right now will involve the same loss." Her voice had grown stronger as she spoke and he knew it was the truth. She went on "but the truth is that I can never really separate you from who I am now. That doesn't stop me from desperately trying to do so, but I'm failing, I fail every time I see you, every time I'm near you and I lost myself again this morning for a moment, because you consume me. It's just who we are."

He dropped her hand back into her lap, "then why did you let it happen? Why did you say yes to helping me? Why did you let me in at my birthday? Why did we have sex this morning?" she shook her head wearily "because I'm weak Chuck, because when it comes to you, saying no is like denying myself, because I felt so alone and I saw you were the same, because I'm Blair Waldorf and you're Chuck Bass." He leant forward in his chair and put his head in his hands, "if all this is true Blair then why are we not back together instead of being in this mess?" She laughed softly, "Do you think I could put myself through that again? Chuck, I spent a night on a hospital chair while you got your system overhauled by some doctor because of the amount of cocaine in you. I saw the looks of pity the nurses were giving me as you lay there in a stupor and I just sat there clinging to your hand. We'd be a train wreck waiting to happen." His head snapped up in frustration "I'm clean Blair, I'm applying to Oxford, I'm working harder than anyone else for this and I'm not the one who's spent the last week at home, because I couldn't face school." She glared at him "you don't get to tell me off for not coming in. I'm in control of my own life; it is not ruled by you anymore."

He stood up and she followed suit, they faced each other and the frustration was rolling off them both. "Well I suppose there isn't much more to be said about this then," he said with his eyes on their feet "you can't deny what we are Blair, good or bad, we can't avoid how utterly impossible it is to stay away from each other. The last three months have been living hell for me, I spent my summer thinking about you, I came back to school, saw you and you were even more unavoidable. Don't you get it Blair? I changed for you, but I think even if I hadn't we'd have ended up in the same position." She looked up at him and he lifted his gaze to hers "It's not true," she whispered, but there was no conviction in her voice. "It's not true," she whispered again with even less conviction as her arms snaked around his neck and she brought her lips to his. "It's not true," she repeated again to herself as they left the theatre and walked towards the library for their final study period of the day.

"Mr Bass, Miss Waldorf?" they both stopped as they walked past their head of year's office at the end of the day "could you come in here for a moment please?" They entered his office and sat down at the two chairs in front of his desk. He smiled at them, pulled out two sheaves of paper, and placed them in front of him. "I have received both of your essays for your applications and given that you are our only two Literature applicants this year I thought I could talk to you now, instead of arranging a meeting." Chuck saw Blair clench her hands over the arms of her chair and frowned slightly, their teacher continued; "Mr Bass your essay was, may I say, outstanding. I do not think I have ever seen anything of quite such high calibre from a sixth-form student, the English department were raving about it, and I have no hesitation in recommending you for a place to the University. Miss Waldorf, your essay raised a few queries, it was of course your usual meticulous work, but it seemed to lack your usual flare or originality. It will of course all be fine, but you may have put yourself in a weaker position going into the interview round. We've liaised with the dons and they say that the letters of invitation will be issued by college so you will both expect to hear at different times." Chuck felt a warm feeling of pride well up in him at the praise that he was being given, and stood with a smile on his face to leave. Blair stayed in her seat. "May I have a word with you please sir?" she said in a low voice. The head of sixth form nodded and she turned to Chuck "Don't worry about waiting."

The door closed behind Chuck and she raised her head to look at her teacher. "Am I doing the right thing sir? Should I just withdraw my application, or do the department think I have a chance?" He looked at her and sighed "Miss Waldorf, Blair, there have been some concerns raised, not about your ability when it comes to English, but that you are spreading yourself too thin. You are our Head Girl, you are set to audition for the next production and you are applying to a world-class university for its most popular course. Ultimately, it's your choice, but you've got a lot on your plate and no one will think the worse of you for dropping some of it." Blair stood up slowly, "thank you sir, I'll have to think about it, have a good weekend." She left his office and saw Chuck standing by a notice board reading the flyers for lectures. She sighed, "Something told me you wouldn't go home." He turned to her and shook his head, "I suppose I just can't keep away," he paused and the smirk left his face "you ok Waldorf?" She shook her head "no, but I know a way I can be."

"This was not what I thought you meant when you said you knew what would make you better, Waldorf." Chuck said as he pulled his coat around him and looked down at the dark water. They were on the Southbank by the Thames, wrapped up in their coats, Blair smiled at him "I'm sorry, Bass, but this is how I calm down and like I said you really didn't have to come with me." He shook his head and took out a hip flask, taking a long draft and offering it to her "with the look you had on your face did you really think I was going to leave you?" She took it from him and coughed as the burning liquor hit the back of her throat "point taken, you're a gentleman," she said in hoarse voice. They stopped walking and she leant against the wall looking out at the London skyline. Chuck put his arms around her and she pressed her back into his chest. His warm lips kissed her cold ear and he spoke softly "besides I don't think we did really reach a conclusion to our discussion earlier did we?"

Blair rested her shoulder lazily against his shoulder and watched the moving glimmers on the river that were the boats. "I find myself becoming mesmerised by these lights," she said dreamily. Chuck tightened his hold round her waist and said quietly "don't try avoiding the subject Waldorf. Why did you skip school this week?" She did not answer for a while and then she spoke "I think I needed some excuse to be away from it all, everyone asking me how the application is going, the teachers and their pressure and you, I needed to be away from you." Chuck nodded "but we slept in the same bed every night, I've practically lived at your house." She sighed, "I know but it wasn't at school, we weren't surrounded by people, at school I'd have found it hard not to go mad. Do not ask me why, because I do not know, but I just would have done. Like this morning, being put into a situation like we were would've tipped me over the edge, I had to use everything I had not to cry or just jump on you." He laughed at the last bit and placed a light kiss on her cheek "I'm really not sure that's a bad thing you know." She turned her face up to his and he kissed her lips softly on the lips.

They stood for a while, their lips moving silently in unison, oblivious to any of the theatre goes who were walking past. She broke away from him and said in a subdued voice "let's face it though Chuck, I was trying to escape it. I know what the summer was like for you, because I had exactly the same problem, but the difference is that 'it' whatever that is terrifies me. I feel like doing this," she gestured to his arms around her "and talking about personal things just opens me up to more pain when we fall apart again." He kissed her again, because he had no answer to that and because he knew that she was right, but that it would not stop him from having her.

Blair pulled away again and laughed "Chuck Bass, you're using kisses to avoid answering me. You're a disgrace and I'm not going to stand for it!" She turned to face him and saw the look on his face, it was pure desire and all of a sudden, the serious things did not matter. "Take me home Chuck" she whispered into his mouth as she pressed her open mouth to his and everything depressing and important in her life disappeared.

They practically ran to the nearest bridge and flagged down a cab, Chuck gave the driver directions to his house. They got in and she looked at him questioningly and he murmured into her ear "its closer." She smiled and he leant over to place a chaste kiss on her mouth, but his lips lingered as he felt where her hand was going. She slid her hand lightly up his leg and paused by the pocket of his trousers. He pulled his lips away from hers and she put a finger to her lips as she quietly ran her fingers over the bulge in his crotch and she smiled as she felt him tense and then bit her lip as she felt him harden. She continued her ministrations and Chuck tilted his head back against the headrest, trying his upmost not to make any noise. The cabbie stopped outside the Bass residence and looked in his rear view mirror at the couple saying in a loud voice "you might wanna wake him up love, we're here." Blair could not help but let out a small laugh "Oh yes, of course, I'm sorry he's been very tired recently." She quickly removed her hand and said to Chuck in voice that barely suppressed its mirth "wake up darling, we're home" Chuck glared at her and leant forward to pay the man before getting out and closing the door behind Blair.

The cab pulled away and they walked up the steps to his front door, Chuck dug his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door. They climbed the stairs to his room in utter silence, the house was silent and it was obvious that no one was home. The moment they got through the door of Chucks bedroom he turned to her and shook his head pointing an accusing finger at her "you enjoy torturing me don't you?" she laughed and undid the buttons on her coat dropping it slowly to the floor "Oh but I make up for it don't I?" She walked over to him and helped him off with his coat and it dropped out of her hands as he spun around and grabbed her by the waist. "You more than make up for it," he almost growled in desire. He pushed her backwards onto his desk, which was naturally clear and attacked her mouth. Their lips met in and explosion warmth, she could feel his tongue probing her mouth and this time she was not trying to block out who it was. This knowledge burned her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. They lost clothes faster than they had that morning, there were ripping noises as Blair's dress, tights and bra all went flying and Chuck's shirt and trousers followed soon after. They broke apart for a moment so Chuck could lift Blair into a better position on his desk, but as soon as her back hit the wood surface his mouth was back at hers and she was pulling boxers down and lifting her hips so he could remove her knickers.

This time when Chuck entered her, she cried out in pure pleasure and he ran his hands through her damp hair and held her head in his arms as he moved into her again. She was trembling against him and she pulled her head away from his shoulder and looked him in the eye. Her hair was swept back off her face, her eyes were hazy with desire, her open mouth was so lusciously moist and as she licked her lips, he sped up. She smiled as she felt herself coming and saw that he was nearing the same point, "no tears" she whispered and pulled his lips to hers. He came just after she did and as she moaned he saw a look on her face that caused him to release immediately, the look of absolute release was just so incredibly beautiful on her face.

They lay on his bed, he in his dressing gown and Blair in his shirt. She got out of bed and left the room when she thought he had fallen into a doze, but he felt her go and followed her downstairs to their kitchen. She was sitting at the kitchen table a glass of water in hand and had her gaze fixed on the darkened garden. He picked up the not from the housekeeper on the work surface which told him that his father had left town for the weekend and ripped it up. He padded to the wine fridge and pulled out a bottle of her favourite red and poured two glasses setting them down in front of her and sitting down by her. "You've got to stop walking out on me or going silent after sex Waldorf, you're making me think I've lost my touch" he tried to sound like he was joking, but he could not get the mirth into his voice. She turned to look at him and smiled "you know I can't stay away Bass. I'll always come running back, even if I don't want to, even if I know it'll be bad for me."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: So here we go, another bit of the story. I had trouble getting this onto paper, the feelings in it didn't seem to come out as I wanted them too, but you tell me what you think and as ever THANK YOU!**

The morning sun rose, casting a cold light over the two sleeping bodies. The floor was still strewn with their clothes and several empty wine bottles stood on the floor by the bed. As the light travelled across the room and eventually over the eyes of the sleeping figures of Blair and Chuck, her eyes began to flutter. Blair remained still as she gradually climbed up through the layers of dream that clouded her thoughts. She could vaguely feel a warm weight across her waist; she could feel a heart beating against her back and a warm breath against the nape of her neck. Her senses were overpowered by Chuck, his smell surrounded her, his body enveloped hers, she could hear his soft breathing, her mouth still bore the taste of him and she knew if she opened her eyes she would see that face. Where was she in this cacophony of sensation? She tentatively reached up and pulled a lock of her hair to her nose, the scent of her shampoo and perfume had been masked by sweat and by Chuck.

She gently rolled out of his grip and out of bed, replacing herself with a pillow and suppressing a smile as she saw him grasp it as a child would his soft toy. She tiptoed to the mantelpiece and removed a couple of cigarettes from his supply. Closing the door softly behind her, she walked down the stairs to the cold kitchen. She pulled back the sliding doors and walked bare-foot onto the dew-sodden grass shivering as the cold of the winter morning hit her bare legs. She lit the first of the cigarettes with his silver lighter and felt herself relax as the smoke filled her lungs, eradicating at least one element of Chuck from her. She wandered up and down the garden path to try to keep herself warm and noticed for the first time how quiet it was. She looked at her watch and grimaced as she saw how early it was, 6:30 am on a Saturday morning was not natural. The smoke plumed into the cold air and she realised that she should be feeling more worried than she was. After all, she, Blair Waldorf, had done what she promised herself she would never do again. She had let Chuck Bass in, she had shown him how she felt and what was worse he had not had an answer for it. What's more, it was becoming clearer to her that he was having a profound effect on her; even now, she was jeopardizing her chances of a healthy relationship, her chances at Oxford by being near him.

She shivered again and threw the cigarette butt into the nearest flowerbed. Her pacing took her towards the end of the garden and as she stopped to light up a second time, her gaze caught the greenhouse at the end of the garden. She could not stop what happened then; it hit her like a train and she stumbled backwards on the cold stone as the memory crashed into her:

_She was in the greenhouse, the sound of the music and the thick glass surrounding her like a cocoon finally muffled the voices. She wondered down the rows of plants, basking in the quiet, drink in hand and cigarette between her lips. Chuck's house was only filled with people because he wanted to avoid the emptiness that pressed upon him when he was alone there and she knew that better than he did. She didn't like it this way, it made it too hard to be natural and the people that came were always the same; willing to do everything and anything to have a good time. It was not who she was, nor who she wanted to be at all but she stayed for him, because she knew when it was all over and he'd come down that he'd need her._

_She pulled at one of the glossy leaves and it came loose from its branch. She began to shred its sinuous strands, methodically and tortuously. The tip of her cigarette glowed a fierce red as she took a deep pull on it and the leaf in her hands momentarily glowed in the light. The smoke was followed down with a large gulp of wine and it did not surprise her when her phone vibrated in her pocket and the message flashed up: '__**I need you**__'. She dropped the leaf and tapped an answer back '__**greenhouse**__'. She knew he would not be long and meandered her way to the back of her glass haven, dropping the remains of her cigarette into a watering can as she went._

_She heard footsteps coming towards the building and she turned to the door expectantly. He came through the door and almost ran to her, catching her round the waist and pressing his open mouth on hers. She tasted whisky, smoke and Chuck, her own personal addiction, then pulled back and looked at him. _

_His eyes were too bright, glittering with a manic excitement that she knew too well and he grinned at her hungrily, but it was as if he did not see her, just another girl. He sniffed and passed his wrist under his nose then pulled her too him saying in a slightly frenzied voice "the greenhouse Waldorf? Now here is somewhere even I have not tried. Between the flower beds, in a house made of glass?" His face was practically ravenous his voice low and too fast. Gone was the Bass languor and drawl, he was possessed. She smiled and moved her hands to his breast pocket, pulling out the hip flask and emptying its contents into her wine glass, then downing the concoction. Her mouth was still full with the liquid when his lips crushed hers and it spilled onto their faces, into his mouth, it slid down their throats and she gave herself up to him, to the demon inside him._

_The glass broke as it dropped from her hand onto the stone floor and it crunched beneath their feet as they stumbled away from it. She opened her eyes briefly and saw the shards glittering in the dappled light from the moon, before she found herself falling backwards onto the ground. She hit the floor hard and cried out as Chuck clenched his teeth and accidently bit her tongue. There were enough remnants of his usual self left for him to pull away, remove his jacket and lay it down for her. Then, returned to her mouth which now had the bitterly metallic taste of blood to it, but he did not seem to care. He pulled her skirt up around her waist and unbuckled his trousers, entering her quickly and forcefully. She moaned slightly and he started moving urgently within her. It was pure animal lust, there was no affection in what he was doing and when his eyes met hers, there was no recognition just a glittering that had replaced him. She enjoyed it though, she felt herself resorting to the same animal instinct that he seemed to have adopted and she attacked his mouth with hers as they came to climax._

_They shook against each other as they came simultaneously and they remained still for a moment afterwards. Then he pulled out of her and stood up, arranging his clothes and looking down at her as she did the same. They stood facing each other and he gazed at her in perplexity as she handed back his jacket. He took it from her and frowned "sorry what did you say your name was?" She felt her grip on the fabric go slack as his tightened and a wave of dizziness hit her. "I'm Blair" she stammered out, he nodded in obvious non recognition and said "ah yes, Blair of course. I'll see you around I suppose." He turned on his heel and walked out leaving her standing in shock, surrounded by the plants that had just witnessed the bombshell fall._

Even then, she had tried to block that memory out; they had never been in the greenhouse again. That night she had gone to his room as was their custom and he had known her once more, but with no recollection of his moment of amnesia. His come-down was particularly painful, he had clung to her and she had not been able to bring herself to tell him what he had done to her self-esteem. Those 15 minutes in the quiet of her cocoon had served to shatter her completely, but Chucks shuddering body, clinging to her came before that, of course. He had not known who she was though, and he had always managed to maintain a grip on her identity before. She had let herself become entrapped by him and he in turn had been possessed by that demon. What was worse is that she had needed to be inebriated herself so she could drown out any feelings save those of the moment.

Blair took a deep breath and walked towards the glass house, it would be warm at least. She felt that she had to banish these particular demons if she was ever going to have some normality. She opened the door and walked into the warm fug of air. The plants surrounded her on all sides and she paced down the middle aisle. There was a small sofa at the end of it and she sat down, letting her surroundings overtake her. She took a deep breath of the warm air and tilted her head back against the back of the sofa.

Chuck woke up to find himself gripping a pillow to his chest and realising that the warmth that he had gone to sleep with had disappeared. He sat bolt upright in bed, the fear that she had left him again niggling at his insides. Then he noticed her bag on the back of the door and her clothes tangled at the foot of his desk. He breathed a sigh of relief and got out of bed in a more leisurely manner. His dressing gown was on the back of his door and he threw it on over his pyjama bottoms and slipping his feat into slippers as he walked out of the room. The house was silent, he could not hear any movment from anywhere as he walked down the stairs to the kitchen. The room was cold and he saw the doors to the garden standing open. He could see the greenhouse at the end of the garden and guessed that she would have resorted to the warmth. He didn't think he could ever remember being with her in there, but shrugged off that thought as he turned to the coffee maker.

The warmth of the heater in the greenhouse washed over him as he walked in, mugs in hand. She was lying on the sofa at the end of a long row of plants and her head turned as she heard his footsteps come closer. For some reason there was a look of apprehension in her eyes as he drew closer, but she sat up and took the proffered drink. He sat next to her and she yawned before turning to him "don't have a cigarette in that dressing gown of yours do you Chuck?" He shook his head and grinned at her grimace, "but if you get up off your bum and look under that sofa cushion I believe you'll find the housekeeper's secret stash. She thinks I don't know that she escapes here for her fag break, but..." she smiled "you're Chuck Bass?" He laughed as she got up and pulled back the cushion, laughing with glee as she saw the concealed packet lying there.

She put two in her mouth and lit them with his lighter, passing one to him. He took it gratefully and frowned as he saw that look in her eyes still. "How long have you been down here?" he asked in a tentative voice. She smiled, "oh a couple of hours, I had some demons to settle in here." It was his turn to look apprehensive now as he asked "Demons, what demons could you have here?" She looked at her feet and mumbled something that he did not catch, he put an arm round her "speak up Waldorf." She looked up at him "you forgot who I was in here, I hadn't been back inside since." He frowned "I don't understand, how could I forget you?" She smiled grimly "it was one of your parties, we were in here, you were well...you know, we had sex and you looked at me afterwards completely deadpan and asked me what my name was. Then, when I told you it didn't register and you walked out. You remembered me later that night, after they'd all gone home. I mean it was probably nothing, a bad high or something-" He cut off her ramble with his lips, when he pulled away he whispered "I'm so sorry." She lowered her gaze from his, "it's no big deal, seriously, I don't mind that much. It went with the territory right?" He shook his head insistently, "Blair, don't do that, I'd be hurt if you forgot who I was, high or not." She nodded, then smiled weakly and jumped up. "Breakfast and then I have to get away from you for a while. I can only take so much at once." He nodded and followed her out of the greenhouse, noticing as she paused at a particular spot and pulled a leaf from a plant.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Well here we go, I've downgraded the rating thanks to some advice from one of my kind reviewers...so I hope any new people who read this like it. This chapter was fairly hard to write, I didn't seem to be able to find a way of explaining what's going on in their heads as easily, but I hope you like it! Thanks again for the reviews!**

Chuck found himself sitting on the tube on Monday morning, whisky laced coffee in hand, impatient for school. The weekend had dragged by; Blair had left him after having showered and donned her clothes. He had lain in bed for half the day, basking in her scent that permeated his sheets and had only been moved to get up when the doorbell rang. He had run down the stairs thinking that it would be Blair, smile on her face and bottle of wine in hand, but it was Nate. He had stumbled over the post to get the door and stooping to pick it up as Nate came in he saw the dark blue crest on the thick envelope. He dropped the other letters on the hall table and walked back up to his room in a daze and completely oblivious to Nate following him. He sat down at his desk and opened it, ignoring Nate's "Bloody hell Chuck, what've you been doing in here?" The letter tore open and he quickly skimmed it, then glancing up at Nate a grin spread across his face. Nate held out his hand, taking the paper from his hand as Chuck picked up his phone and sent a message to Blair. Somewhere under his bed, a phone went off and he realised with a groan that she had left it there by mistake.

Nate looked up from the letter and laughed, "Well done on both counts Chuck. I think this calls for a celebration. Get dressed you lazy oaf." Chuck crawled under his bed a retrieved the phone, when Nate recognized Blair's handset his eyebrows raised and he smiled even wider "so where is she hidden Bass?" Chuck threw a slipper at him "She's gone Nathaniel and if you laugh one more time you'll be in the same state." He had expected her to come round that night to collect it, but when he stumbled home in the dawn of the Sunday morning, there was no sign of her having been round. So the next afternoon after having slept his hangover off, he called the Waldorf house phone and received the chilly voice of Eleanor Waldorf. She had told him that Blair was out with her father and would not be home until the evening and she had barely managed to disguise her distaste at his intrusion into her family. Chuck had attempted to sound civil, but he had never quite been able to look her in the eye since he had been cornered by her and been told that he was ruining her daughter.

So he found himself on this cold morning, nursing a Starbucks cup and trying to drown out his thoughts with what he realised was overly depressing music. The tube stopped at Victoria and he got off to change lines. He dawdled up the corridor to the platform and reaching the top of the stairs saw her standing against the wall with her eyes on a book, thermos mug in one hand. Her school uniform could not quite achieve its aim of making every girl who wears it look unattractive. The grey skirt hugged her hips and legs and the chalk stripe blazer managed to look classy when offset by her dark brown hair and pale skin. He went to stand beside her and she looked up as she registered that someone had arrived. She smiled at him, "Nate told me your news, and I can't say I'm surprised, but well done Bass." He smirked back and retrieved her phone from his pocket, "Thank you Waldorf, it means a lot coming from you. Oh and you left this on Saturday..." she took it from him and laughed easily "I thought that might've been what happened to it, but really didn't want to intrude." Chuck frowned at her and was going to ask her what the hell she meant when the train drew into the platform and she stepped forward. The gust of air from the train punched into the many commuters along the platform and her hair billowed around her face, carrying her scent to him. He felt her pull him in and moved beside her as the doors flew open.

She got on and sat down. He followed her lead and sat opposite her so he could see how she had decided to behave today. She put her book in her bag and cupped both hands around her mug and smiled at him "mother said you rang on Sunday afternoon..." He nodded and a gleam of something appeared in her eye "that was brave of you, she's not exactly the most energetic member of the Chuck Bass fan club is she?" He laughed and retorted, "You give me too much credit, and I didn't expect them to be back." Blair took a gulp from her mug and nodded "they finished up early and apparently couldn't stand New York any longer so they came back. God what I'd give to be out there right now." She looked out the window at the tunnel walls shooting past and Chuck frowned slightly before touching her leg and saying "is that a touch of escapism I detect Waldorf?" She looked at him and he could see that she had meant it; there was a look of complete exhaustion in her eyes and he could not detect any of the driving force in her that had been present as long as he had known her.

The train pulled into the next station. He grabbed her hand and pulled her from her seat and off the train. "Chuck!" she exclaimed when her feet hit the platform "what the hell are you doing?" He turned to her and said in a voice whose tone was commanding and overly authoritative: "I'm taking an executive decision Waldorf. We're not going to school today, we're escaping and you're going to tell me why you've suddenly become less motivated than Nathaniel Archibald." She looked downcast, "but..." He stopped her and his voice took on a more compassionate tone, "no 'buts' Blair, the fact that you haven't yet slapped me for doing this, shows me that something is up. Look you don't have to talk about it, I know you hate that, but shall we at least attempt to be normal for a day?" Another train pulled into the platform as he finished speaking and she glanced towards it, "come on Waldorf, you said yourself that you don't want to be here. So let's just go." She turned to him and in one fluid movement, threw her free arm around his neck and pressed her lips to his. By the time they pulled apart the train and their chances of being in school on time had pulled away.

They stepped out into the crisp sunlight, which shone down on the golden facets of the Albert Memorial in Hyde Park, half an hour later. Chuck topped at the foot of the monument and began unknotting his school tie, "I'd suggest taking that blazer off if I didn't think you'd freeze, the last thing we want is someone recognising our uniform. We can buy you a jacket when the shops open in Knightsbridge, but until then we'll have to keep to the quieter areas." He pulled his coat off and removed his own blazer, stuffing it into his bag; she smiled half-heartedly at him "something tells me you've done this before Bass. What am I supposed to do with this coat when I get home?" He smirked at her "what could possibly give you that idea? You can leave the coat at mine if you like."

She looked up at the decadent memorial to a woman's loss and squinted at the statue on it "doesn't strike me as the best form of love, why would she need to show the whole world how she felt? Love isn't about everybody knowing, it's supposed to be shared between two people." He took her gloved hand and they turned their backs on it, taking one of the smaller paths into the park, "I never thought I'd see you become the sceptic. Queen Vic was showing her subjects that she was just as much a woman, who had loved and lost as a monarch and figurehead, for them." She did not answer him and they continued to walk. The trees around them rustled quietly in the cold breeze and their feet crunched over the dead leaves. It was surreal, in the heart of the capital of Europe, one of the busiest cities in the world that complete peace could be found. There was still frost on the grass where the shadows still remained and as they reached one of the many ponds, ice could be seen glittering on the surface. They stopped by the frozen water, their hands loosely linked between them.

Blair shivered involuntarily and Chuck felt a tremor go through him, he dropped her hand and began to unbutton his coat. "Here, put it on, no one will see you," he teased lightly. She looked at him holding the coat open for her and hesitated, before allowing him to put it over her shoulders. The sat on a bench that was still lightly covered with frost and she began scrawling shapes on the arm of the bench with her gloved hand. "So what did you do all weekend Waldorf?" he asked in an attempt to be 'normal'. She continued to stare at the frost, as she answered, "Oh you know, not much, got home on Saturday and spent the evening with Serena and some others. Then the parents returned on Sunday morning and I was out with daddy until the evening." Her voice had remained forcibly calm and devoid of feeling, he got the sense that she was suppressing something. She sucked in a cold breath of air and looked up at him "I expect you had a pretty rough night with Nate then, after you found out about the interview, I mean." He kept his eyes fixed on the ducks skating across the ice and nodded "Wasn't one of my most sober nights I will say that. I don't suppose you heard did you?" There was a silence and then she answered in an overly cheerful voice "No, not yet. You know different colleges take different amounts of time." He turned his head then only to find her transfixed by her frost pictures and decided not to push anything.

Chuck looked at his watch and stood up, "it's gone nine. The shops will be opening now." She got up, hastily rubbing out her doodles in the frost and smiling at him with eyes that sparkled with just a little bit too much moisture. He took her hand and stood facing her "Blair, are you ok? Is there anything we need to talk about?" She took a step forward and kissed him softly, her mouth was cold, but he felt an undercurrent of emotion flowing through her that he could not interpret. Their lips moved slowly and gently in unison, but he pulled away as he tasted salt on her lips. "Blair? What's wrong?" he asked as another drop of moisture left her eye. She smiled at him "nothing, it's just, that's the first time you've asked if we need to talk." He looked at her sceptically "you're crying, because you're happy?" She nodded turning away from him and removing his coat, before dragging him back down the path to reality.

Chuck was not buying her story, there was something bigger going on with her and he had not missed the fact that she used that reason for her tears as a decoy. Again, he would not press it though, this Blair was so unpredictable that he had to tiptoe around her, follow her lead. They returned to the noise of the road running past the Albert Hall and meandered up it until they entered Knightsbridge where Chuck dragged them into Harrods, knowing that if the Blair he knew and loved would surface in any way it would be through this. A shop assistant approached them and Chuck turned on him with a smile saying smoothly "Good afternoon, I'm Chuck Bass."

By lunchtime, Chuck thought he had managed to retrieve some semblance of the Blair that he knew. She sat across from him in a restaurant and he could see some life in her again. It had not just been the shopping, of course, Blair had felt almost secure with him for the first time in, well ever. He had played the part of what one imagine was the perfect boyfriend, but now he was looking at her over his wine glass with a scrutinising gaze that she knew would see right through her surface happiness to where the pain was. She leant across the table, "you know Bass I think that's the first date I've been on with you." He smiled sadly "I got a lot wrong with you didn't I? I'm only just beginning to realise how much it really was." She put her hand on his and said softly "don't worry about it, I've forgotten it all. What's important is that you're here now." He was not taken in and detected the lie in her voice "Blair you do not have to say things like that to make me feel better. We have to at least acknowledge that we have, I have, messed up. You left me on Saturday morning saying that you needed to be away from me, after telling me the fact that I forgot who you were, you who mean more to me than anyone, and pretended that you were ok. I just don't see how that's healthy."

Blair toyed with her knife and taking a deep breath "look you had your reasons for doing what you did. I entered that relationship with my eyes open, I left it with them still open and I am doing whatever it is this is with my eyes open. I know you Chuck and despite that, I still cannot keep away. So when I say it's forgotten you'll have to accept it, because if we keep dragging it up then all that will happen is more pain." Chuck shook his head defiantly "you say you had your eyes open, but you're blind to the effect that it had on you and is having on you. Of course you knew what I was like, but that doesn't mean you anticipated what you would be like." She stared at her plate and shook her head "I didn't anticipate it, you're right, but that doesn't seem to matter anymore. The reality is, the inevitable truth is that I just cannot keep away even though I know what you are doing to me." She smiled painfully and quoted from the novel that they were studying in class "'You are part of my existence, part of myself...to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain part of my character.'" She added derisively: "God Dickens didn't half know what he was talking about." Chuck closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose "Blair, you know I'm just as much subject to this as you are, but it's not good for you. I have done remarkably well out of us, but look at you, I have done this to you. You're a shadow of who you were when started out." A look of pain danced across her face, but she replaced it with one of passivity. He pushed at that glimpse of a reaction "I know what I've done to you and if me leaving you alone means that you'll come back...well then I'll do it. It's not fair and I'm not selfish enough anymore to turn a blind eye to it, just because I can't do without you."

The expression on her gradually turned from passivity to fear filled desperation. She gripped the edge of the table, her knuckles turning white "Chuck" she choked out "you can't do that, you c-c-can't do that to me." She got up quickly, throwing her napkin in her soup and running for the door. He threw money down on the table and grabbed their bags following after her. He just saw her hail a cab and jump into it as he left the building. The black vehicle did a u-turn and headed in the direction of her house, before mingling with the rest of the London traffic. He sighed and slowly followed it, the walk would do him good and he guessed that she needed time.

Blair heard the doorbell ring a couple of hours later, heard the housekeeper answer it and heard the footsteps climbing the stairs towards her room. She turned towards the door as it opened and Chuck came in, dropping the bags in his hands and opening his arms to her. She almost fell towards him, burying her head in his cold coat. They stood for a long time like that before she looked up at him and said in a calmer voice, "Chuck, you can't help me by running away. I need you just as much as you do me and we both know that any attempt to separate will end up in tears for one or both of us." He closed his eyes and nodded, kissing the top of her head and letting go of her. She smiled and helped him off with his coat before saying "Now, how about we have a go at your interview questions? Mother and Father are away tonight, something to do with a dinner in Scotland..." Chuck looked at her and smiled "Yes, let's do that..." she turned to her desk "and Blair, it will be ok." She nodded again, and picked up a book "I know," she said in a slightly subdued voice.

Later that night they lay on her bed, Chuck fast asleep with his arms around her, Blair remembered those words and felt herself descend into silent tears. Chuck had not seen the letters that she had scrawled on the frost laiden bench, or the letter buried under her copy of 'War and Peace'. Her frosty words had read, over and over again 'I didn't get in' and the letter on its thick paper, in its harsh letters had put it more formally: _"We regret to inform you that we could not offer you an interview. We have received a great number of high calibre candidates this year and we are sorry that your application did not reach the standard necessary for entrance into the interview round. We wish you the best of luck with your other applications..." _Blair allowed her tears to flow silently and then she turned her head towards the reason for her failure and the only thing now that would seem to give her life purpose. How had she ended up totally and utterly in the power of Chuck Bass?


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning dawned cold and grey. The silence in the dark room was broken by the shrill metallic beeping of the alarm on the shelf above Blair's bed. The sleeping couple began to stir as the persistent noise got increasingly louder. Chuck reached up and hit the snooze button, feeling the weight of a warm and sleepy Blair settle back on him as he leant back again. Her eyes were closed tight and she showed no sign of wanting to wake up. Chuck turned on his side to face her and gently pressed his lips to hers, eliciting from her a groan of annoyance as she turned her head away: "Morning breathe Bass!" He laughed softly, "Did the trick though Waldorf, you're awake. Come on get up, time for school." She turned her head back to his face, her eyes now open and pulled him to her closing her eyes again and mumbling "no I'm not awake" before pressing her lips back to his.

The warmth of their sleep-drenched bodies gradually began to heat up as Blair's lips kept a firm hold on his. Chuck found himself forgetting about school as her leg curved around his waist and as her tongue trailed along the roof of his mouth making him shudder. He slid his hands up the smooth contours of her leg and under her nightdress where there was far too much of her bare skin for him to remain responsible for his actions. He felt the curve of her back running his fingers up and down the dip of her spine and smiling as he felt her lean into his touch. Blair rolled onto her back, sliding her leg off his back and down his leg. Chuck hovered over her, loosing himself in her taste, her soft lips and her sinuous body.

The alarm began its shrill intonations again and he felt himself being dragged back to reality. Blair threw out an arm to switch it off, but he got to it before her and before she could do anything about it, the moment had ended. Chuck pulled back from her and she attempted to pull him back down to her. "Blair, school." She frowned at him "Come on flower, people will start to talk if we're absent together two days in a row...," he said with a halfhearted smile. She closed her eyes, shook her head "Well you go in then," he bent his head to hers, and kissed her gently. "Now Waldorf, if you expect me to go in without you then you've got another thing coming." She opened her eyes and looked at him in a perplexed way "why not?" He sighed and got out of bed walking to her wardrobe and taking out a white shirt, "because, I'm not leaving you by yourself. That's not how this works anymore." She sat up in bed "I'm not a child Chuck, I can take care of myself you know." He walked back over to her and handed her the shirt and some underwear. Lifting her arms above her head he said, "well let's just suppose for a moment that your unwillingness to go to school has made me think you are about five years old," he pulled her night dress off and handed her a bra "you need to come in Blair, you'll never ace that interview if you don't go to lessons." She grimaced and put on the underwear and shirt. Getting out of bed she pulled a pair of stockings out of her draw and sat down again to put them on "Fine you win, but I'm not happy Bass." He laughed at the expression on her face and began to dress himself, "well as long as I've won."

Chuck walked into his first lesson of the day, the only one incidentally that he did not have with Blair and sat down between Serena and Nate who both gave him suspicious looks. He decided to deal with Serena first, given that he could guess what Nate wanted, "Good weekend S?" She nodded "Not as good as yours by the looks of things though," she said pointing at a red mark resting just where his unbuttoned collar met his skin. He hastily did up his collar and smirked, he had not noticed that. "Anyway, where were you yesterday? Or do I not want to know?" she continued talking with a smile on her face. "I was err recovering," Chuck said with yet another smirk, which almost disappeared as he felt Nate kick him under the table. "You haven't seen Blair today have you?" she probed, Chuck put on his most languorous drawl and answered "bumped into her on the tube this morning, why?" Serena glanced out the window "Oh she was off yesterday too, didn't answer her phone or anything. I was just wondering if she was OK after the weekend..." she trailed off when she saw the look of confusion on Chuck's face. "Oh well if she was fine then it doesn't matter." Chuck felt a gnawing sense that he was missing something, but Serena seemed to have lost interest in their conversation.

Their teacher walked in before he could press her for more information and as he began his slideshow, Nate nudged him and whispered "so I take it you were with..." Chuck glared at him and Nate finished "that girl yesterday?" Chuck nodded "we had to sort out a few things, she seemed a bit down." Nate nodded in comprehension "Well you'd expect her to be pretty cut up wouldn't you?" Chuck looked up at the image of Winston Churchill on the screen and murmured "Yeah well we had to talk through some stuff, but I think she's getting better. Small steps are what are needed in our relationship." Nate looked at Chuck's profile in confusion and his mouth formed into an 'o' as he realised that Chuck did not know before turning back to the screen and murmuring, "yeah, talking does tend to help," in a lame, slightly halfhearted voice.

The lesson dragged on, their teacher giving an interminable lecture on the foreign policy of Winston Churchill. Then, just at the beginning of the second of the lessons there was a knock on the door and Chuck looked up to see her standing by the teacher holding out a slip of paper. The teacher read it swiftly then without looking up, barked out "Bass, the director of sixth form wants to see you in his office, now." Chuck got up and shrugged on his blazer, Nate cocked an eyebrow at him clearly sceptical as to the authenticity of the note. Chuck turned his back on his friend and followed Blair out of the classroom. They walked in silence for a minute, passing classrooms full of students. "So does he really want to see me?" Chuck asked tentatively when they reached the corridor leading to his office. Blair stopped walking and nodded "I've just been in with him, he asked me to pull you out of politics to talk to him." She glanced down the corridor with a pained expression on her face "I'll leave you to it then I suppose." She smiled but it did not reach her eyes and turning on her heel, she walked away from him. He watched her walk away then turned back on his route to his teacher's office.

As soon as he had turned his back, Blair ran to the girls toilets. She slumped against the mirror, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them to her. The director had told her that there was no possible way of getting round the decision of the university. He had commented in a rather bemused tone that her teachers thought that she had gone off the boil in the run up to applications and that her only hope was to buck up her ideas and reapply next year. He had rubbed salt into the wound at the end of the interview by asking her to fetch Chuck from his lesson. How could she tell him now? Tell him that she had failed where he had succeeded; she knew now that he would feel guilty for it. She stood up as the bell rang for break and checked her appearance in the mirror, she would act her heart out to hide it from him. If she did not get there he must at least make it there, otherwise she would have failed for nothing.

She walked into the common room, a smile on her face and threw herself down on a sofa next to Chuck who was laughing as Nate desperately tried to throw together an essay for his next lesson by combining Serena's and Chuck's attempts into one. The all looked up as she settled herself next to Chuck. Nate and Serena had looks of concern on their faces; Chuck smiled warmly at her and threw an arm along the back of the sofa behind her. Blair turned to look at him and smiled back at him "how was the meeting?" Nate looked up from his page and grinned "yeah Chuck how was that meeting?" Chuck grimaced "it was fine actually; I'm due in Oxford next Tuesday." He turned to Blair and murmured "I was thinking we could travel up together?" she glanced at Serena who seemed to be watching them rather closely and smiled "maybe, we'll see if I get one." Serena frowned but did not say anything as Nate threw down his pad of paper with a flourish "that my friends is a masterpiece. I challenge you to do the same in such a short period of time."

The bell rang and the students began filtering out to their classes, Chuck stood up holding his hand out to Blair "Come on Waldorf, philosophy time." Blair took it and he pulled her up. Serena stood up, joining them as they left Nate to his Biology and frowned again as she saw Chuck place a protective hand on the small of Blair's back and guide her through the crowds. She held back from saying anything until they were seated safely on the other side of their philosophy classroom from him and then she turned her quizzical gaze on the brunette beside her. "B, why haven't you told Chuck yet?" Blair looked up from her bag and shrugged "can't face the wounded pride, S. Besides, you know I couldn't give him the satisfaction of letting him know that he'd won." Serena glanced across at Chuck who was ignoring Dan Humphrey beside him and checking his messages. "You know B, I think he has feelings for you," she whispered. Blair laughed out loud causing a few people to look in her direction, "don't be stupid Serena," she hissed "Chuck Bass doesn't do feelings, you know that." Her phone buzzed in her bag and she glanced at it _"did I mention you looked beautiful today Waldorf?" _she just managed to suppress a smile. She stuffed her phone back in her bag as their teacher came in and perched herself on a desk in front of Chuck.

Serena continued their conversation "you're too hard on him B, I think he's changed since the summer." Blair shot back derisively "yeah coming off drugs can change a guy." Serena looked at her reproachfully and Blair continued in a whisper "we both know that feelings are not something that Chuck has time for. Having known him as long as we have you shouldn't be thinking that he's just like any other guy." Their teacher was now leaning over Chuck's shoulder saying in what was probably the least professional voice Blair had ever heard "oh Charles, don't be so narrow minded in your essays! Come and see me after school today and I'll show you how it should be done." Chuck looked up at her and smirked "Well if you think it would help Miss." He turned his gaze on Blair who smiled a Serena "see what I mean, S?" Serena sighed and looked up as the teacher began distributing the rest of their essays.

Chuck caught her at lunchtime as she was heading for her houseroom. "How're you holding up?" he asked as they fell into step. She squeezed his arm and smiled "I'm ok, being busy seems to do me good." They stood in the queue for lunch and he slipped his hand into hers so that no one could see and murmured "What do you want to do tonight? Are the parents back?" They let go of each other as they reached the food "Yeah they're back, mother sent me a text earlier telling me that their train gets in at 7ish. So I don't know, I'm also auditioning for the play tonight and you have your little rendezvous with Miss Dove?" He laughed and walked with her to a table, "I wasn't actually going to go flower, but if you're auditioning I could go and meet you for coffee afterwards? Given that your parents are getting back and that my father has guests tonight." She looked up from her soup and smiled "yes, let's do that and we can do some questions for Tuesday?" He looked up at her in surprise "Blair, can't we just spend time together? I thought we'd sustained normal pretty well today, shall we not ruin it by dragging up 'why I chose Christ Church' or 'how I interpret the emotions that Keats presents'?" She laughed softly and Chuck continued "come on, let's just be you and me, because that's what needs most work done on it right now." She picked up her spoon and her cheeks turned a soft pink colour, "what is it?" he asked. She laughed and whispered "you have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now." He laughed and murmured back "I assure you the feeling is entirely mutual."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and began reading through it again. Chuck looked at her over the rim of his glass and putting it down asked "is that your audition piece?" She nodded "Titania, Queen of the fairies. Should be good fun if I get it..." he laughed "you know you will, our performance last week was a mock audition for you wasn't it? Seeing as our English teacher will be directing I'd say you were a shoe in." She laughed and put the paper back in her pocket and standing up as a lower school boy cleared her bowl away. "Well here's hoping you're right. Come on let's go and find the others." He followed her out feeling more hopeful about them than he had done that morning. She wasn't clinging to him like she had, he thought she was happy and she seemed to be wanting to be in school again. He could only hope that it lasted, maybe the promise of an interview had done the trick with her.

Chuck sat in the coffee shop nearest their school and read the interview guidance that his teacher had given him earlier that day. He heard her footsteps on the stairs before he saw her and put the papers in his bag before patting the sofa beside him "How did it go?" he asked her. She leant over and gave him a kiss "it went very well" she said as she pulled away. She tucked her feet up under her and looked at him, carefully reading his facial expression. He met her gaze with his own enquiring look "like what you see Waldorf?" she laughed "yes, but you're stressed Bass. I can see it in those stress lines in between your eyes." He got up from the sofa "I'm getting a coffee before you analyse my face any further. What can I get you flower?" he said with an amused voice. She leant her head back on the sofa and smiled sleepily "just a cappuccino please."

He put the drinks down on the small table in front of them and he settled himself on the sofa beside her. She picked up her mug and cupped her hands around it smiling mischeviously "you know Serena thinks you have feelings for me Bass." He laughed and stroked her leg absent mindedly "I don't know where she could have got that idea from." She laughed and sipped at her drink. He paused before saying what he wanted to say next, gauging what her reaction might be; "you know flower you should tell her about us." Blair looked at him over the steam of her coffee "what would I tell her? That we've been sleeping together, or that we can't really seem to stay away from each other so we've stopped fighting it and have given up?" Chuck shook his head and took a deep breath "why not tell her I'm your boyfriend?" Blair's lazy, slightly amused expression changed to one of complete surprise "What?" Chuck gently took the mug from her hands and put it down on the table. He took her hands in his "it makes sense, it's what I want us to be and if you think about it the main reason we messed up last time was because we were secret. You had no one to go to, to help you or to punch me for being such a dick to you." She stared at him in shock, she felt herself tipping towards him, she had lost control of her body and was going with gut instinct. Their lips connected and she knew what her answer was as he pulled away "so is that a yes?" she laughed and threw her arms around him.

They were interrupted by a gasp. They broke apart and looked at the boy and girl that were standing there. "Chuck, Blair we're so sorry!" the boy exclaimed. Chuck laughed "don't sweat it Eric, it's our fault for being so public." Jenny found her voice "Are you two...?" Blair glared at her "we are Jenny, but if this gets out your hope for prefectship next year will be dead and gone." The two lower sixth students blushed with embarrassment, but Chuck saved them from anymore by pulling Blair to her feet. "we were just leaving, weren't we Waldorf?" Blair shot a glare at the pair, before acquiescing, taking the hand of her boyfriend and walking out.

Chuck turned to her quizzically as they got out into the dark winters evening "why the threats? You're not that ashamed of us are you?" Blair shook her head and sighed "no, it's just Jenny Humphrey knowing is as good as it being posted on facebook and I didn't want the whole world knowing before we tell Serena." Chuck smiled at her and wrapped his arm around her tightly, whispering into her hair"I've missed you Blair."


	10. Chapter 10

For the first time in four months, Chuck Bass was at a party and did not feel the need to slip off into a separate room to get high. This was mainly owing to the woman standing about a foot away from him talking to Nate. Blair, his legitimate girlfriend, even he could not quite believe that he was committed to someone so completely and was not feeling stifled, trapped or the need to drink his way out of it. She turned her head slightly and caught his eye and he smiled at her, pointing to his empty glass and moving towards the drinks table.

It was the Friday night before he had to head up to Oxford for his weekend of induction and then the interview on the Tuesday. To say he was nervous was an understatement, he would never have cared enough about anything before to become nervous and it was an utterly new feeling for him. He reached for the whisky bottle and sniffed at it, wrinkling his nose at the cheap smell that wafted up to him. He put the bottle back on the table and examined the wine bottles, trying to find something that would not cause him to gag in disgust. He found a decent bottle of red and poured himself a generous glass, turning back to gaze at the crowded room.

Dan Humphrey appeared from the crowd and picked up the same bottle, pouring himself a drink and following Chuck's line of sight until he too saw the figure of Blair. "She's taking it surprisingly well don't you think?" he said in a conversational tone. Chuck turned to his philosophy partner in disdain, "Taking what well Humphrey?" Dan looked at him in confusion "Being rejected by Oxford, I mean in her place I'd have gone to pieces, everyone thought she was a shoe-in." Chuck almost dropped his glass, but managed to compose himself "Why would she have told you that Humphrey, you're hardly a friend of hers." Dan grimaced "Oh, well I, er, overheard her on the phone to her mother after rehearsals on Thursday. I haven't told anyone, don't worry, I ugh..." he trailed off as he saw the glare on Chuck's face. "I'd keep it to myself if I were you Humphrey" he said in a menacing voice and walked away from him to where Serena stood.

He gripped her by the arm and pulled her away from her conversation with a nod to the guy she was talking to. She turned to him in surprise, but that expression left her face when she saw his frown. "Is it true?" he asked in a quiet voice, she looked confused and he continued, "If she told anyone, it would be you. So, is it true Serena?" The blonde gulped and nodded "Chuck she's going to tell you herself, you have to let her do that. Me and Nate wanted -"Chuck cut her off "Nate knows? How?" Serena looked slightly scared "Well he invited us to join you on the night you celebrated and I had to say no for that reason, it just slipped out." Chuck shook his head in disbelief "I'm her boyfriend Serena, even if I wasn't when she found out we were close enough that I should have been the first person that she told." The blonde nodded "Trust me I get it Chuck. She said she would tell you in her own time and would not give me the real reason for being like that." Chuck took a long swig from his glass and looked at Serena again "So do I speak to her?" She smiled "Do what you think is best Chuck, it's your relationship."

He turned away from her and looked over at Blair, who was still talking to Nate. They had decided to tell only their close group of friends about their relationship and as such had to behave as though nothing had changed at events like these, but Chuck felt himself rebelling against this rule. He had suggested the privacy; maybe she thought he was not all in? How else could he explain her withholding such momentous news from him? He pushed through the crowds and slid his arms around her waist. Heads turned as people registered what he was doing. Blair turned in his arms and looked up at him quizzically. He smiled at her and brought his lips to hers, kissing her gently. She pulled away quickly and frowned slightly "What are you doing?" she breathed. He moved his mouth to her ear "it's time people saw how much I care about you Waldorf, so shut up and kiss me." She laughed and pulled his lips to hers again. The turning heads had become an attentive audience now and it was getting to the point where a ring was being formed around the kissing couple, but Serena interrupted by shouting "Get a room!" at the top of her voice. They broke apart and laughed, turning back to Nate who was looking completely dazed and confused.

Chuck took Blair's hand "I need to talk to you, somewhere quiet" she nodded and followed him out of the crowded rooms and up some stairs until they found an empty bedroom on the top floor. He pulled her inside the softly lit room and turned to her "Blair-"but her mouth cut off his words with a feverish eagerness. Her tongue found his and her hot mouth pressed harder to his. She moaned into his mouth and began pushing him backwards until he fell onto the large bed in the centre of the room. She fell with him and straddled him as they gained purchase on the heavy quilt. Her mouth intoxicated him, her scent filled his nose and he could feel himself losing control as she bit down gently on his bottom lip. They had not had sex for a week now and he had been running on empty for little less than 6 days, but he needed to talk to her.

He turned his head away from hers and she sat up, resting her hands on his chest and looking down at him. He shifted under her until he was in a sitting position against the headboard and looked at her. She was frowning slightly "By my reckoning Chuck, we haven't had sex in a week, what with rehearsals and interview prep. This leads me to my question, what the hell is wrong with you to be passing up this opportunity to get rid of some of your stress?" He laughed gently "So you've been counting too?" she smiled gently but said nothing, obviously waiting for an answer to her question. Chuck took a deep breath and looked at her searchingly "is there anything that you want to talk about? Is anything wrong at all?" She smiled softly and shifted gently on his crotch, which seriously impaired his concentration. Leaning in so that their mouths were barely millimetres apart she whispered, "It feels to me Bass like talking is not what you came up here to do. So, no nothing is wrong and I do not need to talk. What I need you to do right now is..." She did not finish her sentence as her hands tangled in his hair and as with another excruciating rub against him, she brought their lips together.

Paddington Station was not busy the next morning as they stood gazing at the departures boards. The train to Oxford flashed up and Blair turned to him a smile on her face, "Well, good luck, I suppose. You know you don't need it though." He took both her hands in his, feeling a pang of guilt as he looked down at her. They had not talked last night, not even when they had got back to his house. That was not to say he had not tried, because he had and each time she had lured him away from talk with a slightly conflicted smile and her intoxicating body. He bent to kiss her now and tried one last time "Blair, are you sure that there is nothing that you need to tell me?" This time he actually saw the internal battle in her eyes but she conquered whatever emotion it was that told her that she needed to tell him and shook her head. "Just make me proud, Bass." They kissed again and he turned towards the platform as the final call for his train rang out across the station.

Blair turned away from the retreating figure and walked towards the cab rank, she managed to keep her face impassive until the cab had reached the Euston Road and then she felt herself cracking. The tears fell silently down her cheeks and she did not bother to wipe them away. A week of putting on the brave face. No, a week of acting her heart out had finally taken its toll on her. Now, Chuck was out of sight for the next four days she could deal with the feelings that had been brewing and bubbling in the pit of her stomach. The feelings of failure, loss, inadequacy and yes jealousy. She shuddered at that she was jealous of Chuck, of her own boyfriend, who had ruined her chance of making it in order to succeed in the one area she needed the most. She had let it happen though. She had let it happen, because she loved him. For, that was the other feeling that she had be suppressing for a long time, one that had lain buried under all the other conflicted emotions that surrounded him. She loved Chuck Bass.

The cab pulled up to her house and she paid the driver quickly before running up the steps to her door. She unlocked it and almost tripped over her feet in her rush to get into her room. She was grateful for once that her parent's highflying careers meant that they were absent more often than not. She threw her handbag in the corner of her room and kicked off her shoes, standing barefoot by the window. The gardener was bending over one of the flowerbeds in the back garden and she saw the housekeeper walk out to him with a cup of tea. They stood and talked for a few minutes and Blair found herself feeling almost jealous of the simplicity of their lifestyles. Yes, they had to work incredibly hard, but they did not have to deal with any of the pressure or expectation that parents or one of the top private schools in the country brings.

She turned to her desk, gazing at the pile of Oxford related papers in the middle of it. She continued gazing at them and delved into her pockets pulling out cigarettes and what revealed itself Chuck's lighter. She lit up and examined the silver implement. There was a half-formed idea in her head, one that seemed to combat directly her feeling of anger in the pit of her stomach. She rolled up the sash window and called out to the gardener "John, I want to light a bonfire. Can you gather together the leaves for burning please? I've got some papers that I need to get rid of." The gardener looked up at her in surprise, but nodded and began to move all the garden cuttings into a pile. Blair closed the window and turned back to her desk, stubbing out her cigarette in an ashtray. She filled her arms with the papers and carried them out into the garden where flames were beginning to lick round the dead plants and threw them on top.

The yellow, gold flames curled around the printed words of the sheets, she saw her own handwriting and that of Chuck turn into glowing cinders. The heat started to roll off the burning pages and she basked in the idea of her failure being obliterated, reduced to a pile of grey ashes. She turned away from the fire as it began to settle into a steady burn and smiled at the two servants that were watching her in slight awe. "Thank you, I really needed to get rid of those" she said in a laughing voice and ran back inside the house.

As her wet feet hit the tiles of the kitchen she registered that she hadn't put shoes on and as she saw her reflection in the mirror she saw just how bad she looked. Her makeup had run down her face, her cheeks were flushed from the fire and here eyes looked slightly crazed. This appearance did nothing to calm or subdue her mood, instead she laughed at her expression and continued on her path up to the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the large bathtub and turned the taps on. The medicine cabinet was above the sink and she opened it to find some makeup removal wipes, but her eye was caught by a small bottle of pills on the top shelf. She took the wipes out and then reached up to take the bottle. Her mother's supply of Valium lay in her palm and she put it down on the edge of the sink. There was a creeping temptation in the back of her mind, but she turned away from it as she undressed and immersed herself in the hot water.

She lay back against the hard bathtub and gazed at the ceiling. Now, those feelings, the ones that had kept her awake at night when Chuck lay sleeping peacefully in his own bed. How was she going to get round the fact that he had won where she had lost, but that he had only won because of her. He'd said it himself the other day "You know Blair, I would be nowhere without your help, without you." She had laughed then but she had known he was right, the Chuck Bass of a year ago would never have pushed himself enough to get as far as he had managed now.

Blair dipped her head below the surface of the water, her eyes closed tight. All she could hear now was the thundering of the water as it fell into the bath and this noise succeeded in drowning out her thoughts for a moment. Then, as she felt the need for oxygen tug on her lungs a new thought entered her mind lazily. What if she just stayed here, under the water, her thoughts would be drowned out by the pounding of the taps and then it would fade and she wouldn't have to think anymore. Surely that was the best option? There was really nothing else going for her, there was another tug at her lungs in need of air and she expelled some bubbles. Yes, she would stay here, it was by far the best option. Oblivion was really all she wanted.

**Author's Note: So there we go! Thanks for all the reviews! Tell me what you think of it, be brutally honest...**


	11. Chapter 11

The tall spires of the university met Chuck's gaze as he crossed the bridge over the river and walked towards the centre of town. He saw others like him, bags in hand or being pulled behind them all walking towards the colleges. He saw a couple ahead of him, talking animatedly. The girl was tall, with red hair, very pale skin and she held herself in a way that oozed confidence. The boy with her was taller, less noticeable and was carrying her bag over one jacketed shoulder. He saw them come to the junction and frowned as the girl stepped out into the road without looking for cars; the boy threw out a hand and stopped her. He drew up behind them and heard the boy exclaim "Jesus Rose, be more careful!" The girl turned her head towards him and Chuck caught a glimpse of a beautifully pink cheek and flashing blue eyes "Calm down Chris I'm not that blind."

The lights went red and they all crossed, the pair becoming lost in the crowds of prospective students that seemed to flood in from nowhere. Chuck meandered along the pavements, leisurely people watching, picking out the private school kids who looked like they were entitled to be there and noticing the few obvious comprehensive students that looked utterly bewildered. He smiled to himself, how would someone observing him interpret his stance, Blair would have had an answer for him. The thought of her subdued him slightly and he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled her number. The phone rang and went straight through to voicemail. He tried the Waldorf residence, privately praying that her parents would be away, the housekeeper picked up. "Waldorf residence?" Chuck smiled to himself "It's Chuck Bass, can I speak to Blair please?"

As he was speaking, he reached the intimidating gates of Christ Church and doing a double take as he saw the same redheaded girl standing in the porters' lodge, without the boy she had been with before. She was squinting at her mobile, holding it closer to her face than most people did. The housekeeper interrupted his watching "I think she is in the bath Mr Bass, would you still like me to get her?" Chuck tried to suppress the image that immediately flew into his head and answered "No, don't disturb her, just tell her I rang." He cut the connection and putting his phone away, joined the queue of people receiving their room allocations. The redheaded girl was in front of him and he listened to the answers she gave the student registering them:

"Name?"

"Rose Linden"

"Subject?"

"English"

"School?"

"The London Oratory."

She collected her key and turned, making eye contact for a second then walking past him. Chuck turned his head to look at her, but was called back by the impatient student:

"Name?"

"Chuck Bass"

"Subject?"

"English"

"School?"

"Westminster"

He received a key walked out of the porters lodge and across the world famous quad towards the students' rooms. He stopped in the middle of the quad and gazed at the building surrounding him, frost covered grass, icily blue sky making the spires stand out all the more. He knew he belonged here, but he knew that Blair did too and he felt a yearning for her that was so powerful his breath caught.

###

Blair's lungs screamed out for oxygen, she felt her consciousness slipping away, hazy images flashed through her mind. The water around her was warm and she felt herself being lulled into a drowse, slowly everything began to become dimmer. A banging entered her peaceful daze and a voice crept into her gradually disappearing consciousness. Her head broke the surface of the water with a gasp and she lay in the water half-conscious. As the oxygen flooded into her lungs and her brain began to function again she realised the housekeeper was knocking on the door and calling her name. "Miss Blair, Mr Bass called, he wanted to speak to you, and I said you'd call him back..." she just managed to call out "Thank you!" and the woman went away.

She got out of the bath and wrapped herself in a towelling robe, still panting slightly, gazing at herself in the mirror over the sink. She leant on the edge of it and the pills caught her eye. She popped the cap and shook two into her hand, throwing her head back and swallowing them with a drink of water from the tap.

###

Chuck's phone buzzed as he reached the other side of the quad and he pulled it out, feeling his whole body relax as he saw her name flash up. "I'm missing you already Waldorf," he said as he put the phone to his ear, walking to the door of the halls and stepping inside. Her voice came over the phone in a bright, surprisingly rapid tone "Sorry I was in the bath when you called, how are you?" Chuck walked down the corridor "Don't worry about it, I'm fine, I only wish I had been there with you..." he trailed off as he saw the redheaded girl standing by a door in the process of fitting the key in the lock. Blair's laughter sounded in his ear "Oh, you're much better off where you are. Listen, I'll call you later; you must not have even got to your room yet." The redheaded girl was having problems opening the heavy oak door and Chuck smiled as he moved towards her "I'm just at my door, but you were almost right. I'll speak to you soon and Blair?" but the connection had been cut at the other end.

He put the phone back in his pocket and looked at the redheaded girl "Allow me?" he turned the key in the lock and threw open the door for her. She turned to him and smiled "Thank you for that," and holding out her hand "I'm Rose," Chuck took it "Chuck Bass, did I hear correctly that you were an English applicant too?" She nodded and her tone was laughing as she said, "Yes you did, but I won't hold it against you." He smiled back at her, and could not avoid noticing the flickering of her grey-flecked blue eyes or the size of her pupils. She glanced down breaking eye contact, she knew that he had noticed and he tried to put her at ease "Well given that we'll be spending the next few days next door to each other, can I buy you a drink later?" She looked up and her eyes narrowed slightly as she considered, "Okay, I'll be at The Turf with some other people if you want to join us?" Chuck nodded and smirked "I'll see you at induction then, I suppose." She nodded and went into her room, closing the door on him.

That evening, after a day of lectures, tours and meetings with students, Chuck walked into the cosy pub on the corner of King's Street and saw her in conversation with the boy from the morning. He had been put in a group with her and had ascertained that she was highly intelligent, witty and that she had a large chip on her shoulder about the privately educated. Her discovery that he was a 'Westminster boy' as she had put it had led to many jibes in his direction. She seemed to think that attending a school that was effectively private, but with state funding, was more acceptable and he had pointed this out to her. She had laughed and said, "It's the principle Chuck."

He walked up to the pair now and the boy turned to him, green eyes assessing the threat, before holding out a hand "I'm Chris and I'm guessing you're the Westminster element she won't drop?" Chuck shook the hand and nodded "Guilty as charged I'm afraid, I'm Chuck Bass." Rose dismissed her companion and turned to him "So did you get in contact with your girlfriend?" Chuck looked at her non-plussed; she smiled "I heard you trying to get through to her at lunch time and in hall and during that student orientation talk." Chuck shook his head "No, I didn't manage" she raised an eyebrow at the expression on his face, "Someone in the doghouse?" He laughed and pointed to her drink "Same again and no, it's a long story." She smiled, "Well I've got all evening and I do like a good story." He bought them drinks and they sat down in a booth, "isn't your boyfriend going to get annoyed that you're leaving him?" he asked as they sat down. Her pale cheeks tinged pink "He's er, not my boyfriend." Chuck raised an eyebrow "Long story ginger?" she grimaced and nodded. "You first, you over privileged toffy-nosed boy."

He leant back against the leather of his seat and began to tell her, starting from the beginning of Sixth Form. As he spoke, the memories flooded back to him and she sat and listened, no judgement in her eyes, just intense interest:

"_You have to first understand that when we met I was as bad as it got, I'd never had a girlfriend, I just slept with every and any girl that took my fancy. I started the Lower Sixth; thinking I would get my token A-Levels, continue my life style and doss of to St Andrew because my father knows the Dean. She got me here, she has basically inspired me to take an interest in my studies, she has helped me through all of it, but it did not start off so amicably._

_Blair joined the school for Sixth Form and I remember walking into my first A-Level philosophy lesson and seeing her sitting next to a blonde girl and thinking 'right I'll have her by the weekend' and sitting down beside her. Then she opened her mouth and I realised it would be harder than that, she was formidable and I could tell she was not going to be another easy conquest, but somehow that made her all the more attractive. Over the first week, I began to speak to her, sat next to her in History and English. My God, she was clever and she knew how to have a good time, but she did not seem to want to let me in. Then that weekend I threw a party for the beginning of the year and I got, very, very high I don't remember much of that night, but I know I woke up the next morning, my hair smelling of vomit with her lying on the bed beside me. She was fully clothed and she left straight away with a smile and a 'see you on Monday Bass', but my best friend told me she had looked after me when I had overdone it. _

_We grew closer, she would come to my parties, I would get horrifically high and she would look after me, but she still refused my advances. So, I found myself doing more and more coke just to make her stay at night. The rumours started circulating and she kept away from me at school. Then after the first half term, she was cast as Juliet and I went to see her in her dressing room after the first performance. She had been avoiding me all week and seeing her on stage, she had been utterly breathtaking; I just had to see her. She was sitting in front of her mirror, her stage makeup was gone, but she still had the loose shift that she had worn in the final scene on. I remember her turning to me as I shut the door and just the look on her face told me I'd won (that was how it felt at the time) I remember turning the key in the lock as she stood and came towards me. That first time, in school, words cannot describe it, I do not think any other woman will compare to her. Of course, I had not realised then that it felt that good because I felt something more than physical attraction for her then, but I have now._

_Anyway, after the first time I told myself I'd drop her, I'd had what I wanted, but I couldn't seem to drag myself away. We found ourselves, doing it everywhere and anywhere, taking insane risks, but keeping it secret. We never actually said we were going out, but that was how we both saw it. At the same time though, I was getting myself deeper and deeper into the narcotics and she looked after me, but in my few lucid moments, I saw what it took out of her. We came here in June, spent a weekend, and she was hooked, I on the other hand could not see the point at the time. Then in late July, I did too much one night and ended up in hospital and the next morning I found myself single. She said she could not take it anymore._

_I cleaned up, I came back here once and I realised I wanted what she wanted too. So returning to Upper Sixth, I used her weakness when it came to me. She tutored me through the application and in the process we grew closer and eventually got back together. We have talked through last year, I think we are ok, but she did not get in and she has not told me yet. I've only found out from her best friend and as you would expect this weekend has proved particularly hard, so when she doesn't pick up on me I'm bound to worry."_

Chuck looked up from the dregs in his glass as he finished and saw that a frown had appeared on the pretty face in front of him. "So you're the reason she didn't get in then?" she asked in a slightly admonishing tone "My God she must love you." Chuck looked at her confusedly "I'm sorry, what?" Rose put her glass down on the wood "of the two of you, the clean, head-girl, actress who has the obvious intelligence to be here isn't and you, the ex-druggie, womanizing, naturally brilliant, but lazy one is here. She must have given everything to you and your relationship for her not to be here right now. So yes, you're the reason she didn't get in and you're honestly surprised that she's not told you?" Chuck gulped at the hostility he felt in her words, "I-uh-I have to go." He got up from the table and walked out of the pub into the cold night, his mind swimming.

Back in the pub, Chris joined Rose, putting a new drink down in front of her. "So why did posh-boy leave so soon?" he asked in a laughing tone. She replied in a slightly cold voice "He's just realised that he's ruined the woman he loves' dream and that she loves him too much to use it against him."

**Author's Note: Hello everyone! Sorry for leaving on such a knife edge last time, but I thought it was rather a fab way to end it. I've introduced a couple of OC's merely as literary tools this time round, they just helped me get Chuck to the point that I needed him to reach and I didn't think I could realistically get him to do that without a disinterested party joining the fray for a while...ANYWAY, tell me what you think, I'm loving the reviews!**


	12. Chapter 12

Blair felt a current of electricity running through her, she was still aware of the feelings that should be making her break down, but they did not seem to matter anymore she felt just so happy. When the calls had come through from Chuck she had ignored them, she didn't want anything to dampen the high that those two little pills had produced in her. As evening drew in, however, her euphoria started to ebb away and she felt the tendrils of those feelings start to creep around her. A call came through from Serena and she answered it without thinking:

"S?"

"Blair are you ok? I got a text from Chuck he says he hasn't been able to get through to you..."

Blair felt her stomach clench as she bit out the lie:

"Oh don't worry I had my phone off, I was just about to call him."

"B, do you want me to come over? Or do you want to go out or something? You don't sound too good..."

The phone shook in Blair's hand and without knowing why she did it, her finger moved to the red phone and cut the connection. She scrolled through her contacts, considering calling Chuck. Her finger rested over his name and then moved one up and pressed the call button.

###

Chuck didn't return to the college after he left the pub, he felt a sensation gnawing at his insides that he knew far too well. It was a hunger that he thought Blair had quenched in him. There it was, nevertheless, telling him that it would mean he could forget the guilt he now felt, he could forget the blossoming feeling in his heart that he really didn't want to admit. He reached the locked gates and sighed in annoyance, pulling a cigarette from his pocket and then lighting it with a pink thing that he'd had to buy. Smoke filled his lungs and quelled his nerves somewhat, but it was still there. He walked back in the direction of the college, taking his time, looking at everything and reminding himself why he didn't really want to obey this feeling.

He turned onto the street that led to the porters lodge and saw a couple outside the door. They had their arms around each other and as a car drew past them he saw the flash of gold from the girls hair. His steps brought him closer to them and he heard Rose say "It's not fair..." and heard the reply "I know and I'll end it as soon as we get back to London, but just give me some time." The two kissed and Chuck walked passed them and into the porters lodge. He paused when he reached the quad and sat down on the grass, taking out another cigarette and lighting up. His cloudy breath mingled with the smoke and he felt the cold start to penetrate his warm coat. Footsteps crunched on the gravel, passed him and then stopped.

She sat down beside him, saying nothing for a while. Then turning her head to him she said in what tried to be a sarcastic tone "I suppose a guy like you carries a hip flask around with him?" Chuck reached into his breast pocket wordlessly and passed her the silver bottle. She drank and nodded appreciatively "Good whiskey." Chuck took it off her, finally turning his dark gaze onto her as he drank he said "You don't know me, you think you've got me sussed. Posh-boy, typical drug habit because I have the money to do it and typical attitude towards women. You have no idea." She nodded in comprehension "That's true, I don't know you, but I do know what you've told me and I gave you my analogy based on that, regardless of your education or background. Judging by your current state I'd guess that I pretty much hit the nail right on the head." Chuck pulled another cigarette out of his pocket and lit it off the stub of his last one. She looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "So your a chain smoker now as well?"

He stood up then and looked down at her, "I need Blair, I don't need what body is craving right now, so yes I'm a chain smoker. It would appear to be better than being the 'other woman' to a guy who's obviously taking you for a ride." He turned his back on her and walked across the lawn to the entrance to the rooms. He went to his room, opening the door and collapsing onto his bed. He heard her struggling with her door and sighed in frustration. He got up from the bed and walked out into the corridor. She had slumped against the door, the key still in the lock. Chuck stepped over her and opened it, turning on his heel and walking quickly back into his own room.

###

"Blair Waldorf, what a pleasurable surprise. I must say I didn't expect to hear from you." Carter Baizen said, leaning back in a chair. Blair looked at him, the sinking feeling in her getting stronger, "I'm not going to sleep with you Baizen, I just need an escape route." The ex-student nodded at her "I'd heard about Bass finally getting you, though I must say I thought his line in narcotics was better than mine." Blair threw herself onto the sofa and shook her head "he's clean Carter, has been since the summer." He leant forward, pulling out a small bag from his pocket and tipping a small amount of powder onto the glass coffee table. He tapped out a couple of lines and stopped, looking up at her "You're sure about this?" She threw her hair over her shoulders and nodded "I might as well learn what was better than me for so long." She bent her head over the table and put a finger over one nostril. The powder flew up the rolled note and into her body. She changed hands and performed the same action again.

She lay back on the sofa and waited. It didn't take long. The room took on a new light, the electricity ran through her again and she lifted her head to look at Carter who had just finished performing the same action. "Feel better Waldorf?" he asked lazily, she sat up and smiled at him "So much better."

The next morning dawned grey and Blair awoke to find herself on a strange sofa, a blanket over her and a dead feeling inside. Carter put a cup of coffee down on the table in front of her and the scent wafted over to her. She sat up and he took the place that her head had been in. She pulled the mug towards her and looked at him. He smiled at her "Didn't work did it?" she looked at him perplexedly "it won't get rid of those feelings Waldorf and Bass will know that better than anyone else. God knows he tried to deaden all the feelings he had for you for long enough." She took a sip of the coffee and felt dizzy, lying back and resting her head in his lap. She closed her eyes "I gave up everything for him, I wanted to see what he head to give up." Carter looked down at her "Don't underestimate it Waldorf, you've only tried once. The next time it takes more of a hold over you and you begin searching for longer periods of oblivion. I don't think you've lost enough to want to be there now."

She sat up and looked at him again "Where's my phone?" He handed it to her and she dialled "Hello, National Rail Enquiries? Yes, when is the next train to Oxford?"

###

Chuck sat outside the English Don's office next to Rose, waiting to be summoned in for his first interview. The fear and the feeling of the night before had subsided and had been replaced by nervousness. His phone vibrated in his pocket and a message flashed up from Blair: _"I'm sorry, Good Luck, I love you." _He felt something warm flood his body, felt the nervousness ebb away and when the secretary came out to call him in he smiled at her in true Chuck Bass fashion.

There were two men and a woman sitting behind the table when he entered the room and he saw them glance down at the application in front of them. He sat down facing them and took a deep breath 'Blair loves me' he reminded himself and then he met the gaze of the woman in front of him. "Mr Bass, you're a student at Westminster School are you not?" Chuck nodded "that is correct." One of the elderly men looked up from his papers "So why Oxford? Why Christ Church?" Chuck remembered the set answer that he and Blair had come up with and then changed his mind. "Initially, to impress a girl," the three Don's looked in varying degrees of surprise and he continued "Then during the process of preparation, I realised that I wanted to achieve something for the first time in my academic career, not just to be able to get away with 'I'm Chuck Bass' as an entrance to everything. I had always enjoyed literature, it was the most innocent form of escapism I knew and it seemed to be what I could do well. A trip to Oxford in the summer showed me how much I loved it here and tea in Christ Church with a former Westminster boy settled me on here. I've put everything into getting here, I've even risked that girl that I started out to impress."

There was silence in the room and Chuck smiled at them in the knowledge that he had probably just ruined his chances of getting through to the second round of interviews let alone into the college. The woman turned a page and looked up at him "So, Wuthering Heights? What inspired that?"

Chuck left the room half an hour later with a smile on his face, he had done justice to Blair in more ways than one. The other answers that he had given had been impeccable. Rose looked up at him and smiled, but he didn't look at her, picking up his coat and walking out into the quad. He had the rest of the day free to do what he wanted and he cut across the quad to pick up his wallet before finding somewhere for lunch. He got to the corridor leading to his room and stopped as he saw a figure leaning against the wall. The woman had dark hair and a navy blue sailors coat on. He couldn't believe his eyes, but he recognised that coat, he had bought it for her. He walked up to her and fitted the key in the lock and opening before turning back to her. She looked warn and he recognised the symptoms of a crash taking place, but he chose to ignore it, holding his arms open to her. She almost fell into them and he covered her face in kisses.

She kept her eyes closed tightly and tilted her head up to his and their lips met. Blair knew then that no drug was going to solve her problems, she ignited as their mouths pressed together. She clung to him letting him and his body envelope her again. Chuck pulled his lips away from hers and she opened her eyes "Is it true?" he asked her, but the pain in her eyes showed that she didn't want to talk anymore. He took her hand and led her into his room, closing the door on reality once more and enclosing themselves in their own private world. She unbuttoned her coat and threw it over a chair and turning to him. She spoke for the first time "I needed you Chuck, so badly." He took a step towards her and took her hand. He ran his fingers up her arm, she was trembling and her vulnerability was palpable. He bent his lips to hers again and they moved towards the bed.

They undressed each other slowly, like children. He pulled back the covers on the single bed and they lay down together. Blair lay on her back and Chuck looked down at her, stroking her hair away from her face. Then slowly, he leant down and their lips connected. Their tongues danced together gently caressing one another. He moved over her and she opened her eyes as he entered her and he saw all those hidden emotions flooding her eyes. She smiled weakly at him and he saw the marks of the ravages from the night before. He saw her noticing his attention and she lifted her hands to his neck, pulling him deeper into her and pushing his penetrating eyes away.

Afterwards, she lay on his chest drawing circles on his skin with her fingers. "I've just had sex with my boyfriend in Christ Church college." She murmured as she placed her lips gently to his skin, making him shiver. Blair closed her eyes and listened to the sound of his heart beating, saying in an almost lazy voice "I didn't get in Chuck." He pressed his lips to the top of her head and murmured "I know."


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: I know this is a very fast update, but I've been in ill and I had very little else to do but recover and let my imagination run riots. I had to get the next chapter out before it left my head so here it is...it's not all doom and gloom but for the moment you'll have to put up with it for a bit, I promise you things will improve! As ever thank you for the reviews, you're all great and hope you like this...**

Blair was asleep on his chest, her breaths fluttered across his bare skin and he could see her eyes moving under her lids, she was dreaming. The cold, grey light shone in through the window and the rain started patter gently against it. The wind was blowing it against the glass in waves and he felt almost safe with her arms wrapped around him and the warmth of the covers over them. He stroked her dark hair, running his fingers through the gossamer strands. They had not spoken after she had told him, silence had pervaded the room and she would let herself drift off to sleep. But they needed to talk, he knew that all too well and he knew how hard it must be for her to be here, in this town, in this college, in this room.

He eased Blair off him and got out of the narrow bed, dressing himself and looking out the window at the dismal weather. He picked up the copy of his essay that was tucked inside Wuthering Heights and reread some of the opening passages. Phrases jumped out at him _"Heathcliff can achieve his own ends because he is overly confident of the love of Catherine...Heathcliff's true moment of epiphany comes when Catherine tells him that he and Edgar will kill her."_ Why had he been able to write this so well? It could not have been pure talent, there were truth in the words that he had used to analyse a fictional relationship. He dropped the essay back on his desk and looked over to the bed where Blair lay, dead to the world. Did she really love him or was it the product of desperation and loss that had made her say that to him?

There was a knock on his door and he went to answer it. Rose stood there a slightly nervous smile on her face; Chuck stepped out of the room and closed the door gently behind him. "We're through to the next round! We did it." Chuck felt himself smile and she continued, "Listen I'm sorry about last night, you're right, I'm in no position to judge and I don't know you. Can I make it up to you tonight with a drink?" Chuck hesitated and she jumped in before he could speak "you spoke last night without knowing the facts, at least let me redeem myself?" Chuck looked at her in interest "I make no judgement about you, I was in a bad place and I was unfair. You don't need to explain yourself to me." She smiled "Well then let me and Chris buy you a congratulatory dinner, we would like to get to know you." Chuck shook his head "I can't –"the door opened and Blair stood behind him. Her dress was on and her appearance was ostensibly perfect, but there was a look of such tired pain in her eyes. Chuck put an arm around her and Blair lifted her eyes to meet Rose's. Chuck kissed her temple "you should've stayed in bed love." Blair smiled weakly "Blair Waldorf" holding out her hand. Rose took it in a bit of a daze "Rose Linden – I'm sorry I didn't realise..." Chuck smiled at her "don't worry about it, listen I'll see you later. Congratulations." She turned away from the couple, a blush colouring her pale cheeks.

Chuck turned to Blair and lifted her chin so he could look at her properly. "Do you need more sleep, I know it feels dreadful –"Blair registered that he had probably guessed why she looked the way she did, of course he had. She shook her head and kissed him, throwing her arms around his neck, "Congratulations Bass" she whispered as they broke apart. He smiled down at her "Tea then, at Browns." He fetched their coats and her bag from his room and her umbrella, returning to see her gazing hopelessly at the Oxford crest on the window. He helped her on with her coat and she tore her gaze away. She did up the brass buttons without looking back at the coloured glass. They walked out into the quad and she kept her eyes on the wet gravel as they traversed the famous ground, not looking at any of the surrounding buildings. Her hand tightened on his arm as they passed the fountain in the middle and he only felt it relax when they had left the confines of the college.

"Where're you staying?" he asked her after they had turned onto the main street. She looked confused "I hadn't thought about it, I kind of just got on the train this morning. I did not think. I should've known how this would feel, I mean look at it all." She gestured at the rain soaked streets of Oxford, at the people walking past and at the students and potential students that were everywhere to be seen. They reached the restaurant and they passed under the warmth of the heater. Chuck helped her off with her coat and they were shown to a comfortable pair of sofas. They sat down and Chuck put an arm across the back of the sofa behind her, taking her hand with his other. He was finding it hard to work up the courage to broach the subject that was hanging over them, but she did it for them. "I suppose you were annoyed when you found out I'd been hiding it from you?" He laced his fingers with hers "perplexed would be a better word, maybe a little hurt, but not annoyed."

She looked up at him "I didn't do it to hurt you; I did it so you could have the best possible chance at this. It would've been selfish of me to distract you with my feelings at such an important time." The waiter arrived and they ordered tea, Chuck felt hungry for the first time that day, but something told him that Blair would not be eating. Once he had gone Chuck dropped his arm to Blair's shoulders and squeezed them, "do you honestly think this matters more to me than you do Waldorf?" She shook her head "No, but it did to me. I put everything into getting you here, I let myself fall for you again, I wasn't going to put my own feelings before that, I wanted the best for you and I needed so badly to be vindicated after failing myself." Chuck took a deep breath, she still was not saying it, and she was not telling him what they both knew to be true. He kissed her hair and almost choked out "I think you would be here if it hadn't been for me Blair." She shook her head vehemently "Don't be silly, that is not true. I – we – we – it worked two ways."

The tea, cakes and sandwiches arrived and Chuck leant forward to pour her a cup. Handing it to her, he held her gaze and shook his head slightly. "No, I screwed you up emotionally, you gave far more than I did, and all I gave was a bit of hard work. In return I get here and more importantly I get you." Blair let her eyes drop, she could not withstand the power of that penetrating gaze, he saw right through her now. She said nothing and he leant back into the soft sofa cushions again. "You know that girl who was at my door earlier?" Blair nodded her eyes on her cup. "Well, on the first evening here she opened my eyes to what I had done to you. I thought until then that you had not told me because you did not trust this to last or that you did not trust me enough. Blair how could you let me ruin your chances?" She looked up at him, her eyes filling with tears, her voice trembling with defeat and pain "because I love you Chuck."

Those three words had been said aloud now and they hung in the air between the couple. Blair blinked a few times and said in a stronger voice, "I didn't realise until I saw you off at the station, until then I had been in torment about why I seemed to be letting myself do this and then when I did realise, I wanted to find any way possible to avoid the fact." Chuck lifted a hand to her brow and pushed the hair back off it looking at her "and so this is why you're in the throes of a crash? You resorted to drugs to get me out of your head, I could've told you that it wouldn't have worked flower." The sinking feeling in Blair's stomach was still there and she smiled at him "It wasn't just escapism Chuck; I wanted to see what was better than me for eight months. I wanted to understand, but you see this feeling inside me, the one that floods me with depression, it is nowhere near as bad as what I would imagine loosing you would be like." Chuck dropped his hand from her brow and nodded in comprehension, his face was a mask of regret and Blair raised a hand to his cheek. "Don't for a minute think this is a reproach, I know what your family has done to you emotionally, I get why you were the way you were and why you probably can't say those words back to me, or even feel that way." Her hand dropped from his cheek and she lifted the cup to her lips and drank as the warm liquid ran down her throat she felt resolve come to her, there was only one obvious course of action now.

Chuck mimicked her actions; his own mind had jumped to the logical conclusion of their conversation as well. Blair put her cup back on the table and turned to him "The truth is, that I lost myself again this weekend and it was because of you. I need to take some time; I need separate the feelings for you from the inevitable pain that now comes with it. I don't want to feel so conflicted every time I'm with you or near you, I want it to be pure and I think you need to work out what it is that you feel too." Chuck nodded, but he felt a raw feeling of loss already "I can't let myself carry on doing this to you Blair." The door to the restaurant opened and a familiar redhead walked in with about five other people all laughing. Chuck sighed; "she seems to be a bad omen for us" Blair laughed as Rose noticed them and walked over. She stood awkwardly in front of them and smiled nervously "I was going to – erm – give this to you later but seeing as your here, they gave these out to the second rounders and I thought you'd want it as soon as possible. It's the poem for discussion – Christina Rossetti" Blair took the envelope from her hand and opened it, glancing through it quickly and smiling to herself. With a small nod of satisfaction and a look of sadness on her face, she stood up and bent to kiss Chuck on the cheek "I'll see you in London, Bass, good luck tomorrow." She dropped the piece of paper on the table and turned to Rose smiling "and good luck to you too," she leant forward, tears forming in her eyes and whispered in the girl's ear "take care of him."

Blair walked to the door of the restaurant and was helped on with her coat by an eager waiter. The door opened in a flurry of cold rain and wind and she was gone, disappearing into the crowds of umbrellas walking past the windows. Chuck looked up at the girl in front of him, his feelings, for once, evident on his face. She opened her mouth and then changed her mind and turned around and returned to her table. Chuck picked up the paper and reading its contents and understanding why Blair had smiled:

"_Remember me when I am gone away,_

_Gone far away into the silent land,_

_When you can no more hold me by the hand,_

_Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay._

_Remember me when no more day by day_

_You tell me of our future that you planned;_

_Only remember me; you understand_

_It will be late then to counsel or to pray._

_Yet if you should forget me for a while_

_And afterwards remember, do not grieve;_

_For if the darkness and corruption leave_

_A vestige of the thoughts that I once had,_

_Better by far you should forget and smile_

_Than that you should remember and be sad."_

Chuck read and reread the poem, his tea going cold and the restaurant slowly emptying around him. Eventually he felt a tap on his shoulder and he looked up to see Rose standing there "Come on, let's get you a drink. I think even a posh-boy needs comforting every now and again." He stood up, folding the poem into his pocket and following her to the coat stand where he put his own coat on. He stopped for a moment in the doorway checking his messages, there were a few from Nate a couple from various other people and just as he was putting it away a new message from Blair flashed up: _"How I feel won't change Chuck, but thank you for letting me go. Take care, Bx" _He smiled, she was right of course, but it did not stop him feeling as if he had lost everything that afternoon. He took a deep breath and followed her out into the cold December twilight that was descending over Oxford. Something had to go right for him, it just had to, he turned to Rose who was waiting for him and his eyes were cold. "I'm sorry, but I think I'll leave you for tonight, I have an interview to prepare for." She frowned at him, but he turned on his heal and walked off in the direction of the college, his cold footsteps growing fainter as he receded from her.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello everyone! I know it has been an age since I updated but I have been in the States and had a great time! Here we go...I hope you like it, I warn you I am a bit rusty, I will hopefully update more regularly now! Reviews are, as ever, very welcome!**

"It's clear what she is saying. She would rather be forgotten than remembered negatively or cause pain as a result of her absence. I do not agree though, I think that no memory is completely tainted; Rossetti cannot just expect a memory to leave a person. The pain is as much the person as the pleasure and that identity is of the upmost importance. So, as noble as the sentiment is, I would say it was too naive. Literature should not be naivety it should be reality, or pure fantasy. The emotions should be credible at the very least." Chuck put his notebook back on the table and looked up at the board of interviewers, who were sitting in silence. The professor of English wrote something on his pad and looked up "thank you Mr Bass that will be all."

Chuck stood up and left without another word. He walked straight passed the quad and picked up his bag in the porters lodge, wanting to leave it all for his brain to deal with at another time. The train back to London was a blur, Blair's face being the only clear thing in his mind. When he got off the train at Paddington Nate met him with a pitying smile and said the only words that he needed to hear "let's go and get drunk."

_2 weeks later_

The match flared up and illuminated the pink of his hand cupped around it. The flame flickered in his hand as he lifted it to the end of the cigarette in his mouth and lit it. The tip glowed red and the flame guttered and went out as he shook the match. The door to the bar opened and a waitress placed his drink on the table in front of him, the ice clinking in the golden liquid. Chuck's dark eyes remained fixed on the traffic running up towards Hyde Park and the waitress turned her back on him in disgust. Cars rushed past, lights flitting in and out of his vision. Only when a car with a dark haired girl in the passenger seat, stopped at the red light did he show any sign of life, but even then, it was merely the slight tilting of his head.

The early snowfall had typically turned to slush under the trampling feet of the London commuter and on this the penultimate night before Christmas holidays; there was no feeling of festivity in Chuck Bass' mind. He was avoiding the inevitable, trying to resist the pull back towards school where she was performing in the last performance of the season. After two weeks of quiet sadness and avoidance of each other, he had finally cracked the day before yesterday. Managing to get by without her had suddenly become impossible for him, he could not do it.

This feeling had become so heightened that afternoon when he had been heading for the library and had seen her up ahead of him. She had continued past the library and up the corridor towards the theatre. He did not follow at first, going into the library and returning some books and browsing the shelves. His eyes fell on a copy of 'Wuthering Heights' and he picked it up, it fell open on a page and his grip tightened on it as he saw the feint pencil annotations that he recognized so well. Her handwriting from the lessons that they had done together, she had underlined a passage and he reread it, feeling a jigsaw piece fall into place as the words rushed over him. _"So he shall never know how I love him and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am." _He closed the book and put it back on the shelf, walking slowly out of the library and up to the theatre. He climbed the stairs to the upper gallery and entered the dark of the theatre.

The stage was flood lit and she stood there with Dan Humphrey facing her. Her hair was permeated by sparkling beads and her soft floating costume made her look ethereal. Blair's voice was ringing out and he leant back against the lighting box and just listened to her. The Christmas performances were starting tomorrow and he knew that going to it would be too much like a year ago. He let himself relax and allowed his thoughts to wonder, just listening for the sound of her voice. Blair had seen him come in and she could not help the smile that came to her face.

The dress rehearsal finished late and by then she had become so caught up in the play that she had forgotten about him. Then as she returned to her dressing room to take off the costume, she remembered he had been there and smiled at herself in the mirror. She took off the royal blue dress and hung it next to her other costumes. She pulled on her uniform and sat in front of her mirror, pulling the hair clips out of her hair.

There was a soft knock on her door and she shouted out "Humphrey go away!" The door opened and Chuck walked in, a nervous smile on his lips. He left the door open, careful to keep themselves public and he walked towards her. She turned to him and gestured to the chair beside hers, he sat down and she continued to pull pins out of her hair. "It's looking good Blair," he said in a hesitant voice. She turned her head slightly towards him and a smile flitted across her lips "it'll be better on the night, if you'll come?" She had placed an offer on the table and he hesitated "I don't know, it may be a little too nostalgic." Her hands curved around the back of her head attempting to get the last clips out, but she missed some. He got up and pulled her hands away from her hair. He took the last sparkling clasp out gently, his fingers brushing the nape of her neck just before her hair fell to cover it. Her breath caught in her throat and he heard it. She stood up quickly and he took a quick step back from her. She bent to retrieve her bag and left the room quickly, leaving a faint trace of her perfume and Chuck with his memories.

Chuck stared at the bottom of the glass, which had now been drained and then glanced at his watch. It was 11 and he knew the performance would be over and that she would be heading to the after party with the cast and all their friends. The thought made him feel sick. He needed some indication that she was on her way to getting round those barriers that had been so insuperable in Oxford. He just needed her back, needed to tell her about how he'd done, needed her to envelop him with her smile and needed to feel her in his arms again. His feelings were clear to him, in truth they had been for a long time, but he had done is upmost to avoid them. That gnawing sensation had been dulled first by narcotics then by the biting ambition that she had inspired and was still inspiring in him. He did not know, yet, if he could bring himself to voice that feeling, but that he was aware of and admitted it to himself was progress.

He was about to order another drink when his phone buzzed, he put it to his ear and listened. That voice travelled through the airways and went straight to his heart.

"Where are you?"

"The Ritz bar."

"I'm coming to get you...stay there."

The line went dead and he gripped the phone. She was not at a party, she was not enjoying herself without him, she was coming to get him and she had sounded happy about it. The car drew up by the Hotel not long after and she got out, a red coat that had no associations for him, around her shoulders. She had not worn anything that held any sentimental value since Oxford and he knew that this was not a good sign. She bent and said something to the driver before turning towards him, the remnants of her stage makeup remained on her face. The glitter of her fairy incarnation still sparkled around her eyes, which made them look even bigger and more alluring to him. She sat down by him and smiled gently. "Shall we go in, its freezing out here...I take it you still have your suite?" Chuck did a double take, before realising that the request had been completely innocent, he nodded and they walked inside.

###

Blair threw her coat over the back of a chair and shook her hair out of the hat that kept it up, before sitting down at the bar in Chuck's suite. He poured her a drink and sat down opposite her, the bar between them. He was finding it hard not to be intoxicated by her. Everything she did had gained a new significance for him. She smiled at him again, becoming more confident. She began to speak as if they were continuing a conversation "I didn't want to end the term on a low, it just seemed so wrong, so when you couldn't make the play I thought I'd come to you." He glanced up at her "I'm sorry, I just couldn't." Her smile did not waver and she nodded "I know, we need new memories and experiences. That particular memory, no matter how pleasant wouldn't have helped either of us." He smirked and she laughed as a glow of red tinged her cheeks. "One thing I do have to bring up though is going to hurt, but my curiosity cannot stand the suspense: how did it go? Nate said well, but I never can be sure he's completely with it."

Chuck smiled and refilled their glasses, "it went more than well I'm afraid. I could bullshit, but you know that is not my way. They asked all the questions that I had prepped and on top of that I answered a few that they didn't ask, in my presentation." Blair nodded "just as I had expected, of course" her voice was tense but the smile remained fixed. Chuck looked at the shiny wood of the bar and asked her the blunt question "Why're you really here Blair?" She rested her fingers on his and murmured, "It just became too painful not to see you and well, a party isn't a party without Chuck Bass." She got off her stool and retrieved an envelope from her bag. She placed it in front of him, she sat back down and caught his eye. "Open it." He did as ordered and retrieved a set of tickets, he read the destination "Grenoble?" She took them out of his hand and placed them back in the envelope as she began to speak. "I want you to think about this, but Serena, Nate and I fly on the same day. They think this is a bad idea, but I am asking you to come with us for Christmas. Skiing, snow, freedom and I hope some new memories for us. It may seem sudden and an odd suggestion given the circumstances, but it could do us good. Mother and father have given us the chalet for the fortnight." She stood up and put on her coat, "just think about it Chuck, I'll understand either way."

Chuck realised that she was going and looked up from the paper in desperation. "Leaving Waldorf?" he asked in an almost normal drawl. She nodded and moved to the door, "not really a good idea for me to stay is it?" She looked around taking in the coffee table that had the residue of bad memories still lying on it and shuddered slightly. Chuck smiled at her "No you're right, I'll see you tomorrow Blair." She nodded and walked out, the door closing quietly on her. Chuck picked up the envelope and placed it in his breast pocket before picking up the phone on the bar and calling the reception. "Hello, its Chuck bass in the penthouse suite. Yes, I'd like to give up the rooms." Blair was right, bad memories needed to go.


	15. Chapter 15

**Authors Note: Here we go folks, another instalment, I hope you like it. As ever, thanks so much for the reviews, I'm loving every single one of them! Enjoy...**

A drop of water ran down the glass of the window that Blair was standing at. She watched it as it traversed its way down the cold pain. The view beyond the droplet was brightly glittering in the cold winter sunlight. The quad of her school was covered in yet another layer of snow and the trees were scintillating in the cold sunbeams. She caught the droplet on her finger and let the cold water run into her palm. Serena's voice brought her out of her reverie "I still think it's a bad idea B." She closed her open palm and rubbed the water into her skin. "I know you think it's a bad idea, you've said that repeatedly, but really S I think I should at least try and salvage this. We don't even know if he'll come." Serena got up off the desk she was perching on and crossed the room to stand beside Blair "Salvage? Really, I do not think you are even ready to bring him back into your life. You're still a wreck B, the way you were that night when you got back from Oxford – well it just doesn't bare thinking about."

Blair ignored the last part and turned back to the window where a distinctive dark head was crossing the quad towards their building. She kept her eyes on his figure and answered "wreck I might be Serena, but I'm getting better and a decent relationship with him would improve me no end." Serena followed her line of sight and shook her head again "Fine, but don't bring him into close contact with you for two weeks. You were not even together for that long... I just don't understand how you can feel this way." Blair looked at her friend "oh it'd been going on for a lot longer than that S." Serena looked up in surprise but the door opened and Nate strolled in, noticeably lacking the companion he had been seen with through the window. Blair bent and retrieved her bag from the floor, an ill-hidden look of disappointment in her eyes. Nate raised an eyebrow at her "leaving so soon Waldorf?" She nodded "I've got to see the cast about last night, see you later Archibald." She turned and glanced at Serena before walking out.

The blonde turned to her companion "how long were they actually together Nate?" He closed his eyes and sighed, "A year, give or take a few weeks. Nobody knew anything about it, not even me. I only found out when he turned up at my door last summer, telling me that he had to see my uncle about getting off drugs. He looked almost suicidal, but I do not think ever so determined. Of course I wanted to know why and he was in such a state of withdrawal from both her and the dope that he spilt it all." Serena shook her head "I just don't understand it and I still think this whole thing is a terrible idea." Nate nodded "don't even try to understand them S; inside their heads is not somewhere I'd ever want to go. I'm not sure he'll come though, by the sounds of things, he's realised the implications if he comes."

Serena shrugged and was about to speak when the door opened and Chuck walked in followed by an English teacher. "All I'm saying Charles is that I'd think carefully about how I prepare myself for the news, results are out in January so I'd try not to think too much about it if I were you." Chuck nodded and glanced up at the two who were looking sheepish. His dark eyes assessed the situation and drew the correct conclusion. He turned his back on them and answered, "of course sir, my plans for Christmas are somewhat fluid at the moment, but I will be in town for the beginning of term. I have no expectations, but I know how I felt about the process." The teacher turned to Nate and Serena "Mr Archibald, Miss Van der Woodsen, I do believe the end of term assembly has started so if you wouldn't mind..." The two got the hint and left Chuck to his business.

###

Chuck left school later than the rest of the students that evening, the winter night had already started to descend and it was dark. He found himself not wanting to get home quickly; it was not the pleasantest of places for him. Instead, he walked past all the lighted shops for Christmas and the commuters rushing to get home. His breath crystallized in front of him and he felt his nose gradually begin to go numb, but he needed to think. Was he going to take Blair up on her offer? He knew all too well what could happen if he did and the part of him that yearned for her physically screamed at him to do it. The rational side of him, the one that loved her, knew that this happening could mean that they lost any hope of something more permanent. That was the rational reason that he should not go, not the reasons that Serena and Nate had given him with only the knowledge of half the facts.

As he walked past a lighted shoe shop, he saw a face that he recognised bending over a pair of shoes. He stopped at the shop window and gazed in, she straightened up and saw him and a smile crossed her face. She left the shop and met him "Chuck Bass as I live and breathe, I did not expect to see you ever again!" Chuck smiled at the redhead and nodded "likewise I'm afraid, but there you go. How are you Rose?" She laughed, "I'm fine, I can't complain really, how about you? Last time I saw you, it wasn't exactly merriment and laughter in your life." He grimaced "it still isn't, but I get by. Listen, can I buy you a drink, to apologise for leaving so rudely in Oxford?" She smiled "need another impartial ear?" He nodded and laughed, "So badly, I know a place round the corner."

The pub was warm and full of people; they found a booth and sat down. There was a brief silence as they both took their first sips, but then she looked up at him and smiled "so go on, what's been happening?" Chuck leant back and examined his hands closely "You know she left me, you were there for Christ's sake. I am not going to lie, it has been hellish, and I have had almost no contact with her. We both went cold turkey and then the other day, I do not know what possessed me, I went to see her in her dressing room after her rehearsal and she just looked at me and left. Then yesterday after her final performance, she skips the cast party and shows up at my hotel with tickets for a flight and two weeks in the Alps skiing. She said we need new experiences, ones that we do not associate with, well before. I just do not see how we can separate them though, it is who we are, it is what has defined us and we cannot just obliterate it. If we do not do that though, then I do not see how we can ever be together." He lifted his drink to his lips and she stared at him in disbelief "nothing is ever simple in your lives is it? The problem is, I take it, that you love her and don't deny it, she loves you, but you can't put your egos, ambitions or the past behind you and just be."

Chuck shook his head, "no, the problem is that I don't know whether I should go or not." Rose snorted into her drink "don't be foolish, that's just a symptom of what I just said. You are not admitting to yourself that there is a division. You clung onto her in your junky days, true, but now that you are successful, you are finding it hard to make the call. Think about it Bass, what will you do if you get into Oxford in January, would you even be prepared to give it up, because you know how much pain it caused her to get you there?" Chuck could not speak he just stared at his hands in silent shock. "The issue arises from that, now if you think you can make that division then go, enjoy it, try and salvage it. If you know, you cannot then do not go, make a clean break and try to admit to yourself that in this instance your ambition has in the way. That girl deserves a clean break, she's sacrificed enough." Chuck looked at her and took a deep breath "when I kiss someone that isn't her; I feel nothing, when I see a pretty girl on the street I don't even think about them in that way, I could make a move on you right now and it would mean nothing, because no-one else is her. I do need this and I know she'd never ask me to give up Oxford, she said herself that she didn't want to see me fail..." Rose slammed her glass down on the table in frustration "and is you with her anymore? No. Did you leave Oxford when she left you? No. Have you replaced drugs with ruthless ambition? Yes. You keep finding reasons not to admit to yourself or her how you actually feel, stop running and be honest with yourself." She stood up, leaving her glass half-full, "get that plane for the right reasons Bass, and if it's not for the right reasons then be decent and get drunk tonight, anything that means that you won't wake up in time to get on the plane." She turned to leave but paused "and if you do the right thing, call me. It'd be nice to have a drink without giving you the home truths." She smiled and walked out.

Chuck got up and walked to the bar, handing his hipflask to the barman. "Fill it." He paid and walked out into the cold air, letting it eat into him. Once again, he had a decision to make and he did not like how hard it was. He found himself walking down to the banks of the Thames and meandering along, taking swigs and looking at the lights of the Southbank. He reached the Millennium footbridge and crossed to the middle. He stopped and gazed over at the Tate Modern. There was a figure leaning against the railings on the bank of the river, a glowing red tip being moved to and from its mouth. It was too dark to make out the colour of its coat, but he could hazard a guess that it was red. He knew the lines of that body too well not to know that she was there at her old spot, watching the river flow by. He stood there watching her as long as she remained stationary. After a while, she looked up from the flowing water and turned her back on him, pulling out a phone and putting it to her ear as she walked away from him. He felt himself being pulled towards her, felt the magnetism of their beings and felt physical pain as he turned back to St Pauls and walked away.

###

Heathrow airport was heaving the next morning; people were rushing to get their flights out of the country for Christmas. Blair stood gazing up at the departure boards and watched the clock tick closer to boarding time. She sighed and walked through to security, there had been nothing from Chuck, no sign that he had come and no word at all. As her bag was scanned and she went through to the first class lounge she felt a sinking feeling. Serena and Nate stood to greet her with smiles, but hers took an effort to sustain. What was their opportunity to start over seemed to be slipping away the nearer to boarding that the plane got. A small voice in her head was starting to say to her "it's over, he realised he doesn't want you" and she was finding it very hard to stop that voice from growing louder and louder. She sat down with her friends and took a sip of the drink that was in front of her, suddenly feeling a desperate need to smoke, anything to just get out of there.

The call for boarding rang out around the terminal and Blair felt herself beginning to crack internally. She stood and walked towards the women at the gates, blindly staring straight ahead and almost ran down the access tunnel to the flight. She found her seat and sat down, gazing determinedly out of the window. The tears started to gather at the edges of her eyes and when someone filled the seat beside her, she did not look around, hell bent on not showing her weakness to anyone. Chuck Bass had cut himself from her life and as the plane taxied to the runway, she closed her eyes in a desperate attempt to block him out for good. The plane shot up into the air and sleep crept up on her, but no escape presented itself for her. The dream that rolled up was full of him, his face, his touch, his warmth, his smell.


	16. Chapter 16

Chuck woke that morning and looked beside him to the pale imitation of Blair that lay beside him. She had seemed a lot more like her after half a bottle of scotch. He felt the overwhelming feeling of nausea and guilt roll over him and groaned in disgust. Why had he done that? It just seemed so predictable and pathetic to him now, but last night he had needed someone to hold him and make him feel like he could let go. It hadn't worked. He had known it hadn't worked when he'd cried out her name, with her face in his mind. He lifted his wrist and examined his watch, it was 5:30 am, if he left in half an hour he could get the flight, it'd be tight but he could do it. He stared at the ceiling having an internal battle when a voice broke into his thoughts "you love her don't you?" Chuck turned his head to the girl who was gazing at the photograph of the pair of them lying on his bedside table. He sat up swiftly and jumped out of bed, pulling clothes out of a drawer and murmured, more to himself, "Yes, I do, more than anything." His head was pounding with dehydration, his heart was pulsing and his movements were groggy, but he had never had such a moment of clarity about anything before. He grabbed his phone off the table, dashed to the door and was already calling a driver when he turned to the girl on the bed and smiled "thank you."

###

Blair couldn't have been in a happier place, she was flying out for two weeks of solitude with the person she loved. She had her head resting on his shoulder, his smell enveloped her and his warm arm was holding her to him. She could feel the vibration of the plane in her seat and it lulled her into a deeper sleep. A sleep that brought with it sweeter dreams of what was to come. His arm tightened around her and she moved closer into him in her sleep sodden state she knew it couldn't get much better than this.

The warm feeling of contentment started to ebb when she realised it was a dream, a vivid one, but nevertheless, a dream. Somewhere the reality of consciousness reminded her that she was sitting next to a stranger and that her head was actually resting against the Perspex of the plane window. She kept her eyes shut tight, not willing to let the dream slip away from her, not wanting to open her eyes to the reality of his absence and rejection. Let this dream last a little longer, what harm could it do?

###

Chuck ran, for the first time in his life, through the terminal gasping as he got to security and was fast-tracked through. He ran, again, towards the first class boarding gate, seeing Nate and Serena standing by the gate, looking worriedly at a receding figure. He stopped abruptly, was this the right thing to do? He wavered, not seeing Blair made the reasons against doing this come flowing back to him, then the decision was taken out of his hands. The voice rang out around the terminal "would Mr Charles Bass please come to boarding gate 8, as the plane is about to leave." Serena turned and saw him, a look of shock on her face. Chuck gulped and walked forward to the pair "Blair?" he gasped out. Nate pointed down the access tunnel "she didn't think you'd show." Chuck grimaced "I almost didn't." Serena raised an eyebrow, but kept her mouth shut as the three walked forward to the two women on the gate.

Chuck entered the plane and saw her straightaway, head turned towards the window, hidden from sight. Nate nudged him in the direction of the empty seat and Chuck felt himself being pulled without any help. She didn't look round when he sat down and he couldn't bring himself to say anything to her. Then when the plane took off and she still had said nothing he leant forward and looked at her. Those fierce eyes were shut tight and her hands were clenched in her lap, but she was clearly asleep. He turned to Nate who was across the aisle and shrugged. He took one of the clenched fists in his hand and gently prized it open, repeating the action with her other hand. It seemed by doing that he released the tension in the rest of her body and she flopped sideways onto him. He put an arm around her and breathed her in, screw what happened when she woke up, he needed to hold her here and now. Nate touched his elbow and he turned his head to speak to him. "Why did you change your mind?" Chuck smiled gently and kissed the top of her sleeping head "it was too hard not to. I figured that you have to stop resisting the inevitable at some point."

He lifted his free hand and stroked her cheek, brushing his lips on her forehead and murmuring so no one could hear, "this is going to be hard flower, but we'll get through, because I love you." He turned his head back to Nate and smirked "so I don't actually have any clothes with me." Nate laughed in disbelief, "it was that last minute was it?" Chuck nodded "I'd rather not explain how I decided, but yes I was out the door 10 minutes later." Nate nodded in comprehension and looked out his window where the white caps of the Alps were coming into sight, "I'd recommend making her aware of your presence before we land." Chuck nodded and looked down at her sleeping face again, gently tilting her into her own seat and taking one of her hands in his.

###

"Blair," a soft voice murmured in her ear, warm breath tickled her neck. "Blair, we're going to land soon," she knew that voice, that smell. "Blair, open your eyes," she kept them tight shut, this dream was going to last as long as she could possibly make it. Her hand was squeezed again "Waldorf, don't make me get an attendant to splash water in your face." Even the playfully mocking tone was familiar, but it couldn't be. She felt the layers of sleep dropping off and consciousness gradually creep in. "Waldorf, I will do it." She opened her eyes and saw those intensely dark orbs looking at her. She was still dreaming, had to be, because Chuck Bass' face was in front of her and his hands were holding hers. She tightened her grip to make sure it was real and murmured his name "Chuck?" That smirk appeared on his face and he spoke softly into her ear "that's the one Waldorf."

She drew back from him and the look of her face was so utterly conflicted as to whether it should show anger or joy that he laughed. He couldn't help himself, he felt it bubble up and at that her face broke into a smile and she laughed with him. Chuck could see the vestiges of tears left on her cheeks and it brought a stab of guilt to him, but he knew she wouldn't want him to notice. Their eyes remained locked on one another and the laughter ebbed away leaving a sober looking Blair. She smiled gently "you came." Chuck nodded and stroked her hand with his thumb, "How could I not?" She smiled sardonically "Well you had me fooled." Chuck grimaced "Waldorf, you knew that one way or another I'd get there, deep down, you knew. I am sorry for making it so dramatic though." She smiled and he lifted her hand to his lips, brushing them gently against the soft skin.

The seat belt light flicked on and they both felt a lurch as the plane started to descend towards the small airport of Grenoble. Blair leant back in her seat, gently pulling her hand out of his on the pretext of refastening her seatbelt. She turned her head to the window and her face fell again, "It hurt though Bass – no word, nothing?" Chuck nodded "We'll talk later Blair, all that matters now is that I'm here and that I made the right choice." She continued to gaze out of the window, squinting out at the land below, as it grew closer. As the ground flew up to meet them, she grabbed the armrest involuntarily. Her hand met his and she gripped it hard as the plane bounced on the runway "yes you did" she smiled at him.

###

The bright light of the sunlight reflecting on the snow almost blinded them as they ran from the helicopter towards the safety of the landing station. They walked out to the small group of chalet's perching on the side of the mountain and Blair found herself as breathless as she always was when met with the sight of such a blue sky and such icy white. Serena and Nate ran up to the Waldorf chalet and Chuck followed at a slower pace, but Blair remained stock-still breathing in the fresh, freezing air and taking it in. She walked away from the group of wooden houses and out onto the plateau of snow that banked up behind the station. The mountain range stood out clearly against the sky, the ethereal silence enveloping her. She could see the helicopter take off again and breathed a sigh as she felt reality leave, only skis and a cable car could get them back to civilization now.

Chuck stopped when he heard no footsteps following him and turned to see her figure cut out against the shocking light of the scenery. The cold breeze lifted her hair and blew it away from her face; her slim figure was bathed with the glow that only the freshest air could bring. At that moment, he knew that he had done the right thing, at that moment he knew just how much she meant to him, that yes he would give up anything for her, just as she had done for him. His feet crunched on the fresh powder as he walked towards her. She didn't seem to hear him, but her head turned when he put a hand on her arm. The human element returned as he felt her shivering and he put an arm around her shoulders. "Waldorf you'll freeze, let's get you some snow clothes on." She smiled and nodded, but stopped him as he tried to walk her away by placing a hand on his. "Chuck, if we're going to get around everything anywhere, it'll be here. Nothing can get to us." She turned to him keeping her hand on his and looked up at him smiling. "This time is ours." He wanted to kiss her so much it actually ached not to do anything, but he glanced down at her and saw that it was too soon. He had to wait for her signal now, follow her lead. She put her cold hands on his neck and turned his gaze to hers. She reached up and placed the lightest of pressures on his lips with her own.

###

Chuck emerged from the shower into his room in a towelling robe and remembered for the first time since they'd arrived that he didn't have any clothes with him at all, given that he had thoroughly soaked the clothes he came in during the day. He padded out into the living room expecting to find Nate, but was greeted by the back of Blair's head. She was leaning back on the sofa gazing lazily into the fire in the middle of the room, a glass of wine in hand. Chuck cleared his throat and she turned her head slightly, "what's up?" He stayed put "Where's Nate? I need to borrow some clothes." Blair turned and looked at him in surprise, taking in the towelling robe in one swift glance and quickly turning back to the fire. "Nate's taken the bubble into the town, something about wanting oysters for dinner rather than what the maid's preparing. If you ask me he's out on the pull." Chuck stayed rooted to the spot "Ah." There was an awkward silence and then she broke it "Chuck why don't you have any clothes?" He steeled himself for the sight of her face and walked round to sit on one of the sofas, which was perpendicular to hers. "I really did decide to come at the last minute. I ran out the door with my phone, wallet and what I had on."

Blair's face was lazily content; it looked as if she couldn't be bothered to be inquisitive. The glass made another trip to her mouth again before she spoke, "There're some spare clothes kept in the wardrobe in your room, I'd call home and get them to fly your case out if I were you." Her voice was languid and Chuck found himself examining her face for some form of negative emotion, but she only seemed to be tired, it was true she'd skied off at a pace none of them could match that day. He stood up and circled around the fire to get back to his room. Blair picked up the book that had been lying on the table and began reading it again. The feelings of lethargy were real; she was exhausted, but not just physically. Her emotions had taken such an overhaul that to come to a neutral place was so pleasant.

She felt a weight descend onto the sofa beside her and felt his presence before she looked up from her page. He was wearing a deep blue pair of pyjama bottoms and a white t-shirt; it was a Chuck Bass she'd never seen before. There was not silk dressing gown or any hint of a scarf. She smiled at him and he raised a sceptical eyebrow "I feel underdressed Waldorf, as high quality as these clothes are, they're definitely what I'd call casual." She appraised him, her eyes travelling from his face down and smiled "you look relaxed Bass, go with it." He leant over and gently took the book out of her hands turning the cover so he could read it. "Seriously, Waldorf? The bell jar? Does it get more macabre?" She laughed "not really no, but I wanted to know what sort of mind created poetry like that and I hadn't read it. Don't knock it until you've tried it!" She fixed her eyes on the fire and exhaled gently, "there really is nothing like hurling yourself down a steep slope for clearing the head you know."

Chuck moved closer to her and tentatively touched her bare arm "it won't be instant you know that. I think we shouldn't expect to be here and instantly forget, that would be foolish, I also don't think that forgetting is the key here." Blair smiled and looked at him "I realised that, the crap is as much part of us as the good and we can't avoid it. We do have to rationalize it though, because I still don't feel like this works." She lifted his hand to her lips "of course this" she placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist "will always work, but I don't think that it should be the only string that ties us together do you?" Chuck pulled her onto his lap and she lay back against his chest, feeling his warmth and the heartbeat she treasured so much. He bent his head to her ear and murmured into it "you know full well that it will never be the only string that ties us together, it's just the only one that won't come under strain." Blair smiled and moved further into his embrace, closing her eyes lazily.

When Serena and Nate walked in later that night, they found the fire burning low and the couple lying in each other's arms, dead to the world. They were almost childlike in the way they clung to each other. Serena sighed, "This is such a mistake." Nate shrugged and pulled a blanket out of a cupboard, putting it over them. "Leave them to it S; it's pretty much inevitable anyway."


	17. Chapter 17

**Authors Note – Here we go, sorry its taken such an age, I've been having trouble getting to the point that I want to reach, but we're getting there! Hope you enjoy...**

"Don't stop yourself from looking down. That is the biggest mistake you could make. Swallow the fear and take in what you have to do. Otherwise, you'll hit something unexpected and fall."

The ski guide stood at the top of the steep and narrow decline with the four. Chuck felt his insides knot as he saw the twists and turns that he knew would be incredibly hard to navigate. Nate voiced his and the others fears,

"Are you sure we're up to doing this Pierre, I mean it looks pretty deadly."

To Chuck's surprise it was Blair who replied with a determined tone that he knew very well,

"Don't be a coward Archibald, it'll be fine. Just do what Pierre says."

The ski guide nodded in agreement "There's no danger if you don't start with the expectation of falling. If Miss Waldorf starts we can follow her down."

Blair's eyes flicked to Chuck and she saw the hesitancy in his expression. She shook her head in an exasperated way and launched herself down the slope, flying past the black poles that marked out her course. Chuck saw her figure moving smoothly and gracefully down the course until she encountered a steep bend and disappeared. Serena remained unconvinced,

"I'm taking the red run down Pierre, it's Suisse for god's sake, and I can't do it. The hardest black run on our first day of skiing? No thanks. Nate, Chuck come with me?"

Nate nodded and turned to the less steep of the two runs, Serena followed him with a look of obvious relief on her face. Chuck remained where he was and looked at Pierre who nodded in encouragement.

"I wouldn't let you do it if I didn't think you could. Just throw yourself into it and stop your brain interfering."

Chuck nodded and took a deep breath as he pushed himself forward and off the safely of the flat ground. His skis bit into the snow and the lack of friction and the pull of gravity took hold. He was flying and it felt as though the two pieces of fibreglass attached to his feet were an extension of himself as gut instinct kicked in and all his fear ebbed away. He could see patches of ice, the narrowness, how steep it was getting, but none of it seemed like that much of an obstacle anymore. He whipped round the corner where Blair had disappeared and flew down the narrow path onto a wider stretch of steep descent. He let himself catch some breath, steering in smooth turns and he could look down. He saw her deep blue ski jacket sticking out against the bright white of the snow far below. He saw as she tucked up for a jump over a bump and into the last and steepest slope of the course. She landed it perfectly and flew away from his sight.

The ski instructor caught up with him and smiled. "Just let it go Chuck, no holding back."

Chuck nodded and turned his skis parallel, letting gravity take hold properly. The snow whipped up behind him and he raced down to the fast approaching jump. It arrived quicker than he had anticipated and he braced himself for the hump. His skis left the ground and he felt himself fly through the air. The skis hit the soft powder and he let out the breath that he hadn't realised that he'd held and felt himself being pulled down to a waiting navy blue figure.

Blair had finished the run and waited for Pierre to come down, expecting that the others would have taken the easy route down. She kicked off her skis and turned to look back up the mountain that she had sped down. She saw him. Blair felt her heart clench, for some reason the fact that he had dared to do it made her incredibly happy. She saw him fly into the air and land the jump better than she had herself. He was rushing towards her and she had eyes only for him, oblivious to the instructor who was following him down.

Waking up on the sofa, that morning had been slightly awkward for them. She had found herself entwined with him, in such close contact that it took her a few seconds to start breathing again. He had been asleep, a slight frown creasing his brow as he slept. She never saw him without some form of weight on his back – even when in a drug enduced stupor he had always had that small frown on his face. She had looked at him for some time as the cold bright sun rose over the mountain. Then she had realised what she was doing and tried to get up. She had not managed, however, to extricate herself without waking him. They had locked eyes for a second and she had excused herself on the pretext of a shower.

Now as he rushed towards her, growing closer by the second, she felt none of that awkwardness. He came to an abrupt stop in front of her, snow spraying up from underneath his skis and the first genuine smile that she had seen on his face in a long time. She smiled back at him as he kicked off his own skis and lifted his goggles to look at her properly. The bright light of the sun reflected off the snow and into his eyes almost blinding him. He glanced down at his skis and felt the tiredness in his legs start to register. He threw himself down on the snow and gazed up at her, the smile still present:

"That was amazing, Waldorf, you're an adrenalin junky if I ever met one!"

She smiled down at him "Guilty, but you did it! You took the leap. Chuck, I didn't think you would..."

Chuck looked up from the snow that he had been carefully examining and his eyes were suddenly serious. He patted the snow beside him with a gloved hand and she sat down on the cold powder. He smiled gently at her, taking her gloved hand in his:

"I really wasn't going to. It just looked like too much, but once I had committed to it – well nothing seemed that scary, because of the amazing feeling you get from it. It felt like flying, Blair, you're right there's nothing like throwing yourself down a steep slope for clearing your head."

She squeezed his hand and with her, other pointed up to the peak that they had just descended. "Perhaps it was a little more than a steep slope?"

He turned his head and laughed in disbelief as he realised just how sheer the mountainside was. There was a silence as they both watched the approaching figures of Serena, Nate and the ski instructor who had waited for them at the point where the two runs converged. Chuck turned his face to Blair's, his eyes glittering mischievously

"Wanna go again Waldorf?"

###

Nate collapsed onto the sofa beside Chuck, taking the glass out of his hand and downing half its contents with gusto. Chuck looked at him with a smirk playing around the edges of his mouth:

"Can't take the pace Archibald?"

Nate exhaled heavily "Seriously Chuck, how do you and Blair keep going for so long?"

Chuck raised an eyebrow and replied, deadpan "Stamina, Archibald. Something that I've been told you don't possess much of..."

Nate made a weak attempt to shove his friend but he could not bring himself to move so his hand flopped back onto the sofa. "I'd rather not know too much about your and Blair's 'stamina' thanks."

Chuck laughed, getting up to replenish his glass at the drinks cabinet. He waved the whisky bottle at Nate who nodded lazily. Chuck turned his back on his friend to make the drinks and Nate sat up, becoming more alert. "So you and Waldorf fell asleep on the sofa last night. I take it you're making progress?"

Chuck kept his back turned as he added water from the siphon to Nate's glass. "She's not a project Nathaniel, she's not some duty that I have to do, there is no formula, we just go with it. So I don't look at it as having 'made progress' as you put it."

He turned away from the bottles and handed Nate his drink, sitting beside him again and poking the fire. Sparks flew up the chimney and the logs settled into the grate. Nate raised his eyebrows at Chucks back: "Chuck you threw yourself down a pretty intense sheet of ice for her today, is that what you call going with it? You're the guy who never does anything energetic."

Chuck leant back again and smiled "There's nothing like hurling yourself down a steep slope for clearing the head Archibald."

He glanced out the window at the dark winter evening, heavy snowflakes were starting to fall. The door to the chalet opened and Serena walked in shaking snow out of her blonde hair and smiling at the two boys on the sofa. She dropped a bag onto the sofa beside them and it clinked promisingly. Nate looked inside and smiled knowingly as he saw the bottles of spirits inside.

"One of those nights is it S?" he asked in a hopeful voice.

Chuck looked up at Serena expectantly. "Where's Blair?"

Serena frowned "She was back before you lot – I expect she's lying down or something. Go and get her out here and I'll get the cards."

Chuck got up from the sofa and padded over to Blair's door and knocked gently. He received no answer so he turned the handle and went in. He saw her through the glass doors. She was sitting on her balcony, heater on and cigarette in hand. She had the same book in her hand and a coat draped over her shoulders. It was dark blue, with gold buttons and he recognized it with a jolt of happiness. The Oxford coat, the one he had bought for her was back.

Gently, he slid the door open and stepped out into the cold air. She looked up, closing the book and smiling at him. "I should come and join you all. Sorry, I got slightly caught up."

Chuck smiled as she got up and stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray. She pulled the coat closer around her and looked up at him expectantly. She took a step towards the door, but her eyes met his and she stopped moving. His dark eyes were burning with a dark fire that she usually associated with anger, but there was a warm glow that stirred something within her. He reached out and lifted one of the empty sleeves of her coat, running his fingers over the cuff buttons.

"You're wearing it again," he murmured

She nodded slowly and there was a thud as her book fell to the ground from her loose grip on it. She took another step forward so that the tips of their feet were touching. The silence around them was audible, the snow made no noise as it fell and the hum of the cable car had stopped. The only light was the warm glow of the heater which shone over them giving Blair a warm halo of orange light. Tentatively, as if he had never done it before, Chuck reached out and stroked the line of her jaw with his thumb. She closed her eyes and exhaled, her breath leaving her in a cloud. His other hand dropped her sleeve and eased a hand inside her coat until it touched the cashmere on her waist. Her eyes opened again and the corners of her mouth turned up into a smile.

"One good turn deserves another Bass" she whispered

She put her arms around his waist in her first voluntary move to touch him and her eyes glittered with anticipation. Chucks mind had checked out, all he was aware of was her and that was all he needed. She tilted her head slightly, opening her mouth to say something more, but he bent and as their lips touched again, she too forgot everything else. It was the warmth of it more than anything else – the sheer feeling of safety and comfort that they felt in each other's embrace that did it. Their lips moved softly in unison and Chuck slid his hand up her shoulder and rested it on her neck. He drew small circles on the nape of her neck with his thumb and felt her shiver. They were speeding down the slope, focused only on the course ahead.

Their kisses were uncharacteristically innocent. Their hands did not stray from the safest of positions. They stood there for what felt like hours, not feeling the need to do anything more. Blair was the first to break contact – she pulled back, keeping her eyes closed a gentle smile on her face. Chuck gazed at her and her eyes opened lazily, revealing two sparkling eyes. There was another silence and Chuck found himself speechless. The words that he should say – the words that would best fit the moment – just three little words, would not come out then. He couldn't throw himself completely down the hill just yet, the fear of the final hurdle still existed.


	18. Chapter 18

_A week later, Christmas Day_

Wisps of smoke rose from the ashes of the dying fire. The grey of the ashes glowed intermittently with little orange embers that whispered softly as they settled into the grate. A bright, harshly white, light shone in through the sliding doors to the veranda. The room was grey, and the silence in it was heavy with warmth. There was a muffled groan as one of the figures turned over and settled closer to the person beside them. The room remained quiet as one of the figures eyes opened slowly. She sat up, looked around the room at the wreckage of the night before, and grimaced as memories began to flood back. Her grimace turned into a wicked smile as she looked down at the floor and saw the half-naked couple entwined with each other on the turkey rug beside the sofa. They were going to regret that so much when they surfaced.

She realised someone was missing and sat up on the sofa, putting her hands to her head as it started to throb unhelpfully. She looked down and saw that someone had left a glass of water and two dissolving painkillers by her sofa. She dropped both into the glass and swung her legs off the sofa. The water fizzed as she stood up and stumbled over to the kitchen door, her blanket wrapped tightly around her. The kitchen's lights were blindingly bright and she continued her stumbling path over to the fridge to retrieve orange juice from the fridge. She was stopped mid- movement by a voice;

"You know orange juice as a hangover cure is a complete myth, stick to the painkillers."

She shut the fridge door and turned on her heel to the direction that the voice had come from. Chuck stood at the open veranda door a smile playing about his mouth. Blair smiled back and lifted the glass to her lips, swallowing its contents quickly. There was a clink as the glass touched the granite work surface and she looked up at him again. He lifted a cigarette to his mouth and the glowing, smoking, red tip as it travelled to his lips transfixed her eyes. Her eyes stayed on his mouth as the smoke oozed out into the room. She felt her breath catching and she put both hands on the counter in front of her to steady herself. She dragged her eyes away from him and kept them fixed on the cold, grey surface.

"Thank you, Bass"

She drew in a deep breath, smelling the seductive tendrils of the tobacco smoke wafting towards her on the cool breeze from the open door. She dragged her eyes up again and saw him holding out a hand to her with a look on his face that did not seem to have any mockery in it at all.

"Come and watch the sun rising Blair. It's beautiful."

She found herself letting go of the cold stone and walking towards him without control. She took his hand and stepped out into the cold morning air. The picture in front of them was idyllic; a cold bright sun was rising over the peaks of the icy Alps in front of them casting a pure light over everything. Blair's breath caught again, but it was the beauty of it that stunned her and not the presence of the hand in hers. Chuck bent his head slightly and pressed a gentle kiss on the back of her bare neck, breathing in her scent as he did so. The gentle caress of his lips on her neck was more than she could bare, every nerve ending in her was tingling and she was losing control over her actions. Her head tilted back slightly as he continued and she whispered the words, surprising even herself:

"I love you"

Her heart stopped when she registered what she had said, but Chuck did not seem to notice as he continued his ministrations. She moved away from him suddenly and he looked up, eyes dark with a desire that neither had been allowed to satisfy all week. He nodded to himself and sat down in the only available armchair, holding open his arms to her.

"Don't worry; I'm not going to bite, or anything else for that matter."

She smiled hesitantly and blew caution to the wind by sitting comfortably in the warmth of his arms. They tightened around her and she settled back into the comfort of his body, trying to forget what she had blurted out and hoping that he hadn't heard. She looked down at his hands resting lightly on her blanket and smiled to herself. The week had been almost perfect, they had spent long exhausting days on the slopes and returned home each evening feeling exhausted but refreshed. They had kept their sleeping quarters separate – both sticking to the unvoiced rule that would stop them going any further. Even last night, when they had all had too much to drink, Chuck had tucked her up on the sofa and retreated to his own room. She had lain oblivious to the antics of Nate and Serena beside her.

The cold air blew gently at her face and she felt her hot, dehydrated skin tingle again. Chuck reached a hand up beside them and flicked the switch to the heater, it glowed red as the heat bathed the pair. He looked down at her and smiled again

"Not much like our last Christmas day is it Blair?"

She grimaced as she remembered just how sordid that had been: "We had opened the flood gates at the Christmas performance and didn't seem to be able to keep away. I left our Christmas meal saying Serena needed me and made my way as fast as I could to your suite."

Chuck pulled a face: "needless to say I had felt the need to take the edge off, just the idea of a family meal with Lily and Bart made my stomach turn and then the growing feelings for you made me so nervous. Anyway, at least it isn't us lying half naked on the floor of the drawing room this time."

Blair's acquiescence had less conviction than she would've liked. The painkillers were starting to take effect and her head was calming down. She pulled her eyes away from the rapidly rising sun and looked at his face. Chuck gaze was deceptively vacant, his eyes became more alert as he pretended to realise that her eyes were on him, the truth was he'd been studying her carefully. He bent his lips to hers, the kiss lasting no longer than a few seconds. He pulled a way too quickly, finding it hard to do anything with her when he had heard those words coming from her lips. Her brow creased as she frowned in perplexity, why wasn't she the one curtailing this? Chuck stroked her hair off her brow and smiled,

"Why don't we give Serena and Nate some space to deal with their little encounter from last night? The slopes will be so untouched today that we could do anything and dinner isn't happening until three..."

His voice was the same as ever, but Blair sensed a tension running through him that she could not understand. So she smiled and nodded with all the effort she could muster given her delicate state. Chuck's face pulled into its customary smirk as he registered her delicate state. He put an arm under her legs and stood, carrying her into the kitchen and placing her on the sofa.

"The first rule of hangovers Waldorf: fight fire with fire."

He turned to the cocktail shaker and poured several liquids into it, shaking it and eventually decanting his mixture into a glass. Blair grimaced as he put it down in front of her. The idea of more alcohol was abhorrent to her. Chuck laughed

"Waldorf, trust me, it works. I should know I've used it often enough. Down in one, you'll feel much better."

He put the glass in her hand and nodded encouragingly. Blair raised an eyebrow, looking highly sceptical, but lifting the glass to her lips all the same. Chuck nodded encouragingly; she glared once and tilted her slender neck back, allowing the liquid to slide into her mouth. She swallowed and coughed, clutching Chucks arm as she gasped. Her eyes sparkled with tears; she sat bolt upright and her mouth opened as she gasped for air. Chuck laughed:

"Give it a minute, and then you'll have the strength to kill me."

Blair's outburst subsided and she began to regain control over her breathing. As she did she opened her mouth to shout, but Chuck put a finger on her lips.

"Waldorf, people are still asleep – now think about how your head feels and then tell me if you want to shout."

Blair closed her mouth and frowned. She felt good; great in fact, all remnants of her hangover had gone. She smiled sweetly up at him, the colour returning to her cheeks and the anger ebbing away.

"So, about those skis?"

###

The chair lift swung round and the two passengers bent their legs, sitting expertly down and pulling the bar over them. Blair lifted her goggles and looked sideways at Chuck who was rearranging his poles. He had heard, she could tell that now. He had been so keen to get up and go, to race down every slope, to talk only about skiing in the lifts that he must have heard. Her gloved hands fiddled with the loops on her poles and she looked away, examining the snow covered pines beneath. Chuck stopped his fiddling and in turn glanced at Blair, her dark hair spilled out from under her hat and he could see small flecks of ice in it that sparkled in the sun. She was keeping her gaze fixed on the scenery.

The prolonged silence was broken by the chair behind them breaking into a rendition of 'the first noel' in French. Blair's mouth twitched, Chuck found himself doing the same and before they knew it, they were in stitches. Tears leaked out of Blair's eyes as the tension was relieved. As the lift reached the top of its climb they fell silent again. The bar lifted and they made ready to get off. Their skis hit the snow and Blair began to slide away from him again, but he caught her hand and she pulled up sharply. Chuck almost fell at the abrupt nature of her stop, but as he floundered he felt her pull him back. They stood parallel at the top of a slope that dropped down to the chalet, far below. Chuck looked up at her, keeping her hand in his and squeezing it.

"Keep looking down right? Don't shy away from any of the scary bits and I'll be ok won't i?"

Blair looked at him properly a smile flitting across her face; "that's right Bass, oh and try to keep up."

She pushed her poles into the snow and started to slide again, lifting her hands to her goggles and pulling them down over eyes, which were pricking with tears that weren't caused by the cold air blowing in her face. She tucked into the racing position as she turned parallel and gathered speed. Chuck moved off at almost the same pace, he followed her path down until they were about three quarters of the way down. He thought he could see a quicker route that avoided any of the twists that Blair seemed to be making. He veered away from her and took the new path; he flew past her gaining momentum as he neared the end. Then his skis hit a patch of invisible ice and he faltered. He was going too fast now and he could feel his control slipping away, the powder returned once more and his skis hit it at such a pace that his inexperience legs couldn't take it. Chuck Bass went flying, his right ski detached and he slid for a distance before he could stop himself. The snow was rough on his face and he felt it in his ankle when he finally stopped sliding.

Blair saw it coming before he did and groaned to herself – it was a rookie error to make. The fall was worse than she expected it to be and she felt a twinge of fear in her stomach. His detached ski slid in front of her and she pulled up quickly to pick it up. Then she skied over to Chuck who didn't seem to be too happy. He was just sitting up as she arrived and as he lifted his goggles; she saw the pain on his face. She bent towards him a look of worry and urgency on her face now.

"Did you bang your head Chuck? Where does it hurt?"

He shook his head and pointed to his ski boot, which was missing its ski. She opened the binding on the ski she had rescued and reattached it to his foot. She pulled her glove off and placed her warm hand on his cheek, which was wet with snow. He put a gloved hand over it and turned his mouth to her palm. His cold lips brushed the pulse in the artery under her thumb briefly and his dark eyes flashed. He was still breathing heavily, trying to get his breath back. She smiled gently;

"Can you get up?"

Chuck nodded and pulled his face into a tight smile. She held out a hand to him and he stood up with a groan. Blair wrapped an arm around his waist and guided his skis to the gentle slope down to the chalet. Chuck put his arm around her shoulders and gripped them tightly. He finally found speech as they gently slid towards the chalet's boot room.

"Thank you Blair."

She said nothing in response; she was feeling slightly sick from the fear that he had caused her to feel. They stopped outside the glass door to the boot room and she kicked off her skis. Then she bent to loosen the bindings on his skis and helped him take them off. He stood by and watched as she carried their skis in and as he waited for her to return he felt the ache in his leg increase. He sat down heavily on the steps and loosened his boots. She came out and sat beside him, an ice pack in her hand and an impassive look on her face.

"Put it on your ankle or you'll be swearing tomorrow morning."

Chuck did as ordered, feeling his insides curl up as he felt the cold on his skin. Blair had something else in her hand, a flask that steamed as she removed the lid. The vapours of the mulled wine drifted towards him and he felt his nerves begin to calm. She passed it to him, the look of worry in her eyes;

"For the shock, Dorota left it out for when we got in"

He let her pour him a cup and took it from her gratefully. She poured more into her own cup, but couldn't bring herself to drink. Chuck took three big gulps of the hot liquid and felt himself begin to calm down. Blair looked down at the deep red liquid and sighed to herself it felt like they had reached an impasse. He had heard, he'd made that clear, in fact his words at the top of the last slope had almost implied that he would do something about it, but he'd fallen. She put her cup down on the step beside him and stood up, turning back to the boot room. Chuck looked at her questioningly;

"Blair, where're you going?"

She looked at him, her expression becoming more impassive, "I'm going for another ski before dinner, it's only 1:30 now and I need to clear my head."

Chuck shook his head, pulling himself up by the banister and allowing the ice pack to fall to the floor. She stopped and looked at him

"Do you want me to help you inside first?"

He shook his head again and put his good foot on the first step

"No, I want you to stay here, because I've got something to say."

**Authors Note - Et voila! Hope you enjoyed it – reviews are welcome as ever...**


	19. Chapter 19

She stopped in her movement away from him and turned to look at him. Chuck felt his legs turn to jelly and he eased himself onto the top step of the veranda. Her face was full of comprehension;

"You heard."

It wasn't a question; it was a pure statement of fact. She didn't take her eyes of his face; the Chuck Bass that she knew had fled. It could have been the shock of the fall, or of the words, but he looked shaken. His jaw was tight, his eyes set but the line of his mouth was uncertain. He nodded slowly and she dropped her gaze. The silence weighed heavy between them and Blair began to feel the discomfort of standing still for so long in the cold. Chuck ran a hand through his damp hair, trying to pull himself together. He looked up at her and found his resolve leaking away so he fixed his gaze on the mountain peak just over her shoulder.

"Blair – I – I –"

It wasn't going to happen she knew that better than he did. He'd fallen, he'd had his pride wounded and he thought he could do what it took to keep her there, but he couldn't. He just wasn't there. She nodded briefly, a sad smile on her face and climbed the steps back up to the house. He caught her hand and she stopped. He put another hand on the banister and pulled himself up so that he stood opposite her. She looked away from him, not wanting him to see her tears, but he lifted her chin and looked her straight in the eye.

"Blair I will – I can say it, just not now."

She showed no sign of hearing his words, merely putting an arm around his waist and helping him to the front door. She left him there and he stood and watched as she went back to the boot room. She appeared a couple of minutes later, skis in her arms and her eyes covered by goggles. She almost fell down the stairs and clicked her feet into their bindings. Then he watched as she threw herself forward and down the nearest slope. Her speed gathered and she disappeared from sight.

Chuck turned back to the front door and turned the handle, leaning heavily on the doorframe for support. Nate got up to help him as he saw the effort it took for him to walk. Nate raised a questioning eyebrow but said nothing on the subject of his injury merely asking:

"Blair?"

Chuck sighed heavily, "She's gone back out; I think I've screwed up big time."

Nate helped him over to the sofa where Chuck collapsed heavily. He reached for one of the half full bottles on the table, but changed his mind half way and slumped back on the cushions. Nate just sat and waited for Chuck to speak and after several long minutes of glaring at the rekindled fire, he did.

"She said she loved me this morning and I didn't say it back, because it was whispered and I could get away with pretending I hadn't heard. Then we go out to give you two some space and I couldn't talk to her – I just clammed up. I thought I'd sorted out just now at the top of the last hill, but then I wiped out, I mean really wiped out and I just felt so crap that I couldn't. She knows I heard and I couldn't talk to her about it so she's gone."

What happened next took him completely by surprise; Nate took the icepack off his ankle and hit him around the back of the head with it.

"You love her you idiot so stop fucking with her and say it. I'm tired of your tooing and froing over this, it's thick."

He got up and threw the icepack into Chuck's lap in disgust. He walked back into the kitchen where smells of food were starting to waft through. Chuck picked up the icepack and put it back on his ankle, slumping back on the sofa.

###

Chuck lay on his bed staring at the ceiling, going over the farce of a conversation that they had had earlier. He knew how she was feeling now – she wished that she could turn back time and remove those three words from history. Secretly, though, he didn't want them to be obliterated. They made him feel warm inside, made him want to say it back, made him realise what a fool he'd been earlier. The shock had done it, he'd thought he could beat her down and when he had fallen, when she had proven the better of the two, it had been too much. He closed his eyes in frustration. Why did he need to keep being one up with her when she had chosen to lose to him in two instances now? He kept winning with her and she kept losing, why did he allow it?

He turned on his side, wincing as he moved his ice-laden ankle. His suitcase lay at the bottom of his wardrobe and he remembered her gift lying in the bottom. It was Christmas day for god's sake! Here he was lying on his bed without the woman he loved and nursing a twisted ankle. He turned over again and gazed out the window, it was getting dark outside and he just registered that dinner should have been served a couple of hours ago. He sat up, frowning to himself. There was a soft knock on the door and it opened to reveal Serena and Nate, both looking wary of him. Serena sat on the bed beside him and smiled falsely, that's when Chuck knew something was wrong.

"What's wrong?" he asked looking to Nate for reliable information.

"Don't do anything sudden or stupid, but Blair – well –"Nate faltered and Serena jumped in:

"Chuck, Blair's in hospital."

He felt a huge amount of pressure push down on him all of a sudden and small lights began to prickle and dance in front of his eyes. So this was what panic felt like. He clutched at the bed cover and looked back at Nate who nudged Serena and whispered something to her. She got up and left.

"She fell on that run that you two did on the first day. Apparently, she miscalculated the jump and landed on her leg, which broke awkwardly. They got her into hospital and operated immediately. They're bringing her up here, but she's heavily sedated." Nate said in a comforting tone.

Chuck couldn't speak. Serena came back in with a glass in her hand and Nate took it from her with a smile.

"Chuck, she's going to be fine – this isn't your fault. Now drink, it'll calm you down."

Serena left them to it and Chuck knocked back the liquid. He felt it burn its way through him, restoring some form of balance. He started trying to rationalise what he had heard. Nate took the glass from him again and Chuck found speech.

"This is what you get for caring, for loving? It hurts Archibald."

Nate shook his head in exasperation;

"Don't Chuck – I know how you're trying to spin this. You would not have been better off not loving her. Think about it, she's done so much for you and you can't even admit to her how you feel or accept the pain that you cannot avoid when she's hurt. Get over yourself, get up and try and make her feel good about herself when she arrives, because I'd imagine she's feeling worse than you can fathom right now."

Chuck looked up in surprise at the sincerity coming from his friend,

"I didn't know you cared..."

Nate nodded again

"I care about both of you, but right now I'm not feeling very well disposed towards you. She's my friend and I care that she's broken now."

Chuck nodded balefully

"Both emotionally and physically and both my fault."

Nate groaned in annoyance

"Yes, both your fault Chuck. Stop feeling sorry for yourself – you're the lucky party in this debacle."

Chuck nodded and swung his legs off the bed. He took hold of Nate's hand to help him up and limped to the door. The heard the sound of chopper blades in the distance and Chuck looked at Nate for confirmation, who nodded grimly. They walked through to the living room and saw Blair's door standing open. Dorota was inside, pulling back the covers and arranging the room. A fire burned in the fireplace and the smell of food permeated the air. The place was trying hard to be cheerful for a person who wouldn't be awake to appreciate it. The chopper blades were growing louder now and Chuck saw Dorota go to the balcony doors in Blair's room to look out as the lights hit the snow.

Chuck stood at the open front door as the snow was whipped up by the blades of the craft and felt his stomach turn as two French paramedics ran towards the house with a stretcher between them. They got to the steps and slowed as they climbed up them. She was covered by a tightly wrapped red blanket and she was strapped on to the stretcher. Her face was eerily peaceful, only the thin red line on her left cheek and the slight bruising around her temple showed that she was anything but asleep. They moved past him in a blur and were in and out before he could get the image of her face out of his mind. He only caught the passing words from one of the paramedics;

« Elle va se réveiller à 21 heures. Le médecin va arriver demain matin. Joyeux Noel monsieur. »

He closed the door on the cold and the noise of the retreating chopper. He turned back to Blair's room, where through the open door he could Serena bending over her with Dorota. Nate came to stand beside him, two glasses in his hands and a pitying smile on his face. He gave it to Chuck and patted him on the back,

"It's only a broken leg Bass, she's going to be fine. The doc said she was a good enough skier that too much damage was avoided. Now come and eat and we can be there when she comes round. Dorota's watching her."

Chuck nodded and felt some life return as he hobbled towards the kitchen.

###

She was falling, flying through the air with no control at all. She let go of her poles and put her hands up to shield her face. The ground rushed up towards her and she heard a sickening crack as her leg broke. The pain didn't register in her dazed state and she lay staring at the piercing blue above. The shouts were muffled, all she could hear or see were snatched memories superimposed on the sky above. A smirking Chuck, his school tie askew as he walked into their first lesson ever. An unconscious Chuck, a small trickle of blood coming from his nose. Those eyes telling her what he couldn't say. A Chuck whose face was contorted by pain. Pain, now that she thought of it, shouldn't she be in pain? As she reminded herself, the darting, shooting pain started to pierce her. The images faded and blackness fell once again.

Blair opened her eyes and reality flooded back. There was a faint tang of something metallic on her tongue and she felt incredibly thirsty. A glass was put to her lips and she drank greedily, lifting her head slightly. She didn't seem to be able to move and the pain in her leg was starting to increase. She blinked at her ceiling and tried to speak but her vocal chords didn't seem to want to work. Two strong arms encircled her torso, cradling her like a baby and someone else rearranged the pillows behind. She was moved into a sitting position and she turned her head to the source of the strong arms. Here eyes were hazey with the dying effects of the sedation and the pain was beginning to become more nagging, but she managed to whimper.

"Chuck?"

He nodded and stroked her cheek tentatively. She felt a prick on her arm as the syringe went in and then she felt the pain start to ebb as the morphene took hold. The room took on a warmer glow and she felt the tension in her limbs go. Chuck smiled as he saw her face relax;

"feels good doesn't it love?"

Blair nodded and focussed her gaze on the other two in the room a lazy smile crossing her face. She felt very sleepy and the fuzzy edges of the room began to get darker. Her eyes fell shut and she drifted back into oblivion.

The next time her eyes opened it was dark and the haze had gone, the only light was a soft orange glow coming from her veranda. There was a figure sitting there and she could see the smoke twisting and turning around his head. There was a light snow fall outside and the moon was hidden by a cloud. She leaned sideways and picked up the glass on her nightstand, draining the water. The piercing pain in her leg was now a less urgent and more of a persistent throbbing. She put the glass back down and lay back on her pillows. How had she ended up like this? It was so stupid of her to storm off and even more foolish of her to attempt that run without backup and in a state.

She put a hand up to her face and felt the ridge of the cut on her cheek. Then she put her hand under the cover and felt the plaster that stopped just below her knee. The surface or it was smooth and hard, she tried to wiggle her toes but nothing happened. The door opened and a short blast of cold air leaked in as he turned and closed it behind him. She straightened up and pressed the light switch above her head, the room was alluminated by the soft light by her bed. Chuck turned at the movement and looked apologetic;

"Did I wake you? Shall I get Dorota?"

Blair shook her head with a smile

"No I woke up a while ago and I'm ok, let her sleep."

Chuck sighed and pulled his dressing gown around him;

"Can I do anything for you? Get you anything?"

Blair sighed again

"Unless you can take my mind off the pain then no. Stop worrying!"

Chuck pulled a face

"Does it hurt a lot? Blair I'm sorry, I –"

Blair shook her head

"its just throbbing a bit, and don't apologise. Get some sleep, I'll be fine."

Chuck shook his head and sat down in the armchair by her bed. Blair sighed in defeat

"Well, don't make me feel bad for giving you a bad night – get in."

She lifted the edge of her covers and Chuck saw one bare leg and the unavoidable cast. He looked at her and saw she was serious. The dressing gown came off and he slid in next to her. The covers went back over them again and her injury was hidden. Blair smiled at him softly

"its the first time I've had you in my bed for a while Bass."

Chuck felt the unstoppable smirk creep across his face and she moved closer. He put an arm around her and moved so that she wasn't positioned awkwardly. Her hands lay idly in her lap and she gazed down at them

"How's your ankle?"

Chuck felt himself tense up with guilt.

"It's fine – nothing in comparison..."

Blair nodded and drew in a deep breath

"I'm sorry Chuck, about this morning – I'm sorry I said it, I'm sorry you fell and I'm sorry that I disappeared. I wish I could –"

Chuck stopped her speech with a kiss. He couldn't think of any other way of stopping her self effacement. He pulled away and looked at her.

"No Blair, I'm sorry. I'm a coward and you know I feel it, I really do, I just can't get it out."

Blair nodded again a spasm of pain crossed her face as her leg throbbed. Chuck let go of her chin and a look of concern crossed his face

"Can I give you some more painkillers?"

Blair shook her head, her voice was tight with pain

"No more morphene, distract me Chuck."

Chuck saw the look on her face and knew what it meant instantly, she needed to be held by him, like Nate had said she needed someone to put her back together. He shifted his arm from underneath her to around her waist until he was leaning over her. He brought his lips into contact with hers and Blair felt all the other pain disappear as their tongues touched. Chuck rang a hand down and under her slip, feeling her bare skin under his finger tips and luxuriating in it. He brought his hand up to her throat and stroked her cheek, she winced and he pulled away abruptly.

"Blair, I don't know if this is wise. Can you even?"

Blair shook her head in annoyance

"No we can't, but I forgot about the pain for a few minutes there."

Chuck gazed down at her and gently brushed his fingers over her bruise. He smiled and reached up to flick off the light. He bent to whisper in her ear, his hand slipping under the covers and skimming lightly up her bare leg;

"We can't but you can petal."

Blair's sharp intake of breath made him smile, and he bent his lips to hers once more.


	20. Chapter 20

**Eh Voila! Here we go everyone, hope you enjoy!**

"They're flying me home tomorrow. I've said Serena and Nate can stay if they want and you can too, I just can't stand it here."

Blair was sitting up in bed staring out at the blinding sunlight in a longing way that told Chuck how annoyed she was about being bedridden for so long. She glared at the beautiful scenery that had previously given her so much joy. He put his phone down on the arm of his chair and lent back. She fidgeted, since coming of the morphine, she had become restless. Having spent four days lying in a drug-induced daze that Chuck found hilariously funny because she spouted the most vapid nonsense, she was now alert and in a bad mood. Chuck stood up and walked to the door, Blair followed him with her eyes, which were full of envy.

"Where do you think you're going Bass?"

Chuck just smiled and left the room. Blair sighed heavily and examined the disarray of her covers with distaste. She had lost all patience with the Alps, after all what was the point if you weren't skiing? Chucks phone began to buzz on the chair that he had just vacated and she threw a cushion at it. Chuck opened the door, closely followed by Dorota who had a nervous expression on her face. Blair looked up as he pulled back the covers and smirked at her petulant expression.

"You're getting up Waldorf. Dorota call me when she needs lifting."

He picked the cushion up off the floor and placed it gently back on the bed. Then he picked up his phone off the floor where it lay and examined the screen. His face turned sour and he walked out putting the phone to his ear as he shut the door. Blair turned her furious gaze on Dorota who turned away to the wardrobe, pulling out clothes with great concentration.

The phone rang three times before it was answered; Chuck clenched the phone as he heard his father's voice:

"Charles, why didn't you answer the first time?"

Chuck glared at his reflection in the mirror on the wall outside Blair's room.

"I left my phone on the table. Is there a problem?"

"When were you going to tell me that you were in France for a girl?"

"I'm not father; I'm here for a holiday." Chuck's tone was acid.

"Don't be sarcastic – Lily seems to think that Serena told her that you were chasing Blair Waldorf. Chuck she's an Oxbridge failure."

Chuck clenched his teeth "And what father?"

"And you can't be distracted by chasing someone who will drag you down. I want you to come home on the first plane."

Chuck couldn't bring himself to answer; telling Bart that Blair was the secret to his success would make him sound weak. The voice on the end of the line was final

"Get on it and forget about her Charles."

The line went dead. Chuck threw his phone at the chimney in the middle of the room, it bounced off and the pieces went all over the place. The door to Blair's room opened and Dorota came out a nervous smile on her face. Chuck saw Blair sitting on the edge of the bed, which was now made, with her hair brushed. Her cast peeked out from beneath a deep blue, cashmere dress that was probably the most practical item of clothing that she owned. Chuck felt his anger fade slightly as he saw her helplessly stranded with a look of frustration on her face. He smiled at Dorota and walked into the room. Blair looked up at him and for a second he saw the helplessness that she felt flash across her face. He bent and swung her up into his arms. She examined his face with the acute insight that her own annoyance gave her as he carried her through the living room to the kitchen. He kept his eyes on where his feet were going, but the frown line that reappeared in his sleep had taken up residence on his brow. She tried to catch his eye, but he deposited her on the sofa on the veranda and withdrew again as Dorota tucked a blanket around her.

Blair felt the fresh air on her face and smiled contentedly up at Chuck who wasn't looking at her and seemed to be rather wrapped up in his own thoughts as he lent against the rail. She decided not to intrude for the moment and lent from the sofa to the chair where Chuck's coat lay. She pulled out his cigarette case and lighter, smiling to herself as she inhaled. She looked at him again and her smile faded, he was positively scowling at the door, seemingly oblivious to her presence. Blair cleared her throat and Chuck started as if he'd forgotten about her. His dark eyes softened as he looked down at her and he shook his head slightly, trying to shake off the cloud that had settled over him. Blair blew smoke into the air above her head and kept her eyes on the ceiling as she said nonchalantly:

"Penny for them Bass."

She patted the seat beside the sofa, but he remained standing and looked away from her.

"I've got to get the first flight back to London, Bart called."

Blair's head snapped to attention and she brought her gaze to his face and Chuck felt her tense up. He brought himself to look at her and she saw the little boy in him quailing. She nodded

"Well, I'll come back a day early."

Chuck shook his head in defeat.

"No, you can't. Just tell me that I'll be OK."

Blair saw him slipping away from her in front of her eyes. It was the same every time, he cut all ties and ran. She nodded,

"You'll be OK."

He shifted his weight from the rail and bent over her. His kiss told her exactly how he was feeling – raw and desperate. He pulled away and she put her hands on either side of his face, pressing her fingertips into his temples.

"Since you're running anyway, Bass I'll give you something else to run from."

He looked confused and she pressed her lips to his again,

"I love you, Chuck. Now go on: run."

###

The flight took off into the steadily setting sun and Chuck sat back in his seat closing his eyes to the luxurious interior of his father's private jet, which had of course been sent to make sure that he did get home. He saw Blair's look of disappointment and apprehension repeating itself over and over again. The noise of the shuttle filled his ears and he found himself drifting into a memory:

_He was sitting in the far too familiar office of his headmaster with the cold presence of his father next to him. The words that were coming from the man behind the desk had subsided into the usual hum in his mind. Only when his father spoke did he engage and listen. _

"_I'm deeply sorry for Charles' behaviour, I will speak to him about it myself, but I hope that a donation to the school library will help ease the embarrassment that he has caused."_

_Chuck looked up at his headmaster who was frowning slightly but who nodded and stood to shake his father's hand. Chuck turned his back on the two men and walked out into the corridor where the headmaster's secretary was sitting behind her desk looking guilty. He walked straight past her and stopped by the door. His father took his time in following him and when he emerged the ice-cold look of disdain had replaced his contrived smile. Chuck smirked at him, hoping for a look of understanding to be returned but Bart remained cold as they walked out to the car. _

_They stopped by the open door and Bart turned to his son_

"_I understand that you have to behave like this but don't make my reputation mud as well. Next time, be an idiot off the school grounds and not with a member of staff."_

_Chuck took a breath and returned:_

"_Thank you for bailing me out sir, it won't happen again."_

_Bart looked up from the phone in his hand:_

"_I don't really care if it does or not, just don't involve me – I'm tired of having to cover up your mistakes out of duty."_

_Chuck felt his insides twist as the word 'duty' left his father's lips. Bart remained by the car door, but returned his attention to his phone. Chuck took a deep breath and was about to speak but he was interrupted by his father_

"_Listen the way you behave is the best option for you – you're right not to get bogged down by emotions, they make you weak. Always put yourself first son, don't let silly things like love get in your way. I don't."_

_Chuck felt nauseous but swallowed his bile and bit out "but you loved mother" _

_Bart's attention was pulled away from his phone "Yes and look where that got me – a son who reminds me of her everyday and whose very existence took her away from me. No love Charles and no emotions, only yourself."_

_Chuck bit out a response his eyes fixed on his father's bent head "No sir, no love at all."_

_He turned away from the car and walked back across the quad. He heard the door slam and the car driving away. He felt the tendrils of ice pull slightly tighter around his heart and his eyes hardened as he saw a stray sixth form girl walking towards him._

The memory dimmed and refocused on a different place, a different time.

_He was lying in a strange bed. This dawned on him as the feel of the duvet and the smell that enveloped him registered. Blurred images flashed through his semi conscious mind. He was still not registering a name or a face to this bed though. He still had his clothes on – that was a first – but his shoes were gone. He cracked open his eyes and took in the ceiling above him. His consciousness was invaded by a knock on the door. It opened to reveal a housekeeper who came in and put a tray down on the desk. He turned his head, following her with his eyes. She smiled at him_

"_Miss Waldorf said you should stay here as long as you need to recover – she'll be out all day. There are towels and a spare change of clothes Mr Bass."_

_Chuck eased himself up on to his elbows, a look of comprehension spreading across his face;_

"_Ah so I'm at Blair's."_

_The stout woman nodded sympathetically. Chuck frowned slightly and asked_

"_Where is Blair's?"_

_He had arrived at school the next day and seen her sitting in her usual seat by the window staring out at the autumnal leaves. He sat down beside her and she turned her head and smiled at him. He had nodded briefly and opened his mouth to speak when the teacher walked in and started his lesson. Chuck pulled out a pen and turned to Nate to borrow a piece of paper. He wrote the date and then felt her shift as she crossed her legs beside him and changed his mind. He turned over the sheet and wrote _

'_Thank you for last night – I'd like to apologise if I said or did anything out of turn'._

_He lifted her textbook and slid the sheet across frowning to himself – he didn't apologise for anything. She bent and wrote in her own distinct handwriting:_

'_No problem – you weren't yourself – I get that it's hard'_

_He picked up his pen and frowned slightly as he read her response. In reply, he scrawled:_

'_What exactly did I say to make you think my life is hard?'_

_Blair hesitated before she replied_

'_Nothing that I will repeat to anyone – your dad seems to be hard on you.'_

_Chuck read the response and felt embarrassment flood his system. He picked up the paper and scrunched it up into a ball. The teacher looked up and frowned_

"_Is there a problem with your notes Mr Bass?"_

_Chuck shook his head _

"_No sir, they were just inaccurate."_

He had stood up and left the classroom without a word, incurring yet another pay out from his father and then two days later he had turned up at Blair's dressing room door. Chuck's grip on the arms of the chair tightened as that memory flooded back into his mind.

_He walked through to the backstage area and down the spiral steps to the dressing rooms, he passed the other actors, all back in uniform, all leaving for the cast party. The light was on under her door and he stopped outside it. He could feel the tendrils of addiction creeping up on him, he had forgone a dose to see the play and he was regretting the lack of a safety blanket now. He turned the handle and walked in. She was standing with her back to him, lifting the white shroud up as he came in. Her hands dropped quickly and she turned swiftly, her mouth open with a snide comment, but the words stopped on her lips when she saw him. He shut the door behind him and stood with his back against it. Her eyes were glittering with the feeling of success and the untied strings at the front of her costume left the collar hanging open._

_He felt himself being transfixed by her; she took a step forward, standing a foot away from him._

"_Chuck, where have you been? You just walked out."_

_Chuck shook his head, not registering her words and merely going with his primal instinct. He pulled her to him, bringing his lips to her mouth and feeling her tense in shock. Then, to his surprise he felt her relax, felt her lips part and her hand tangle in his hair. With her free hand, she locked the door. He pulled his lips away as he heard the click of the lock and she reached her hand up to the wall beside him, flicking off the light. The room was lit only by the glowing bulbs around her mirror. Chuck looked down at her face, which was shadowed and bent his head to hers again. He pushed her backwards until she hit the dressing table and swept the makeup to the floor with an arm. He lifted her onto the wooden surface, running his hands down her back and gripping the material of his costume in his fists. Her lips were fiery, her mouth moist, he bit down on her lip, feeling a small trickle of blood enter his mouth. He felt her tense against him as the pain registered, he pulled away and examined her face but her eyes had gone dim. This was a Blair that he had never seen before, her carefully maintained equilibrium had tipped off its knife-edge into a free fall with no inhibition and no worry._

_Her hands travelled to his belt, unbuckling and undoing. She tilted her head back against the mirror, baring her neck as he lifted her hips and pulled her underwear away. The feeling that rushed over him then, when he entered her, was like nothing that he had known. Every single synapse in his body began to fire. He looked down at her face and felt himself being draw further into her, she curled her fingers into his hair pulling his head down to her and he felt himself let go of any conscious thought. _

A beeping noise invaded his rather pleasant memory as the seatbelt sign went on and the flight began its descent into Heathrow. Chuck opened his eyes to a dimmed cabin, he looked out the window and saw the pin pricks of light that were London coming ever closer. He grimaced as the aftermath of that encounter dawned on him. She'd left with a quick smile and he had collapsed onto her chair examining himself in the mirror. He had tried to come to grips with the fact that he had just had the best sex of his life, but when the reason for this dawned on him, he stood up swiftly. He had pulled out his phone hand hit the speed dial that would be a sure fired get out from any emotions that were about to overwhelm him.

Chuck pinched the bridge of his nose and screwed his eyes shut. He'd done it again, he'd run away. The wheels hit the runway and the jet taxied to a halt. He looked out the window again and saw the car waiting for him, sighing he picked up his bag and walked to the exit. He descended the steps and opened the car door; his father's face met his. Chuck got in and Bart held an envelope out to him. Chuck took it and saw the deep blue crest on the back. Bart smiled at him in a triumphant way

"Happy New Year Charles."


End file.
